Starting Now

I'm sitting here with my drink and my head is spinning. Not my drink, the drink she bought for me. The drink she got the moment mine was empty, popping out of her seat like a daisy and coming back twice a shy.

Her husband and my husband keep chatting. I think they're onto cars now. She looks at me with those Doe eyes framed by her blunt bangs and I feel myself melting.

We keep stumbling over our words. The band is loud and so we have to get closer to even hear each other. Why is the curve of her neck intoxicating?

I feel her hand on my knee and my skin starts to burn. I want to keep her hand there so I brush it with my fingers. Our hands intertwine as she starts stroking my knee with her other hand. But she looks down. Still so shy. A beautiful blush starting to creep across her cheeks.

I look across the table and see my husband looking at me. He smiles his genuine smile and I am amazed. He is happy. Not just turned on or lustful, but happy. He is happy that I am happy. And in this moment I think my heart will burst.

My gratitude and my love for my husband crashes against me. At the same moment longing for the shy beauty etches itself onto my skin with every touch of her fingertips, making the air tingle and my head whirl.

But it's getting late. Everyone has to go home. She types her number into my phone before linking arms with her husband and slipping through the door. I sit in my car, not sure if I'm more intoxicated by the whisky or her touch, and I wonder what just happened.

What Cums Next

I live with my boyfriend.  I hate it. Not to say I hate him exactly, but I feel like... a prisoner. 

When we began dating, he knew I was attracted to females and that I considered myself bisexual and he knew that I had been with Veronica and that she was my very best friend.  I felt like I was being progressive and doing the right thing by being upfront about my sexuality and about my desire to explore my attraction to women.  Mister Q, as I will call him, expressed the "oh that's so hot" and "I'm totally ok with it" and the "I'd love to experiment with that as well" cliches that many men exhume when discussing two females being together in a sexual or intimate way. 

As it turns out, men are big fat liars in that respect.  (sorry for the generalization)

While it's true that they MAY find the idea of that incredibly tantalizing, they do not, in fact, actually want it to ever EVER ever happen.  

My boyfriend and I split up for a period of about 2 months, during which time, I met a couple who was looking for a female companion of sorts for the wife. Thinking I'd never see Q again, I enjoyed my time with the couple enormously!  They were fun, yet intelligent and strange, yet normal.  I truly cherished our friendship more than the time I had with them sexually. They knew that Q was trying to win me back and that I was sick of his garbage and his controlling ways and the way he hid everything from me. 

When we got back together, I told him about my sexcapades with the couple and he was, for lack of better phrasing, Pissed.  Infuriated, he told me he would do terrible things to them if he were to ever see them or meet them or run in to them.  

I was afraid for my friends.  Terrified for them!  So as casually as I could, I broke things off with them, including all conversation and social networking.  Which hurt. Because I cared for them and they meant much to me. 

I stayed in contact with Veronica as normally as I thought safe.  He knew, after all, that she was my best friend and that I cared for her.  One day, after several weeks of being together again he asked me one question that Veronica had asked me just several days earlier.  The question was "If Q asked you how you felt about me, what would you tell him?"  I was startled that the question came so soon after I had talked about it with Veronica and I answered truthfully that I loved her.  Tears in my eyes.  What happened next I'm ashamed of.  I was faced with an awful conundrum: either cut if off with her, all communication or he tells her husband everything and in so doing, ruin her world.  

What could I do but  sadly, desperately agree.  I even begged.  If it meant her well being and world was preserved, then I would do it.  

I didn't speak with Veronica for 7 weeks.  At which point Q passed out drunk on the floor one night and I found something ...infuriating on his phone.  I know, I snooped but wait for it.  He had downloaded a ghost program onto my phone and had been listening to all of my phone calls and reading all of my text messages for almost two months.  

I should've broke it off right then but I didn't, I actually gave him a chance.  He supposedly took it off, but who knows.  We stayed together for too long.  I was angry for too long.  I never actually got over it because I was forced and I have held that against him to this day.  

I broke up with Q last night.   

Here's to new beginnings. 

when one is out and the other is in by e

This is another post about the beautiful blonde that I have a crush on.  We have decided that we are involved with each other, though not to what extent.  I am being monogamous to her, but that is my personal decision.  I don't know if we are just friends-with-benefits, or if we are working our way to being a couple or what, and right now I'm okay with that...a little.  But what I'm afraid of is when/if we decide we are a couple, because she is not out, at all.

I don't know how to deal with dating someone who isn't out.  I've only dated girls who are out, who are willing to hold my hand in public and kiss me in public.  I've never dated someone who isn't willing to do those things and I don't know how to deal with that.

Has anyone who reads here been through this? How did you deal with it?

First Crush

My oldest is eight years old and last year she had her first crush.

