She's Coming, And I Worry

Veronica is coming!

She'll be here the weekend of Salt Lake Pride, by accident, how fun is that?
We are planning what to wear for the White Party, planning our whole 4 day weekend.
Plenty of poolside tanning. Plenty of wine, plenty of late night snuggling, plenty of pillow talk.

It's been almost two years since I've seen her.  I miss her and I love her terribly.

But I'm really nervous.  I don't want to sleep with her, but I know that I probably will, given the situation I'll be in.  Tempting, easy, comfortable, sexy as hell.  But I literally DO NOT want to sleep with her.

I told her this and she almost cancelled her trip.  I don't really know how to handle the feelings I have toward her.  Yes, I love her, yes, I'm very attracted to her.  My heart doesn't want the sexual pressure and her reaction to my telling her I didn't want to get to that level of physicality bothered me quite a lot.  I always knew that men wanted me just for my body.  I'm athletic, small, toned, and tan and I have beautiful crazy long brown hair.  I get it.  I never, however, imagined that a woman would want me for the same reason alone and her response made me feel like a cheap cut of meat.

And that breaks my heart a lot because I thought and hoped I was more.

Besos amigos.

catching up by e

Hey ya'll. So, what's new in my world... Well I've applied to gradate school at Colorado State, in Student Affairs, and Kansas State, in Academic Advising.  I love college and the college atmosphere and I want to be around it for the rest of my life.  I think that I'll probably stay in Utah and get a posistion at a Utah university because I like the idea of being a non-Mormon, non-straight person that college kids can come to for help.  I want to be that safe space for people; a sounding board that won't judge no matter their choices.

I'm taking on students for horseback riding lessons and that's gonna be fun.  My students range in age from four to 45.  I'm a little nervous because the horses I'm going to use, although quite broke, haven't been ridden as much as I'd like them to be.  So I'm going to be riding a lot this week.

My girl...well things aren't really happening there and I don't know why.  She wants to talk face to face and lately hasn't been texting as much as normal so I'm a bit worried.

That's everything new in my world! How are ya'll?

Cracks in the Chrysalis

I have found that the closer I get to joy, the crazier my life becomes. It doesn't matter if I'm experiencing joy, finding more people with joy in there lives, or simply becoming more comfortable with joy as a concept, the closer I get to it the faster my life seems to fly into chaos.

This has terrified me. It confirms to me and to others that I am not on the right path, cannot possibly be making the right choices, and that what I have experienced simply can not be real joy. That pleasure and excitement, the buoyant feeling that left me with more love in my heart and kindness for my fellow man could not have been real, must have been a lie because look, just look at what has followed!

I have let chaos rage and howl and send me fleeing back to my cave to wait it out in silence and confinement.

But I'm tired of silence and confinement. I am exhausted from holding myself in a space that was never meant for me, from quieting a song that refuses to be unsung. I am left empty chasing acceptance from a world that is incapable of accepting anything but a lie.

And I finally realize something. Chaos follows joy, not because it wasn't real, but because too much of what I have can only exist in misery. As those things run screaming from my joy, anything that was built upon them will come crashing down. So, do I let it?

Do I let joy be the destruction of my misery and do I let go of all it was attached to? Do I let the cracks appear and consume my cave until I am left exposed and vulnerable in my joy?

This time, am I brave enough?

a weekend get away by e

This coming weekend, my girly is house-sitting for a friend and as invited me to spend some of the nights there with her. I'm so excited that for a weekend, we get to have a place where we can openly show affection!  I'm so excited to hold her hand and cuddle on her during a movie, sneak up behind her and kiss her neck while she is cooking, holding her has we sleep.  To explain how excited I am...there are no words!  EEEKK!!!

What Did One Bisexual Say To The Other?

I realize I've sucked a big butt at keeping my posts regular.  However, in my defense I'm moving in less than two weeks and I have SO much to do.

BUT!  That is neither here nor there.

