When I was a child I distinctly remember my worries being carefree. As a child my brain was constantly running, constantly imagining things. My worries were not of love, or money, or family, or school, or work. My smiles did not hide pain, or lies, or secrets. My life was simple. My worry held fear of the monster beneath my bed and the thought of somebody stealing my rusty red bike. I stressed over who I was going to play with that day and a bad time was from the shadow cast by the silence of boredom. Every day that passed my childhood was placed behind me with no regards to the innocence held by my childhood. With each passing day the understanding of real stress and worry became all to familiar. Every second that clicked my innocent brain was replaced by the understanding that my happiness was in my hands. That in the end, I was going to be the one to write my own story....and with that understanding the stress, unhappiness, and worry only piled up like the snow that gathers knee high with each dropping snowflake.
At the age of 25 I have seen that sad pile of stress, unhappiness, and worry melt away. I have seen it dissolve into hope, happiness, joy, and child like smiles. But just like each winter brings more snow there is always a time in my life that the snowflakes of stress, unhappiness, and worry begins to accumulate in my life....every time with different significance. The past couple of weeks my mind has focused on one particular apprehension. LOVE
I keep trying to pin point at what point in my life I started stressing about falling in love. And the more I think about it the more I realize it wasn't so much a time as an event. I remember the first time I truly fell in love. The moment I looked into their eyes and saw nothing but comfort and happiness. The feeling that I was flying....That I could accomplish anything. My smile held secrets and lies hidden deep in my past....but after falling in love....after having my heart stolen...my smile did not hold pain. Everybody feels love differently.... I felt it like I was up to my head in stress filled snow....and my love....their love.....was my July. Unfortunately, though I hope I am one day proven wrong, nothing good last forever. As much happiness that was brought on by falling in love just as much pain was emptied into my heart from watching them fall out of love with me. That was the point....the event that changed my whole out look on love and life. Before falling in love I never knew what pure happiness was. I had always been happy and content with in myself but having somebody to share everything with...having somebody that knew every dark secret hidden in my pathetic past, and still loved me was a miracle in my eyes. And every day I search for that miracle...I search for that happiness that somebody else out in the world holds in their hands. I'm patient....I'm not worried or forcing anything. I want my next love to come to me....to need me. I'm patient because I know without the snow.....I could never truly appreciate July.
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