I was back in Small Town, Utah, for the weekend and just happened to get to spend Valentine's with a man I have been crushing on quite intensely. I stumbled, love drunk, through the door of my parent's house and excitedly told my momma that finally, after five months of chasing this fellow, I spent the night in bed with him. Her response was quite unexpected: "You really can go both ways, can't you?" And that got me thinking.
Yes, I think I can go both ways, though I definitely have preferences. When it comes to being in relationships I would rather be with a woman. Something about cuddling with a woman and baring my soul to her...the idea of a girlfriend, of a wife, makes me very happy. But right now, I am lusting after a man. Just one man. Well...maybe two, but the second is Tom Hiddleston and I don't have a shot in hell with a movie star!
What does it mean to be able to go both ways? Is there such a thing as a perfect split or is there always going to be a preference of one over the other? These are things I wonder as I lay in the dark, watching the firelight from my candle dance around the ceiling.
My research has led me to believe that sexuality is fluid, to a point. Especially for bi-pan-queer. I just don't know my extremes yet, what I fluctuate between. And that is a point of interest for me. I'll figure it out some day.