Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Fuck Life. Fuck Life For Now

Curse words are a new thing for me. Very new. Just started using them two months ago or so. Don't know how I feel about all of them yet. I've always used Damn and Hell (the minor ones) but Shit, Bitch, Fuck are all new. And I started using them just so that I could reprogram my brain out of this Utah shit hole.

You know, ask me last Friday, am I happy? Yes. The answer would have been yes. I had some minor complaints (no friends here, no Aspen Grove, no money, a root canal) but nothing I couldn't handle. 

Seriously, though, I was happy. Life has bumps come along the way and slowly degrades from great to okay, but it always goes back again. It always has. Unfortunately, when it rains, it pours. And I think this downpour of feelings is quickly eroding my soul away.

I'll get my soul back. I'm not dramatic enough to think otherwise. But for now, I want to leave it somewhere on an island where the only video game is robot unicorn attack and all my feelings have turned into narwhals. Some sort of dominion/bananagrams/killer bunnies/settlers/laser chess/strip poker is always being played and all copies of phase 10 have been burned. Somewhere that my life is lacking in purpose, somewhere I can ignore life.

You know what this is about?
Roommates didn't do cleaning checks (promptly failing) and BLAME ME! Fuck them. 

After not seeing a dentist in two years, my lack of flossing has lead to nine cavities. All between my teeth. In addition, I have a pretty severe case of gingivitis and now must brush after every meal, use Listerine, and no more snack food. Apparently, fuck my metabolism (and my wallet).

Due to previous mentioned dentist, I'm out 800 bucks, and was previously about one hundred fifty short on tuition. Now, I'm almost 1000 short, and have two weeks to pay it. So, withdrew from all my classes, and still have to pay 25% of tuition for classes I'm not taking and now I have my first two W's. Fuck the transcript.

To drop said classes, BYU made me get up early to go see a counselor. I get in there, he says I don't need counseling to withdraw, and let me go after 10 seconds. So why did I have to trudge up to campus this morning??? Fuck BYU.

All my friends are gone. At least, I feel that way. They are all up at Aspen Grove, and I'm just down here in Provo, masturbating, having been denied a job. And there are still spots open! So, clearly I did something wrong and this is karma's way of saying fuck you.

Oh. and you know what? Half-Asian broke up with me. I called him, because we had our first major issue as a couple (you know, eight months in, we have defiantly had minor issues, but never anything major that needed too much discussing and solving). And, he wasn't willing to work on things. He just said done. A major issue comes up. He's done. FUCK HIM!

Lee's Life: -Single (and didn't see this coming, could have sworn I was dating someone rational.)
- Empty. Purposeful less.
- No Aspen Grove. Have a different job, but I will miss those mountains, that beauty, that heartsong that is up there.
- Friendless. There are people down here, people I know, but I need to make new close friends.
- Short on money... dropped all my classes, and still don't have money.
- And emotions. These emotions. I hate them. Happy, sad, cynical, uncaring, sad, angry, determined, sad. Repeat. And then repeat again. 

I may be new to curse words, but, correct me if I'm wrong, I think they are appropriate where I placed them. Basically after every event over the past couple days in my life.


  1. That was beautiful and heart wrenching. And I FUCKING hate the fact that you aren't up here with E and me!

  2. Sorry. Good luck with everything.

  3. 99% of the time the F word grates on my ears. But there is always that 1% where no other word in the english anguage can adequately describe the emotion needed.