Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Autonomy Interferring WIth Me Getting Help, Again

Ever had such strong emotions about something that you can't keep them bottled up? But you can't tell anyone you know? Not that you don't want to tell anyone. You want to tell someone, but you can't bring yourself to? This is the case with me.

First, I realize this is finals week and stress is at a max. But, I know myself. I don't stress enough on my finals. I try to put pressure on myself but pretty much the only difference between me pre-finals week and finals week is zero video games and this insane desire to clean everything.

Anyways, what I want to tell people but I can't.

This blog is about breaking the silence. And I wish that I had some cool, clever username and could be completely anonymous. Instead, Dupree knows me and reads my stuff. Tif, MJ, Jo have met me in person and can put a face to me. Two friends (both names starting with E) read this blog and talk about my posts with me and each other. Jay, my ex-boyfriend of three months, reads this blog. Hell, if my mother had the mind to, she could read this blog (but doesn't normally, mainly because I think she has a hard time remembering).

Admitting my feelings, my thoughts, can be quite difficult. It is almost like I only reveal my feelings selectively rather than with complete honesty. Everything I say is completely true but not everything I want to say gets said. So, realize that admitting to anything can be difficult because I'm not completely anonymous.

So, I'm taking a bit of leap when I say this. I'm starting to have doubts about my half-asian. Not because I don't think he's wonderful. Not because of any mistakes he, or I, have made. But because I'm stressed, not able to sleep and just getting insecure about my life and future.

I'm graduating in December 2013. That is a year away. And when I graduate in 2013, I want to get away from this forsaken land. What was the one futurama quote about Utah? "Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable... in 2636." I want out of this place, and I can't drag Half-Asian around with me. He's stuck here with his mother.

And this moving thing is really grating on me. But...
- He has acknowledged this problem well before I did. And hence why he didn't want to get too close because I could be leaving soon.
- He brings this problem up often, noting that he wants me to make my own decision, uninfluenced by him.
- He assures me things don't work out no matter what the present might say, calling on his experiences with his ex boyfriend that he had for over a year. He assures me that just because things might not work out doesn't mean one of us did something wrong.

Basically, he is giving me plenty of opportunities to call quits because of my schooling, letting me know that it wouldn't be my fault. So, no pressure at all is being put on me by him. All the pressure is purely mine.

Unfortunately, I think the reason why this is so... difficult... is because I like him. Way too much. I love his facial expressions and how he thinks he's so good at lying and covering things up. I love the way we can make fun of each other, no harm done. I love how cuddle time often devolves into competitions of insults and humor and stories of our pasts. The way he uses metaphors to understand the world around him. How he sees the world as simplistic in places I see it complicated. His ways of trying to prove to me that he is my equal, almost like he doesn't believe that I do see him as more than an equal. Just, I love SOOO much about him.

But there is so much more to life. I want him. I want to leave Utah. Around Half-Asian, I would choose him any day. Not around Half-Asian, I've recently been flip-flopping. And I'm conflicted.

Maybe this is a phase. But I want advice from people. I want to tell people this so I can get outsiders opinions. But I can't bring myself to tell people my problems, probably due to my pride in remaining autonomous. So, let me hope this post will help me tell people so I can discuss this more. If my confliction is a phase, I want out of it. If it isn't... I REALLY want advice, opinions. And either way, Breaking the Silence is the best way for me to deal with my confliction.

So, here is the post.


  1. Oh my gosh Utah. I hate this place. But guess what we are doing while we are both trapped here? That's right, getting together and talking about our emotions :)
    And I'm sorry you can't be anonymous because I know your face. :P

  2. When I accepted my new job and moved 1,500 miles away from Utah I was both relieved and sad. I was in a blossoming, committed relationship with someone I trusted, was super attracted to, cared deeply about and wanted to spend all my free time with.

    But I knew for me it was time to leave Utah and that meant leaving him. He had just been promoted at work and we weren't at a place in the relationship to ask the other to move or stay. It was hard.

    We keep contact and when the other asks about the other's relationships and love life it is difficult to hear the answer sometimes. But we do maintain that friendship and I am grateful for it.

    My advise is this: live in the moment and love it. Cross the difficult bridges when you come to them, don't be so eager to make these decisions until you need to. Enjoy life, enjoy your half-asian, and let me know if you ever want advice and questions. You know where to find me, ha!

    Things will work out - one way or another.

  3. First of all, as far as Utah goes, you happen to live in the absolute worst place that there could possibly be--Utah County. Seriously, come to Ogden and you'll forget you're in Utah.
    Second of all, if you like being with him right now why does that have to change? I mean, if he wants out because maybe you're gone in a year and he doesn't want to deal with the pain of losing you later so why not make it sooner, then sure, that makes sense. But if you're both happy right now being together then just be happy being together and then work things out as you go. There is no need to make a decision right now--you're not to that point yet! Slow it down.

    Okay, I just read MJ's comment. Probably I just said a lot of what he said. So, listen to him! He's giving good advice. :)

    And keep talking about your emotions--it's SO GOOD FOR YOU!