So I have a father. Sometimes I forget that I have a father. I mean he’s never around. He never was around. And the last thing he said to me was that he wanted to be a part of my life and that he loved me. This was right after he found out that I was suicidal and then he started to read the blog posts. He hasn’t said anything to me since. I let him know I would be in Oregon and that I could see him. Nothing. It’s been months.
So I call my mom today and guess what he’s doing; he is getting married. This man has been married three times already! He already has four children that he doesn’t give a fuck about so why is going and grabbing more people to love. He’ll just leave them!
Anyway that was a rant… sorry guys. He sucks.
But the point is he can ‘love’ people and then leave them the next day. He doesn’t get attached people. Even his children and wives.
That is the worst thing he has passed on to me. Like I was told once, I’m a duck. I let all the bad stuff just roll right off like me like water but I can’t hold on to the good stuff. I can’t hold on to love. I just let it go.
So I have a mother. I adore my mother. I wish she would realize that more. I don’t know what I would do without her. But she wasn’t always there. I’ve lived with her a handful of years and we weren’t close at all until I came to college.
But my mother had me when I was twenty. And her mother had her when she was twenty. And her mother had her when she twenty. You get the point. Can anyone guess my age? Yep I am twenty.
So I should be having little Dupreelings right? Wrong.
I don’t want children right now. I don’t know if I want children ever. Sometimes I see an adorable baby and I’m like I WANT!!! And then some baby screams and I’m like Uhhh no.
But I think the main reason I don’t want children is because I don’t want to be like my parents. I love my mother and not having a father doesn’t bother me. But I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world if I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that I would always stay with them. If my parents could so easily leave me then what is to say that I wouldn’t leave me child? And I was planned. My parents wanted and tried for me. Just to leave.
So this is how it is. I want children but I’m also scared of them. Scared that I would screw them up. Scared that I would leave them. Scared that I wouldn’t love them enough. Just scared.
"Promises mean everything
When you're little and the world's so bigI just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now"
With Arms Wide Open- Creed
"If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open..."