Tuesday, April 15, 2014

i should have known by e

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I saw pictures of girl/girl couples and was jealous.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I met girl/girl couples and wished I was gay so I could have a girlfriend too.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when I started fantasizing about what a female coworker's fingers could do to me.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual when, as my wedding day approached, I started to wish, desperately, that I had kissed a girl so I could know what it was like before I signed my life over to a heterosexual relationship.

I should have known that I was gayer than the average heterosexual.  But I didn't.  I kept pushing these thought back and saying, "If only I was gay then I could do these things I want to."  I don't know why I didn't stop and go, "E, you are having these thoughts and feelings because you like women; stop wishing you did because you do!"

How many years did I waste, relationships I could have had, relationships I could have avoided, because I wasn't willing to be out to myself?  Why did it take me so long before I finally came out to myself? I certainly don't know!  But I do know that I'm now living as a bi/pan, not straight female and am happy.

1 comment:

  1. I could have written this when I was 21... and I still tried to push it away. Now I'm over 30. But I know others who didn't come out until they were much older than us. Remember: life is not wasted, it's just starting :)

    ReplyDelete