Hi, my name is E, I grew up in Small Town, Utah, am ex-Mormon, love my horse and my cats, have one college degree, am working on a second, love taking photos, have dreams of managing a horse farm and being a published author, and I am attracted women AND men.
I love to write about anything and everything, but only when I know that someone is going to read it. I think I like it best that way for the same reason that I don’t like to talk to myself, I’m the only one that’s hearing my awesome! But I digress. I will most likely be using this as a sounding board for what I see and feel as an ex-Mormon who doesn’t fit into the conventional heterosexual dichotomy. I hate labels and so I don’t choose to call myself anything, like bi or pan or lez. I love having sex with men and women. I’ve only ever been in serious relationships with men, but have hopes of having a girlfriend someday.
My experiences, how I see things, it is only my view, my tiny little pixel in the grand photo of live and should NEVER been used as an example of what is “normal” for someone who experiences homosexual attraction.
I first knew I liked women when I started having dreams about a coworker. I was still very entrenched in Mormonism and thought that I was going to hell, so I stuffed how I felt deep down inside and left in there. There it festered and boiled and came to a head when I was five months away from my wedding. I was engaged to a man, a man I loved with everything I had, but I could not get the idea that I liked women out of my head. When I told him, he said that I should experiment, so that I knew for sure if I was gay or not. So I kissed a girl and liked it way more than I did kissing him. We broke up and now I’m trying to figure out what my life is, what it means and what it will be.
I am out to those who ask, and have told my parents and siblings that I like women. I am not out at work, as I work in a male-dominated field and anti-gay sentiment is common. (read: I’m not brave enough, yet, to being that voice)
I have a mild case of ADD, it doesn’t disrupt my life, but it does make talking with me interesting. It also makes my writing interesting as I tend to jump around. And though it may seem disconnected to some, it all makes sense to me.
I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. Coming out, especially while you live in Utah, with your more-liberal-than-some-but-still-vote-red Mormon family, can be hard.
And on a final, seemingly random note, does anyone reading this watch NBC? Lately they have been running a lot of commercials where the athletes talk about why the Olympics in Sochi should be watched. Those Olympics aren’t til February, and I can’t help but wonder if it has anything to do with the Russian anti-gay laws and attempted boycott of the Olympics...curious, no?
Until next week, my name is E and I like the color of the sky :)