Busy

Today is busy. Or, it's supposed to be busy. I've worked a little bit on a paper draft that I'm supposed to finish, but I also watched an episode of Psych and an episode of Community, may it rest in peace. I'm not sure I have a lot to say today. I was trying to brainstorm ideas when I was falling asleep last night for my post this morning (afternoon...evening....), which was helpful, since I was having an unhappy night and it was a welcome distraction from suicidal ideation and the one sharp knife in the kitchen. So that was nice. That's part of why I write on this blog, I think--I'd go crazy if I didn't have some outlet in a place that I can control, with words I want to say. I'm tired of lying to people. This blog doesn't feel like a lie. Which is a nice change. This helps me.

I've also seen the new James Bond movie three times now. There's a hugely problematic middle section featuring a used and abused sex worker that pisses me off. Apart from that, though, I really enjoy the movie...which I don't think makes me a bad person. I had a film teacher at BYU talk about the old mutual activity featuring a milkshake made with a bug or a pizza with rat crap on it, usually used in relation to chastity or movies or both--doesn't this milkshake look good? It has a bug in it...but it's just one bug, right? Doesn't this look sooooo good? The Sunday school answer is, of course, even one little problem can spoil the whole batch! One swear word! One kiss too far! One little slip and, oops, you're a milkshake that no one wants to drink anymore! My film teacher's argument was that we should treat movies like we treat people--a mixture of good and bad. If a human makes a mistake, we should forgive them; maybe we should forgive our movies and other works of art too. I like that.

I'm interested in Javier Bardem's character in the film--for those who haven't seen it, he comes across very strongly as an evil!bisexual. Which is fun. I'm trying to think of bisexual characters in movies or books whose sexuality isn't rapacious or lewd but, well, normal, and there aren't many (....no really, I can't think of a single one). Of course, this is the villain, who rapes and pillages and murders women and men willy-nilly (much like James Bond, our supposed hero) and has an incestuous mother/son complex that makes the film really enjoyable to watch. I just admire Javier Bardem so much as an actor and I think he pulls off this bisexual character amazingly well, which is a nice change from so much of the current dialogue surrounding bisexuality.

Alright, I gotta get back to this ridiculous paper drafting. Such are the woes of grad school. But thanks for letting me use this as an outlet; it's helpful. Good luck in your own stressful weeks, folks. If you're feeling blue about the upcoming holiday season, might I suggest this blog? It induces tears more often than not, but it's a comfort during a kind of tricky time. And here's the poem of the week, as always.

The Thing Is

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Ellen Bass