I had for gotten that it can happen that young.

There were others that she would talk about with her friend. Exclamations such as, "Oh he is so cute." and "Everybody LOVES so-and-so." abounded. Laughing and teasing ebbed and flowed as it does with children.

But with this one, this one was different. My little girl would blush. She would blush, or be excited, or get this dreamy little look on her face.

One day she was self aware enough to ask me this question.

"Mommy, whenever I am with Abby, or when I think about her, it feels like there are all of these butterflies flying around in my tummy and on my skin. What does that mean?"

My little girl had a crush. My little girl had a crush on a girl. And for all the teasing and proclamations of crushes in the past, she had no idea that what she was feeling was the real deal.

For a split second I had a surge of questions in my head. Could this be a phase? Will she be gay? Will she be bi/pan/queer like me? What would be easier? Is it already too late for my baby to have a simple happy life? How will she figure this out? When will she figure this out?

My little girl had barely started elementary school and already I was trying label her experiences and fit them into a neat little box. Feelings and experiences that weren't even mine.

I took a deep breath and looked into my daughter's stunning blue-green eyes. Then I tried to give her what I was still looking for. Freedom. Freedom to decide for herself what things meant and how it was to experience them. I hope for her sake, she'll have the freedom to follow those butterflies wherever they lead.

Sexcapades and What Impossible Feels Like

Yay, it's Wednesday!  That means I can tell you more about Veronica. If you need a refresher, please go to How I Fell.  

And so.

My life got complicated.  Veronica became the best part of every day.  In the sweltering summer humidity and heat, we escaped to the pool daily.  I brought my two baby girls and a couple bags of Little Ceasars breadsticks and she brought her two sweet kids and her rocking body in that tiny bikini.  She would sip on a blue Monster and I would 86 a couple RedBulls.  

I can't remember what we talked about, but there was never hesitation.  Comfort was our mode of operation and  I loved hanging out with her.  I felt like I could finally be myself even though I was still trapped in the LDS community, trying to squeeze my rectangular self into the tiny round hole that is religious Mormonism. 

For weeks I watched her rub oil all over her body, her beautiful tattoos, her breasts, ass...  She loved a good tan line and God, was she tan!  The white of her natural skin peeking out from her ever tinier bikinis was so bright, shiny with tanning oil and art-like, it made me want to reach out and touch it to find out if it she was crafted from oil paint or acrylics.   

As you may have surmised, Veronica is married. Two kids, nice home, husband has a good job, girl scouts, hockey, and all the rest.  My mouth was sealed shut, never to leak what I felt in my stomach, chest, the wetness that would come.  The thoughts in my head were repressed, pushed away.  I couldn't tell anyone.  And it was painful.  

When my husband and I decided to split and I drove to Salt Lake City, I called her.  I didn't want to tell anyone in the church, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want anyone to tell me that God wanted me to stay.  I just wanted to see Veronica and tell her goodbye.  When I called I had the kids in the car, and all of my things were ready, I was specifically waiting for her.  But she was out visiting family in a neighboring town and wouldn't be home for a few hours.  The sadness I felt driving away without getting to see her and hug her and hear her sweet voice with the adorable accent was deep.  More deep by far than the sadness for my failed marriage, which at this point we both knew was long over.  

A year passed, and as we stayed in touch, I wanted her to visit and the trip was planned!!  Finally, a year too late, I would get to see my best friend again!  

I remember when the first hints at mutual sexual attraction began. 

Somehow talk led to thoughts on sexual experimentation and um, lesbian desires.  She sent me a photo in a text and asked "how does this make you feel?"  I remember the photo perfectly and when I was writing this, I emailed her and asked her if she remembered the first photo she ever sent me.  She did.  It was a kitchen scene, two lovely, tattooed ladies from the waist down, naked save panties, legs entwined. 

The image excited all of me in all of the ways that I had been wanting for so many, many years.  She arrived.  Her visit wasn't long, just barely three days.  I took her to the Pie Hole, RedRock, up to see the mountains, we rode the tram up to the top of Hidden Peak at Snowbird and there where we could see the whole world, I remember the feel of holding her hand for the first time.  

I also remember the night that I drank enough liquid courage that I walked up to her standing in my living room, put my hand around her perfect waist and pulled her towards me.  I kissed her for a long time and it was like spring had sprung or like a thousand doves cooing, or a million butterflies taking off all at the same moment.  It was like nothing I had ever experienced and everything that I could have imagined.  

The next part is pretty rad and I know what you're probably wondering.  Yes, I fucked her.  But it's more than that.  Years have passed and my love for her grows.  When I need to imagine a happy place, she is there with me, warm breeze, her laugh, her smile, her touch.  Together.  She is everything I could ever want.  In a partner, in a friend, in a lover, in a confidant.  

