I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.
I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.
I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.
I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.
I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual. But I didn't. I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to." I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"
How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself? Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know! But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.
I could have written this when I was 21... and I still tried to push it away. Now I'm over 30. But I know others who didn't come out until they were much older than us. Remember: life is not wasted, it's just starting :)
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