Thursday, August 30, 2012

Scared Shirtless.

I hate BYU. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t have a panic attack every time I set foot on campus.
But I do and I am.
So what am I going to do? Stay.
Because I need to. Last summer when I wanted to quit a teacher from high school sent me an email. She said that she had been following the blog and thought I should stay at BYU. Because I have a voice here. I can change things here.
But how can I do that when I barely can sum up the courage to wear my ‘gay’ tee shirt. And what about when I get my LGBT/Obama gear!? (I got it BTW and I think they are epic!)

But I have to be strong. Because I will change this place.
This place that breeds hate.
This place that breeds ignorance.
This place that takes my breath away in fear.
My mom is worried that I may be too stressed and should quit my job.
It’s not the job. I love my job.
It’s not the 18 credits. I’ll take 21 if I can get out of here faster.
It’s the constant fear that all the hate will someday be mine.
I’ve never been bullied before.
I was called fat once when I was 8. But so what? I’ve had my curves my entire life and I’m quite attached to them thank you very much.
Last summer some people were talking shit about me. That might have hurt. Okay it sucked.
But when I was friends with someone and then they found out I was gay and bailed… well that just about broke my heart. Rephrase: it did break my heart. It turned up my world and made me question everything. But I wouldn’t change it. I now know who I am. Every day I solidify the little pieces that make up Dupree. So someday when I meet someone and start to care about them, and by some miracle they care about me, I can show them who I am. And if they don’t like it they leave before we get too deep.
Well that was all rambles. But the point is that I might be scared but I can’t leave. I can’t turn tail and run away. I have to stand up for the minority and show them that it’s okay to be themselves.
It’s okay to have curves.
It’s okay to have tattoos.
It’s okay to swear like a sailor (when appropriate of course).
It’s okay to wear what you think is comfortable.
It’s okay to be attracted to whom you’re attracted to.
It’s okay to love who you want to love.
It’s okay to sing even though you may be terrible at it.
It’s okay to get a B, or a C, or even a D. And if you fail a class, just take it again!
It’s okay to drive a POS that you love and name and talk to.
It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to yell.
It’s okay to be hurt or disappointed.
It’s okay to laugh even if you think your face gets all contorted and you sound like something dying.
It’s okay to have a crush on the guy your best friend has a crush on. Okay maybe not but I need something to ease my guilty soul.
You get my point? You’re okay. I’m okay. We’ll all be okay.

Oh and PS- First week back to school was good, I guess I should mention that. 
Oh and PPS- I'm going to MISS YOU JO!

Dark Side- Kelly Clarkson.

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it


  1. I despise BYU and I am a gay mormon just like you. Anyways keep being strong you got a great point.

  2. I'm not sure staying at BYU is the right thing for you. You seem very obviously unhappy and angry. I'd recommend you find other ways to make a difference and focus on making yourself happy.

    Being inside is a great way to make a change, but it isn't something that you can do by yourself. There are others there at BYU that are making a BIG difference and are not suffering so much like you are. I was there as a gay mormon and can somewhat understand how you feel. I know people there right now who are non-gay mormons and they are great people, who are allies. Not everyone is against us.

    I wish for you a way out. You should get rid of the hate and try to be happy! Good luck!

  3. You are very brave, I am wishing you all the best this year at BYU. I am sure it is not an easy place for you to be, so I hope that you find peace in the midst of it.

  4. Can I volunteer as your BYU ally to kick the crap out of anyone who bullies you? At the very least, I volunteer to be a safe place. I teach Writing 150 classes. Last term, a freshmen kid decided to write his issues paper on gay marriage. I steeled myself for another tirade and warned him that religious quotes from Christian church leaders wouldn't rhetorically hold water for much of his audience. To my surprise, he wrote a pro-stance on legalizing gay marriage. It prompted lots of in class discussion. I've also had many conversations lately with conservative, orthodox BYU students who have questions about this issue because they can sense the way many of us treat our LGBT sisters and brothers is not right.

    I'm not encouraging you to be a martyr to a cause; as others have said, your sanity and happiness are more important than making a statement here. There are allies with less personal stuff at stake working on that too. But I just want to shout of that there are people here for you, in whatever way we can be. Let us know what we can do.

  5. I agree with Christa. Don't be a martyr, but if staying at BYU is right for you, then I wish you all the best and as much love as I can muster! You are such a strong, funny, capable person, and you can help change people's ideas and perspectives just by being who you are. The truth speaks for itself. Lots of love to you!