So why might I have stated in the title, what impossible feels like?  Simply because for Veronica and I, our time is not yet.  I cannot be with her.  It's tragedy and pain and agony.  Yet it makes my love for her and our bond stronger.  We grow closer over the thousands of miles between us. 

I ask each of you one question: think of the person who completes you or the person you are searching for and tell me in one word, who are they?  

For me, it's Veronica and she is Zen. Peace, calm, rest, stillness, tranquility, my center.  I love her so and one day, one glorious, delicious, deserving day, we will be together. 

Girls by E

I like women.  A lot.  And I want a girlfriend.  This is something that I've said before, but it was really driven home for me while I was watching Grey's Anatomy today.  Yes, I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot; it's my story haha

Callie Torres and Arizona Robbins are a couple on this show and watching them interact...it makes me want a girlfriend.  I want to settle down with a woman.  I want to come home and cuddle with a female partner.

But right now my depression kind of rules my life and I need to focus on getting better.  I need to focus on learning to live a productive and happy life.  After I have that part down, I'm going to find myself a beautiful woman and I'm gonna ask her out for dinner.

Office Talk

"Sexual Harassment suits only happen in places where you have men and women working together."

Oh my God, I did not just hear that.

"See, in an office of all women I can go up and motor boat you and you wouldn't even care."

"She may even like it."

Laughter

"But she wouldn't care because she knows it doesn't mean anything."

More laughing and joking about office parties and "Do you remember the time."

"See, that would never fly with a bunch of men around because you never know who is perv-ing over it."

That's it, I can't' take it anymore.

"You do realize that that's a very hetero-normative point of view, right?"

Silence for a beat.

"Um... yeah."

More silence.

"They just cause trouble anyway."

"Who?"

"The gays."

You're fucking kidding me.

"Thank you. I really appreciate that assessment."

Crickets.

How I Fell

I was raised like most every other mormon girl, with the continual pressure, prodding, persuading and brainwashing that i would grow up to be a stay at home mother, with a loving husband and plenty of children. 

Becuase my parents were so restrictive and afraid of everything, as far I knew, the word gay meant happy until i was in college when i would learn that peers i had had in high school had "come out" and i saw the gay kiss between Rachel and Melissa on 'Friends'  (College got weird for me, after that).  I was always taught that men loved women and women loved men and there was nothing else. Nothing else was REAL.  Anything else I would ever hear of or see would be fictitious or between two people who were just playing around like two drunk girls on spring break in Miami, and that those people were misled, or acting out or bad!, but most especially, that those people were definitely not in love.

I kissed boys in my late teens, I dated men in college.  I felt attraction, I liked big, hard, muscle bodied men.  I loved/STILL love my male friends and number them among the most loyal I've ever had.  I have an ease with males that has always been difficult with females.

I've felt drawn to women since I was 12.  I was never allowed to go to friends' sleepover parties but dreamed of being able to make what Anne Shirley of 'Anne of Green Gables' calls, a "bosom friend'!  (no pun seriously intended)  When I was younger, females made me nervous.  I was quiet and self conscious around them, always wanting to stay cool and collected, but I simply came out, instead, the quiet, sweet girl who never spoke.  

Years later at the age of 25, I had renamed myself as a friendly, outgoing woman and involved myself in lots of activities with other women. 

 I was married and living in Philadelphia with my husband of 4 years and my first baby girl.  I had a best friend.  A woman, even!  She and I had met while our husbands went to graduate school in Michigan and when they both got hired on by the same company in Philly, we were thrilled.  She even had her baby girl a month before I had mine.  

It was at this time that I had openly claimed female celebrity crushes, Scarlett Johannsen  and the incomparable Julie Andrews. (YES, I'm serious. she is one classy lady. besides, her as Mary Poppins, mee-oww!) and I was beginning to admit to myself that I truly was attracted to women, although I kept it a deep, fantastical secret that revealed itself in my dreams often. 

My friend and I became inseparable.  Gym, shopping, hanging out, movies, baby stuff, walks, parks, we even went and met one of the cast of 'Twilight' at our local Hot Topic during the 'Twilight' craze.  I loved her. And then I realized, rather terrifyingly, that I didn't have just friend love for her, but I was attracted to her.  

I dreamed sexually about her. I looked away at the gym when she changed, I looked away when she was climbing in the pool in her bikini. I looked away when she washed her gorgeous long hair in the shower afterwards... So much looking away.  So many feelings.  So much wanting. 

She divorced her husband and moved back to her parents house in California. I had my second baby and moved to a little town outside of Houston, Texas.  

That's when I fell in love.  With her.  With the girl of my dreams, and there was no awkward, scared 19 year old, fumbling over words, but a brave, confident woman, ready to be who I really was. 

