Oh yes. 2012

It's the end of the year.

When I'm not organizing my schedule around work, I turn nocturnal. It's always a pain when vacation ends, and I'm trying to head it off early this time. I didn't sleep yesterday in the hope that I'll be able to fall asleep early this evening. That is the state of the brain composing this post. Could be worse.

I've been watching The Pacific this week. War. Sixty-five years ago my ancestors were killing my neighbors' ancestors and vice-versa. There was a scene with a little baby that reminded me of the kindergartners I was Santa for and also the niece I used to babysit. They're so small.

Between episodes I worked on my Navy application. The December selection board had a fifty-one percent pickup rate for my area; the March board, my board, may be a little higher or lower. I still want to go.

***

January

I saw kabuki in Tokyo. It was gorgeous and I understood not one word. We looked at Tokyo from the top of a skyscraper before the show.

February

I spent a nightmare week at home with the flu. If that wasn't the worst week of my life to date, it's right up there. And then girls gave me chocolate.

March

I finished my first full year as a teacher and gave chocolate to girls.

April

Cherry blossom festival down by the river (if I'm lucky I'll be able to see the blossoms one last time this year before I fly home) and . . . True Blood? Something TV bingey. I got my tax and health insurance bills, and I was poor.

May

I went to China. I was swindled out of a moderate amount of money that seemed like a very large amount of money first because it was in Yuan and second because I was still poor from April. I danced with an old friend in a nightclub at two in the morning and walked in empty wide Nanjing streets at three. Later I jumped ticket taking machines with a giant bag full of shoes (not mine) to catch the last train of the night.

June

Nothing happened in June.

July

My parents came to visit for the second time, and I went to the onsen with my dad. My mom went with a teacher friend of mine. We ate soba and tempura. I stopped going to kendo.

August

I climbed Mt. Fuji. I watched handfuls of sunrises, including one at the nature preserve and orchard down the street where I can see clear to the mountains and everything is gold at five a.m.

September

Teaching was fierce that month. So many full schedules.

October

I think . . . there was drinking? Or something? With people? And I distinctly remember this as the last month that I had a clean house.

November

I scored well on the Navy officer test. Kyle came to visit, and we went to Kyoto. After he left I crashed from exhaustion, but it was worth it.

December

I turned twenty-four. There were Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. Santa. The one year anniversary of me giving up porn, and also of my older brother telling me I'm not welcome in his life. On Christmas day I went to the dentist and got good news.

***

This year was satisfying. This next year will be too maybe.

This next week's post will also be satisfying, at least for me. I think it goes back to what I was saying in the muzzle post. When you have something to say, speaking is oh-so-satisfying.

I'll be speaking about / responding to Clive's post, and possibly other posts in that series in the coming weeks. I think he's got an important point in mind, but he's going about it wrong. Like . . . trying to bite open a suitcase, or something.

***

To finish: "She was right in regarding all arguments as nonsense in comparison with that smile." (War and Peace)

The Fire In You

Mostly I remember how cold it was. There was no moon, just stars and snow everywhere. We drove into the mountains in his car, which was not as junky as mine, and he told me about his family and cancer and crashes. I told him about my study abroad and books and family and felt young.

We talked until the cocoa was cold. We talked until the cab was cold. We talked until my fingers were cold. Driver side, passenger side. My chest was burning from how close he was, how long we’d been there alone far away from everything. I stepped outside for a minute to see my breath in the air and stretch and look around, and then we drove back into Provo. We didn’t touch.

When You Were Young came on the radio and we sang along. For a couple of years I thought about him every time I heard that song. I tried to keep in touch, but he didn’t so much. I don’t think about him when I hear it anymore, except tonight.

***

I don’t want to say to myself, “You’ll never touch someone with that fire in you.”

If I believed in Mormonism then maybe I could say it, but I still wouldn’t want to. So tonight, writing this, I want to say I’m thankful I don’t believe in Mormonism. Life would be so much more difficult if I did. Maybe disbelief is a mercy from God.

***

My mom and dad have visited me here in Japan a few times. My dad is retired Air Force, so we can go on any of the several military bases around Kanagawa. One day we went on a Navy base so I could eat Taco Bell again (so bad, so good . . . ) and exactly as we walked through the gate and down the street I felt like I belonged there. It occurred to me that with DADT out of the picture, I actually could join the military. (If you’ve read my last few posts you understand why I had never considered it with DADT in force.)

Now I’ve been researching it for more than a year. I’ve been working with an officer recruiter for the past few months, with slow progress because he’s in Guam. Several times I’ve had attacks of “Are you sure you want to do this thing? Those contracts are awfully long.” and every time I’ve been able to meditate and decide that yes, I do. Briefly: After significant research, I still believe military service is meaningful and worthwhile. I want the military to be the community that replaces Mormonism. The regimented, frequently shaken up lifestyle doesn’t suit everyone, but it suits me, especially the Navy's variety. Through OutServe, I’ve talked with several gay servicemembers who say that the military’s homophobic reputation is 70 percent outdated.

The test, which was like a small SAT, was the first step. If I passed (I’d be surprised if I didn’t), there are about three months to do a small mountain of paperwork before the next hiring board.

***

This week, I’m going to turn twenty-four.

***

Ryan beat me to the video that’s made me laugh the most recently, but this is also good.