Saturday, March 16, 2013


Matt here.

Today I pictured myself married to a guy. Very thorough daydream on the train. I hope someday I can do that without a voice in my head saying "One day you'll be sorry."

It occurs to me that perhaps that voice will always be there.


  1. Dang it. Right? I've been more worried about myself and my happiness lately. But, I often hear the same voice. It often says, don't go down that path because some day you may not want to be there.

    My friend hears it tell him not to come out to his family, because some day (we never know, right?) you may not want to have people know.

    But, being gay is not going to change ... my faith in God and Christ aren't going to change. I've accepted being gay. That isn't going to change. If it weren't for that dang voice. Ha Ha. Good Luck.

  2. I use to have that voice for about 32 years, then I decided to embrace love instead of guilt and doubt. I just accept me and my love and the voice doesn't come back.

  3. I do not hear that voice when I am with my guy. We love each other. I would like gay marriage to be legal. We do not need legal gay marriage to prove that we love each other.

  4. Mr. B! It's strangely comforting to know you know what I'm talking about. It makes me think of what Weed said about staying in the church vs. not--you lose something either way. It's a real loss. Maybe we can make the voice into a reminder to mourn?

    Good luck to you too.

    Anonymous, I think I'm happy for you. I'm not at a point where I'm comfortable making a similar decision. Maybe when love is sitting next to me holding my hand and not hypothetical.

    Dean, your confidence is inspirational. Most days I feel like I'm feeling my way on my hands and knees; I imagine striding forward is exhilarating.

  5. If it were me in that situation, I'd be very interesting in knowing why that thought keeps reoccurring: where it stems from/comes from and what its effect is. It's always helpful to be introspective and critical of our desires.

  6. At this point, my theory is that the thought pops up over and over again because I held Mormon heterosexual ideals right up next to my soul for many years, and those ideals are still my ideals.

    1. I've had similar experiences, and I've speculated that it's because of my Mormon upbringing, and its emphasis on eternal marriage, in which I think about it. It's hard to break from that way of thinking and focus on what's doing best for me and what will make me happy, even if it's not adhering to others' expectations.