Submission

Before I write anything, I want to say goodbye to MJ. MJ, you have always inspired me. Always. Your family has (almost) disowned you, you've struggled with yourself and who you are. Yet you persevered. MJ, you embody what this blog is about. And I'm sad to see you go.

So, I want to talk about two very important people in my life. The one that is easier to understand and is  the one I knew when I was younger. He is very arrogant. Flat out. His arrogance is coupled with his religious devotion. But underneath this, he tries to be understanding. In fact, he complains about people being racist. Or sexist. Or discriminatory. Yet, his only friends are Mormon. Of course, I'm friends with him. I mean, I can stand arrogance and (more importantly) I'm Mormon. And he thinks (subconsciously at least, though I doubt it) that only Mormons can be right in the spiritual world. He has some anger issues, but he is working VERY hard to get rid of those. Anger is a strong emotion and he was only fourteen/fifteen when I knew him. But the most notable quality was his logical exterior. Almost as if the emotions have been leeched out. I knew him very well so I knew about the anger issues and the other emotions that existed. I'm just not sure how many people did. He was a good person at heart. You just needed to know him to get it.

The second one is someone I met three years ago and I still know him today. He also tries to be understanding, but its easier to see it. Not because he is more understanding, but I think it is because he doesn't come off as detached. He has a tinge of arrogance that he likes to inflate when talking, but even then, he's doing it for fun. He feels confident, however, and he sometimes lets that mistake for arrogance. One ironic thing is people don't like him when they first meet him. But then, something clicks and by the third or fourth visit, people get him! It took me a while to get him, and I still don't understand him fully, but it's always adventurous. He also flaunts his emotions. He acknowledges them.

Now, let me put these two people next to each other. They don't seem the same, but they have a through line about them. They both have the hardest time submitting themselves to anything. I'm talking about submitting to authority, to God, to general religion, to emotions, to financial aid. They both hate it. Other than that, I think these two people, when put side by side, would be almost completely unrecognizable as the same person. I mean, they both can't be me, right?

Wrong. The first is 14/15(ish) the other is a more modern version of me. And I think what drove me to this change is my problem with submission. I'm autonomous (a word used by my bishop to describe a couple years ago). And he didn't mean that as a compliment. He meant I have this inability to accept aid from others. I borderline hate it. When I do accept aid, I feel shame. My half-asian drove me back from salt lake today, and he insisted I didn't give him gas money, but I (with a few choice words) made him accept it.

Anyways, I've redefined in an almost 180 degree fashion. Except this flaw about submission. I don't get along with organized religion, leaving your after life in another's hands. I don't like submitting myself to illogical emotions. Six years ago, I drained my emotions in much the same way emos cut themselves. However, now, when my heart wants one thing, my brain naturally wants to find flaws with the heart's direction. Oh, what a struggle. More on that next week.

Anyways, change is a good thing. I've embraced it. I've redefined myself. And I can't wait to get out of the Mormon world and begin exploring who I will become.