Monday, October 7, 2013

It's closing time.

Matt here.

Writing this feels like sitting behind the bar and serving the last few drinks of the night. Most of the guests have left, the streamers are falling down. Balloons are all across the floor. Half eaten cake.

The past few days have been challenging. I was at my parents house, eating breakfast, when Oaks came on. I ate my waffles with my eyes wide open and my nostrils flared and when he talked about recent immoral changes in the law of the land I just barely kept myself from shouting "Thank god for that!"

At the last second, I decided just to cheer. "Wooo!"

The rest of the day was strained, and I'm not interested in elaborating on that.


Last week, one of my old roommates from BYU came to visit.for a few days. We went to San Francisco and did touristy things and I luxuriated in comparing me now to me then. I was so uncomfortable with myself then. I was frightened and alone and so very, thoroughly unhappy. This roommate once asked me what my worst fear was, and I said my worst fear was that nothing would change.

I felt triumphant and elated when he asked me if I was happy and I said "Yes!"

That "Yes!" held my memory of choking myself with a belt and also the first time I kissed a man and also the best time I kissed a man. It held the glorious light of streetlamps on a blizzard out the window of my Wyview apartment, and also the panic attack that started in priesthood meeting and wouldn't let me go for half an hour and also the (other) roommate who found me a private room and sat with me until I could stop crying and breathe normally. That "Yes!" held "Yes on 8" booths in the Wilkinson Center and my counselling sessions in the basement. It held . . . so . . . much.

The sun went down and we watched San Francisco light up. I graduated from BYU in April 2009. So much has changed!


This evening, an older, gay, never-Mormon friend advised me to get properly laid, smoke a joint, write, meet the love of my life, and make mistakes while it's still okay, among other things. I will take this advice into consideration.


Next week, as part of my last post, I want to revisit a few of my favorite posts from my time here at BtS. I would love it if you would look through my archives (which I generally tagged with my name) and let me know if you had a favorite or two. If you don't comment/email/facebook them to me, I'll assume you loved them all equally and a lot.


  1. Well, you have been my favorite blogger on here for a while, so I guess I'll participate. Sad to see you go! But looking forward to what must be coming next.

    In general in your posts, your writing style, pacing, and length fit the medium very well. They're never too long or too short: the short ones are packed with meaning and expression that keep them refreshing rather than tedious or superfluous, and the longer ones are an engaging mix of provocative introspection or discussion and engaging personal experiences and reflections.

    Since they all share these qualities fairly equally, my top choices (except the top one) tend to rise to the top because I relate with them personally. They are:

    3rd, a tie: Just Imagine - and "Closet Muzzle" - (I think if I didn't relate to this one so closely at the moment that I would have been able to coolly cut it out to leave my choices an honest top three, but I can't not include it)

    2nd: "All the Promise" -

    1st: "Feeling Love Is Where It's At" -

    Special Category: "I Feel Human Dark With Sugar." ( This of course is one of my favorites for my own reasons, but I don't think it's fair to let it influence the regular ranking of top posts.

  2. Oops! Just noticed "The Brightness of Today" in an overlooked tab! ( After writing all that, though, I'm not about to rethink my ranking, so I'll just throw it out there.