Today I’m going to let you guys into my writing brain. Usually throughout the week I keep notes of what I want to talk about and then something happens on Thursday night and I throw away all the thoughts. So while I would like to keep to the original script I had planned for this post, I also need to recognize some things that happened this evening.
I came up with this idea where all the great ideas are born: the shower. I was blasting my music per usual and the song Girl On Fire came on. Now for those of you who haven’t listened to Girl On Fire… scroll down. If you need a refresher it’s simple: she’s passionate yet alone. As I was belting out the chorus and pretending to be a rockstar I thought Yea! this is so me! Then a tiny dull roar yelled That WAS you. Was? WAS? As in, not anymore? I’m passionate. I’m hot.
But the voice was right. I’d lost my ME-ness. Now before I continue on you should realize something about me. I’ve realized that I’ve lost my ME-ness a lot. This is not an uncommon experience. I also realize that I’m better off alone a lot. However this time I didn’t really want to realize that I’m better off alone. I know that I am. And I should be grateful. Because I could be in a crappy relationship or married like some of the goons around here but I’m single (and have always been) and almost 21 and if we’re being completely honest, that’s not, nor was it ever, my choice. Now you’re probably wondering why I’ve tangented into being alone. It’s because originally this post was going to be about myself and being alone and being awesome and being happy about it. But if I was happy about it I wouldn’t continually try to change that status and then it would be lying so let’s just focus on the good: ME… I’ve lost my ME-ness and have realized that I must go out rediscover it.
This was my original post:
I just feel like I've lost myself. I used to be crazy and passionate and now my free time is spent bonding with my bed.
I miss the girl who laid, danced, jumped down the middle of the road.
The girl who skipped class to go nude sunbathing at the lake.
The girl who would go to the club by herself to dance with eyes closed and just completely lose herself.
The girl who drove home with the windows down in the rain.
The girl who rode the train into Portland just to forget about her small town life.
The girl who would walk on the wall above the mill pond.
The girl who drove fast and sang loud and for God sakes gave zero FUCKS!
What the hell happened to me? Yea I get that college can tire you out but these are my glory years and I'm spending them being sniveling and pathetic. I want to dream big. I want to desire to see the world and to just leave this place and to love and to explore. God I just want my curiosity back. I want my excitement back! Even as I write this post I feel an insatiable madness to be wildly passionate and crazy about something. I'm tired of mediocrity; I'm tired of routine.
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to get angry
I want to dance in the rain
I want to kiss in the rain
Maybe I just want this snow to end so that it can rain!
I want to sing in front of people, LOUDLY!!
I want walk down campus and not take my headphones off once.
I want listen to the doors on campus unlock at five in the morning.
I want to not constantly worry about my next assignment or what I'm going to do after graduation.
I still want most of those things… I just don’t want to be so selfish about it...
This evening was the grand opening of my place of employment. My favorite band was coming and two of my favorite guys were there as well. I got off my shift early and just in time for the third (and best) act to start. Now one of these boys (ya’ll know him as Lee) is kind of affectionate with me. Which is nice; he’s my GBF. But for the most part I make people believe that I hate to be touched. I shove them out of my bubbles, scoot away from them on the bus, generally make my hugs the most awkward things possible so I don’t have to hug them again. Why? Because I really Really REALLY love to be touched. No that wasn’t a typo. I love to be touched. I love to feel someone next to me. I love it when people are affectionate with me; when they play with my hair or scratch my back or lean on my shoulder. But I’m not really used to it because it just wasn’t something we did in my family. Now I’m trying to figure out how to let people close to me without having a nervous breakdown; constantly wondering if I’m actually allowed to be near them. And that’s what I love about Lee and R. I can just cuddle with them and it’s great. Yay for gay men and straight women.
In summation: what I’ve concluded this week is that yes I want to get back to a more passionate me but no I don’t want to do that by myself. And also I’m on a lot of drugs right now, like 6 doses of DayQuil, so if none of this made sense, pay no attention to it.
Much love and peace,
Girl On Fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away
Everybody stares, as she goes by
'Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gonna let it burn