Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (Parts of Life)

Life is looking up! And life also isn't looking down. And life sucks.

Apparently, experiencing the full range of human emotions in one week is difficult, for me.

Monday morning. Woke me up in my bed with half-asian swallowing his stubborn pride, and he wants back together. We made a mistake. And he wants back. I handled the situation well. We didn't cuddle, we didn't kiss. But we talked. We talked about how we need to work on certain things (both of us) and that I needed a day to get my thoughts in order. I was happy he came by (relieved even) and knew, especially in this so called "soul" of mine that I wanted to make this work, especially after having been broken up on a somewhat silly issue.

Tuesday afternoon. Half-asian calls me. We had a major argument that ended well. My voice was raised (over the phone) but it felt so GOOD. It felt like we were finally solving stuff. And I thought, I hoped, that this relationship will work.

Tuesday evening. He meets me at work as I'm cleaning up. We talk lightly. Banter is there. Willingness to work on things is there. Then he drops a bombshell. Doesn't matter what that is, but it was some serious shiz. And NOW I am PISSED.

And hurt. That pain then serves to fuel my anger. I was visibly shaking from my anger. I knew I couldn't make any rational decisions at that moment. So, I call final decisions off for the night and we will talk about it in the morning.

Wednesday morning (with only an hour and half of sleep under my belt). Still pissed. Still hurt. Still don't think he understands where I'm coming from. So, go through the entire conversation again, using my best friend's, Kim's, advice from the night before. And I really nailed ever point I could. I have never seen my half-asian so apologetic, so sad, so overwhelmed. But now, NOW I know that he understands the extent of my emotions. More importantly, he now understands why they are there.

Wednesday afternoon(ish). Fell asleep in his arms. Napped for four hours. And woke up in the most pleasant of moods. I'm more willing to work on things now, but also really suspicious of my good mood that clearly does not match my anger from a the night before (and the morning after). Sure enough, the anger begins to seep back in. But, something has changed. Anger is no longer at the forefront of my thoughts. It is there, but I can do other things, like think rationally. So, I decided that half-asian is now on probation (to a point). I will work on forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is the core of Mormon theology (according to Mormons). Forgiveness is  a way for us humans to move on past life events and work so that we don't become old spinsters with nothing to comfort us but the prospect of death. However, I suck at this whole forgiveness thing. I'm great at what I think is really the core of Mormon theology (guilt) but I suck at the forgiveness part.

To sum things up; (a tl;dr if you will) half-asian swallowed his pride and is willing to try to bridge the gap he (and partially me) caused. I have chosen to accept knowing full well that I would have to work so hard on forgiveness.

In other news. Gay pride is in a week and a half and I have a closely knit group of friends to go with (along with my half-asian) (thank God).

I bought some gay pride stuff for me to wear/use at the event. Including a rainbow set of dog tags and a flag.

Also, checked my bank account. And, for some very unknown reason, and I'm still mystified by this even after talking with my very wise mother, there is and extra 930$ in my bank account, courtesy of BYU. Why? No idea, making me very suspicious of it. So, I won't use it and I will go to BYU tomorrow to see if this money thing can be figured out. I'm obviously hoping that I get to keep the money, but this mistake seems so severe that I doubt I will.

I love you all, and thanks for listening to my ramblings!

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha ha, good call on not using the money until you figure out what the deal is. Oh BYU.