Tuesday, October 11, 2011

She may never speak to me again.

Right now, I'm listening to a mixed CD called Ryu No Hikari (Dragon's Light.) It was the first CD I ever had, and memories of a much sweeter time. My best friend gave it to me when I was eleven years old. I'm now twenty-two. It's peppered with soundtracks and J-pop from various animes, from a time where anime was much less known and much less popular than it is now.

I just told my best friend of eleven years that I was once in love with her through an email. This is one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my life. She's beautiful, smart, creative beyond all reason, and has some of the funniest mannerisms. She has a hundred guys after her and she doesn't want any of them. I suspected that she was lesbian, but her own words say otherwise--and that's okay.

Good lord, I'm scared. I wish I could kiss her on the forehead and hold her against the panic attack that she may have just from reading that message. I wish I could take her from the mental issues she deals with, but I sincerely doubt that there will be anything left of a friendship after that message. Seth will be with me and I will have friends to support me even if she takes off from my life for good, but what a departure that will be.

We've done so much together. We've worked on several projects and written so many stories together. Ryu No Hikari, Trampoline Gate, Tales of the Chronicles, Leaves and Snowflakes, Unbroken...

The other things going on in my life are having just left a toxic job, living with one roommate in a six-roommate apartment, and attempting to remove toxic relationships from my life. It's not easy, and some days, all I want to do is cry. I'm putting myself through a period of growth that I need to have before the next phase of my life begins. I'm trying to be more honest with myself and others, and trying to give myself the attention I need before I go throwing myself at getting another degree.

It's also National Coming Out Day. I'm bisexual, an anthropological researcher, and hoping for acceptance.

Good luck to all of you who are doing the same, coming out to those you love,

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