What is a sense of self and when do you know that you have it?
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here, but I have depression. I am not depressed, I am not my disease. And that is what this is, a disease, an illness, the mental equivalent of the flu. Except there is no vaccine. I see a therapist for talk therapy and a psychiatrist for medications and both agree that one of the big roots of my depression is my lack of a solid sense of self and values. Okay, well how do I get that? Where do I go within myself, or without, that will help get a sense of self?
Two big aspects of self and values, for me any way, are sexulity and belief of what lies beyond. I don’t have solid thoughts on either of those. I like men and women, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was gay, that I’d never sleep with another man after my ex-fiance. But lo and behold, I am currently sleeping with Cowboy, crushing on Coffeeshop Guy and going on dates with Mormon Boy; ALL MEN! I don’t have any women in my line up right now and that is weird for me because I really want a girlfriend. On the other hand I love having sex with men.
My therapist thinks that the human body gets depression when something is wrong; wrong relationship, wrong sense of self, wrong program in school, wrong roommates, wrong town, wrong religion. He also thinks that everything in life is fluid and rarely stays the same. And that goes for sexuality as well. Combining those two thoughts, maybe my bisexuality was trying to save me from getting married, something that was wrong for me, by completely turning me off to guys for a while and once I was clear of marriage, I reverted back to being bi?
There are a lot of different kinds of sexuality and the two that I’m trying to decide between are pansexual and bisexual. I don’t quite understand the difference between the two. I’ve heard many definitions and they don’t make a lot of sense to me. From what I’ve heard, pan is being able to love and be attracted to and connect with all people regardless of physical sex and gender identity, where bi is able to love and be attracted to and connect with men and women. Yeah, I don’t see a difference, but oh well.
I think one thing that I need work on in order to build my value system is to say “no” when my guts tell me to. I talk big about following your instincts, that they know best and will help you more than any advice you could get from anyone, but I don’t do it myself.
Isn’t that another part of depression, not following your values? I think that is what I’m going to work on next, but how do I do that? Suggestions please :)