News, friends.  I went on a date... with a man.  I've known him for two years and we've been able to work together in some really awesome capacities.  Well he finally asked me out formally and we had and ARE HAVING such a fun time!!

He is so many many things and there is so much I could say about what kind of person he is (in a word: beautiful!) but what I really want to tell you is something pretty special.

He is bisexual.  Like me.  He views love like I do.  We love who we love.

At first i was scared.  I'd never had feelings for someone who was fully bisexual like I am.  And I was able to talk to him about it.  My fear, how he feels, perceptions on love, romance, relationships, etc.

And now... It's fucking beautiful.  

the most selfish and brave thing by e

This week's post is about this four minute long clip from the afternoon, American talk show, Ellen: Ellen Page on Coming Out

First off, E's favorite parts and commentary of the clip....
     1:28- Page talks about being trilled to be at a point in her life where she can verbalize it

Coming out is such a personal thing, and it takes being in the right place at the right time.  You have to have the right support system, be in the right type of housing, and have the right kind of job.  Could you imagine losing any one of those things, just for saying that you are not straight or cisgender?  It happens, way too much.

     1:48- DeGeneres talks about coming out being the most selfish thing anyone can do

Coming out puts a lot pressure on those around us to reevaluate the way they see us, the way they talk to us, and the way they talk about us.  It also makes someone reevaluate the ENTIRE way they view not straight and transgender individuals.  Coming out of the closet is selfish because for the most part, it almost entirely only benefits you, but those benefits SOO out weight the costs.  For those of us in the closet anyway.

     2:00- Page talking about her life getting better since coming out

Page talked about feeling less stress, being happier, and everything just generally getting better.  When I first came out, everything seemed so much better, but I wasn't in the right place so things fell through a little bit.

     2:23- DeGeneres talking about how coming out gets rid of the self-shame that comes from being closeted

A million times yes!!  When you are in the closet the shame comes from so many places.  Peer pressure to be out, peer pressure to be in.  Pressure from your internal self to pick which peer pressure to give into.  Self-shame from not being able to choose.  Self-shame from feeling like a horrible person for not being straight.  And coming out, first to yourself and then to others, makes being not straight an okay thing and all of a sudden you have NOTHING to feel shame over! And. It. Feels. AMAZING!!

     3:21- Page talking about getting to be yourself at work, wear what you want and talk about ex's

This is something I wish like hell that I could do, be myself at work. But I'm not that out yet.  I wish that I could be; I wish that I could talk about the people I want to date and why I shaved part of my head, and why I like going to Pride so much that I made getting time off for it a contingency of my returning work when I moved back to Utah.  Getting to be out at work, getting to bring your significant other to work functions and hold their hand...that is the dream I'm working on making a reality right now.

So much that I like happened in this tiny clip alone!! What are your thoughts?

She likes to shock people

Your words stare at me from the screen of my cell phone. Words like Concern. Blab and Rumors. Offensive and Sick. Rebuke with Anger. Risk, Damnation and The Darkest Pit of Hell.

But these are not the words that my eyes are drawn to. Out of all of these things, what sticks in my brain is the one word that should be the least harmful.

Shock.

According to you, I like to shock people.

Mom and Dad, no. I have never enjoyed shocking you.

I never came to you, with my heart in my hands wanting your disapproval. I never desired to look up from a moment of joy to see your faces stuck in that twisted, pained expression. I never relished letting my truth slip out only to be met with your disdain and I never yearned to have the core essence of my being to be so revolting to you.

For years you watched as imitated a pretzel, weaving myself in and around expectation after higher expectation, straining to one day be found worthy of some peace, some praise, some affection.

And now at a time when my twisted, broken pieces are falling away and I am finally pulling myself together, you get a glimpse of what I am trying to build and you are shocked.

Well then; I will meet your shock with my Awe as I crash recklessly into this light because I'll be damned if I continue to live up to your standard of misery.

 I would like to be happy.

Maybe that's what's so shocking.