Saturday, August 3, 2013

Don't judge me.

Matt here. This will be short.

Today I wished again that I were straight. I was watching a show, and two of the main characters were finally getting it on after thirty-some episodes, and I wanted to be him. I wanted to find her attractive, I wanted sex with a woman to be enticing. I wanted to be like the other 95 percent of humanity.

Some years ago, when I felt like this, it made me wonder if Evergreen was on to something. Heck, I think they were on to something, even if their conclusions about it were wildly wrong. I do crave straightness, I wish I were like straight men. It makes sense to want to be normal. Evergreen was wrong, I think, to suppose that straightness can be cultivated, but not in identifying the craving.

I remember being very young, perhaps seven years old, and wishing on a star. I wished to be Wolverine. There's nothing wrong with that. Wolverine is awesome. Being straight is awesome. But I'm not Wolverine, and I'm not straight.

There are worlds and worlds of alternative universes in my head. Sometimes they make me so sad and dissatisfied with the world as it is. It's hard to feel sometimes that being gay is also awesome.


  1. Jess and Nick forever. Is that who you're talking about?

    Dude, no one will argue that straight people don't live easier lives. If such a thing existed, I'd take a magic pill to make me straight in a HEARTBEAT, and I've even started getting it on with dudes and realizing how amazing we are at sex. Even so, if I could find women attractive, I would choose to, because it's just a much, much easier lifestyle. Don't feel bad.

  2. But I'm betting you don't really want to be Wolverine anymore I mean, it would be cool in theory, but what about the practical implications? And I'm betting at some point, you won't want to be straight anymore. I feel like once I got to a point that a lot of the good things in my life were there because I was gay, it seemed ridiculous to think I would want anything else. Plus, while straight people tend to live easier lives, I think they tend to live less interesting times too.

  3. Thanks for commenting, both of you. GMP, it was Alias, actually. I appreciate the commiseration; sometimes, especially recently, I feel like feeling like this taboo, like the official party line of The Gays is that gayness is the best thing ever, and people look at you funny when you're not drinking the koolaid. I'll try not to feel bad.

    Evan . . . I would love to be Wolverine. Always. Forever. :) Also Iron Man. I'm glad you're so content with your life; one day, I hope I can reach a similar point. Disagree about interesting / less interesting, though. I haven't noticed that trend.

  4. Sorry if I was involved in the koolaid-based judgements. Personally, I don't condone the drinking of over-sugared water. Only metaphorical over-sugared water.

    It was actually no more than a few hours after I commented that I saw this article. I definitely don't agree with the logic (or, actually, like the author at all - his stuff, this included, tends to be self-glorifying nonsense), but it definitely touches on what I was thinking.

    Iron Man beats Wolverine any day.