In other happy news, guess who was suicidal again?
Yep me. And probably other countless students who had
to go through finals in this dreary place. And while I don’t want to hash out
all the details (because let’s face it, we’ve been there) I want to share something
that was different this time.
Usually when I get to these places my mind is crowded
with all the things I should do. How should I do it? Where should I do it? Do I
leave a note? Where would I leave the note? Who do I even write a note to? What
about the people I left behind? How will they feel about this? Should I clean
my room? What about packing up my stuff? Could I leave that to my mom? What
about my bills? My student loans, she shouldn’t have to deal with those….
Seriously it just goes on and on. But when I went to
my not-so-happy place this time I asked myself another question, one that (even
though I’ve contemplated suicide since I was eight and thought 10 Ibuprofen would kill me) I hadn’t asked myself yet. What
will death be like? Not so much dying but what happens after? It shocked me to
realize I had never asked that and also that I was so far gone that I would
even ask that. So I seriously thought about it and here is what I came up with.
Numero Un: The cynics are correct; nothing happens. It’s
just a dark abyss of absolutely nothing.
Numero Dos: I go to hell. I mean I killed myself
right? That’s a sin right? I’m going to hell. Not to mention the happy fact
that I’m gay and I’m generally not content unless I’m “sinning” in one form or
another. Really by most doctrine I’m straight up damned. Weeping, wailing, and gnashing
of teeth is the (after) life for me. Awesome.
Numero Twa: I go somewhere. Maybe not heaven, but just
a place that we go. One of the Mormon doctrines that I really liked was talking
about how the spirit world was actually earth and spirits are just roaming
here. I spent the most time contemplating this one and I’m (almost) ashamed to
say I was really drawn to it. I mean I can imagine my welcoming party
consisting of my grandma Sandra, Uncle Skip, my cousin Stephi… maybe even my
grandpa would show up even though I’ve never met him (my mom says we would have
gotten along well). I would run up and give my grams a hug and tell her how
much I missed her and how much mom and Mikey miss her as well. Skip would ask
me what I learned in my experiences at Earth (as is the way of Skip. He used to
ask me every day when I got home from school what I learned that day.) Grandpa
Sam would probably introduce himself and maybe make a comment on the years I
spent taking care of his wife (like I said, never met the man but I did look
after his wife (my great grandma Sarah (and yes this is a parenthesis within a parenthesis
(paran-ception))) so maybe he’d have something to say to me). I would also
bombard Stephi with questions. Why she did it? Does she reject it? Could any of
us have helped?
After I got settled I could imagine my afterlife…
I could imagine Stephi and me going to different museums.
She could teach me how to paint (she was the first person who introduced me to
art) and we could travel the world painting random landscapes. And have a never
ending art supply. The world would literally be our canvas. It could be
amazing.
I could imagine going to concerts with my grandmother.
She could introduce me to all the songs that were the background to my
childhood and I could introduce her to bands I’d think she’d like today (mainly
Deadtooth but she might have some appreciation for Mortigi Tempo… my grandma’s
a hard ass). We could have private chats with all the dead greats (as
unoriginal as it may be I kind of want to meet Kurt Cobain) and sneak into live
shows. Hang out backstage and listen in on their jam sessions. It would be like
being a groupie but without all the promiscuous sex.
I could imagine my Uncle Skip joining my grandmother and
me for our musical education. I could imagine fishing with my grandfather. I
don’t even know if he used to fish but I can imagine it would be something we
would enjoy doing together.
My life could be pretty damn swell if I was dead.
But that’s not how I should be looking at it. Yes I
can appreciate that death could be awesome. Could be. But who knows what will
actually happen. And right now I need to live my life. What about all the
things I would miss if I died? Like having kids and getting married and owning
a home. Those things sound so 1950’s America but I’m kind of drawn to them. Or
what if I hopped in a RV and traveled the states or hitchhiked to South America
or caught a boat to Europe to backpack some more. I could do so much and most
of the time I can tell myself that and not worry too much about being constantly
suicidal but this time…
I guess what scared me the most this last time was
that I wasn’t just running away from everything… I was trying to run toward
something.
You know what? That afterlife scenario you were drawn to - the one with spirits walking around on Earth - can happen here while you are alive! Maybe your subconscious is telling you that you want to live life and you want to go to museums, paint, and go to concerts. Why not try doing those things now, while you are ALIVE. If you don't like doing them alone, join an art co-op or ask a friend. Of course, I like doing things alone, so if you haven't given that a try, go for it. It's great to be able to see all that you want to see without having to worry about pleasing anyone else. :) Anyway, you can have your dreams in life, you just have to go for them. And like you said, you don't know for sure what happens after death and that is too big of a chance to take! Keep positive and do things you enjoy.
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