Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What am I? By E

I know Carrie isn’t gay, but sometimes I wonder if this is my life.
I like girls. A lot. I want a girlfriend someday.
I like boys. I like to have sex with them, and to look at them.

Am I shallow? Am I a bitch? Am I bi or gay or straight or hasbian or wanna-lez? I hate labels, being called things I am not, or things I think I am not.  But sometimes it’s nice to know what I am and right now, when it comes to my sexuality, I don’t know what I am.

My mom just told me that I'm lucky, I'm lucky because it seems like I'm bi, and that means I get the chance to love freely and choose freely. She said, "I have had girl friends that I've loved, but could never be with because I'm straight, but for you it's different."

What and who am I? Does it matter that I don’t know? Do I have to know right now?

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate to you on this. During college I had the hardest time coming to terms with being attracted to women. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was lesbian because what if for some reason I changed my mind later? Then people would be all like, "but you said you were gay." I also didn't want people to think that my being lesbian was just a phase or something weird like that because I felt like I really was attracted to women and that I always had been and likely always would be (paradox? I think so). Recently I've kind of wondered if I really am just plain lesbian or if maybe I am bi. I think that I can at times be physically attracted to men, but I don't think I would want any kind of actual relationship with a man. And here comes the tricky part about sexuality. Though I have never had sex with a man, I think it would be possible for me to enjoy it on some levels. But, I can't picture myself being in any sort of committed or romantic relationship with a man. Women on the other hand, I can connect to emotionally, romantically, intellectually and physically in such a way that the idea of a romantic relationship sounds the absolute most appealing.

    So, should our sexuality be based on which gender we might enjoy having sex with? Or should we base it on which gender or person we would rather establish a rounded relationship with (and also still enjoy having sex with)?

    Since I don't personally regard my sexuality as just plain physical sexual needs, I will continue using the label of lesbian. I am lesbian and will likely always be lesbian. One of the biggest reasons (other than my views on sexuality vs. sex, of course) for calling myself lesbian is that I am in a loving, committed relationship with the most beautiful female in existence. But, I don't think that everyone should feel the need to take on a label.

    I do, however, support anyone who would like to stick to one label right now as their present self, but allows room for fluidity and variety. We are always changing in so many ways and the person you are in ten years will not be the same person you are now. So, conforming strictly to one specific label and forcing yourself to stick to that for the rest of your life seems like a bad idea.

    And, while I agree with your mom that you are lucky in that you have the opportunity to love freely and your dating pool is super expansive, I think she is trapped into this label she has given herself. No one person is strictly straight or gay. That is one thing that makes the "coming out" process so difficult. But I think for people who are mostly straight it is easy to go with that label and miss out on opportunities for other fulfilling relationships.

    In here is also the question of the whole "bi" thing. Some straight people think it's selfish, most gay people think it's a cop-out for those who are actually gay, but not ready to socially come out as gay. Why can't we as humans simply allow for a range and an ebb-and-flow kind of sexuality? Why do we feel the need to label ourselves and stick to those labels so strictly?

    Then again…if you become involved in a committed relationship, then why not base your sexuality on whatever is involved in that particular relationship?

    Anyway, thoughts?

    I think you've opened up an excellent discussion topic here.