The first time I saw her, she was at the community swimming pool, sitting on a pool chair in her bikini, impossibly tan, impossibly cool, impossibly sexy!  I was mesmerized and drawn as if by an invisible electric tentacle. When I saw her I thought 'I want to be her friend' and Before I knew it, i was saying, "Hi, I'm Mina."

And she replied in her impossibly adorable accent, "Hey. I'm Veronica".

And the rest... Is for next time. 

Dealing with my Bubble

I have a bubble!

It has kept me "safe" for many years. But it is under attack! By what you might ask.

Well...

I've decided I should probably have some friends.

Yep. That's it. That's all it takes to hurt my bubble.

The internet has been kind to me. It has allowed me to get to know people and find more authentic ways to express myself. It's been great! But now those relationships are moving from online to IRL... and I am so not prepared.

Let me explain.

I relate to people in a very physical way. Sexual and non sexual forms of touch are my bread and butter. This has gotten me in trouble in two major ways. I have never been able to keep a male friend for very long. Eventually one of my bros will decided he wants to date me and when that goes badly the whole group feels obligated to shun the offending temptress. (By the way guys, it really sucks when you do that.)

On the other hand, since I know I'm more attracted to females I have long since shut down physical contact with other women so that they wouldn't get "the wrong idea" and to "keep myself safe". (Yes I hear the chorus of men crying at me that I'm working backwards. I hear you, let's move on.)

However, A LOT of women are touchy with their girlfriends. Which you might say, "But you're a touchy person, why do you care?" Well here is the problem: they even like to do the sneak attack move where they give you a hug you weren't expecting. Or they move into grab something you were struggling with and they inadvertently rub their arm against yours.... Just writing about it I'm distracted! (That sneak-attack-helping-me-with-something did happen once and I couldn't talk strait for an hour.)

So I'm realizing that is my bubble. As long as I can see you coming and completely control the situation, I can continue to block out most of the people I'm attracted to. It's how I have survived my heterosexual  world. But you can't do that! The world is full of situations we cannot control which means that one of these smart, funny, beautiful women I'm trying to make friends with will probably ring that sexual urge bell... And It Terrifies ME!

So it's time to take the advice I keep telling my guy friends, over half of the world is female. If I want to stop being a lonely shut in, I need to learn to deal with the fact that I'm going to be attracted to people, because just shutting them out is wrong. For everyone.

Yes. I am a 31 year old woman with the stunted sexual maturity of a 13 year old, desperate for friends but so terrified that I may be attracted to people that I shut people out or just forget to ... make ... words... good?

So this is my pathetic little plea. For those of you who have read to this point: If someone you love is gay, bi, pan, queer, trans...whatever... encourage them to go through the awkward discovering your sexuality thing the same time as everyone else. Because it HAS to be done. By everyone. There's no point in delaying the inevitable. Particularly when delaying just adds an element of creepy to an already difficult situation.

my coming out by e

My coming out can be summed up in one Youtube video, from my favorite show, found here (please watch it or nothing I write will make a hellva lotta sense)

My whole adult life I had been with men too.  I had liked having sex with them, even enjoyed some of them.  But it wasn't until I kissed a woman, had sex with a woman, fell for a woman, that I felt alive!  That is not to say that men I had been with weren't wonderful, caring, loving men.  They just weren't for me.  The women that I have been with, they have been glasses.

I love women and want a girlfriend.  Whenever I see pictures like this it makes me want to fall in love with a beautiful blue jean femme who loves to work outside, ride horses, read, drink wine, take long bathes, go hiking and camping, has long hair... I want to fall for a beautiful woman and be in love with her and her with me for a long long time.

I am a non-straight, bi-pan-queer female who wants a girlfriend.  Maybe I'm not ready for her right now, but I want to meet her someday, when we are both ready.

Marriage. Some Thoughts I Have.

First off, this is not a post about all the marriage-y things--laws and such. It's not about equality or gay rights or any of that. It's just about how I think marriage (as equated to commitment and love) is more than making a deal with someone. Don't think, however, that I do not have more to say on the marriage equality side of things--later.

I have a friend who says she might marry her boyfriend. She's young (aren't we all), which doesn't bother me when it comes to marriage. I think that people shouldn't be worried about age or anything else really if they want to spend their life with someone.

What does concern me, though, is the idea of getting married to a check-list. This guy fits every smart, funny, cute, ambitious mark that my friend could ever ask for. He seems absolutely perfect. Makes good conversation, works hard, wants kids and all that jazz that she wants, too. But when I asked her if she loved him she hesitated. She said yes, but before she said yes, she hesitated. She paused. She had to think about it.

Addie and I have been together now for about six years. If you asked me if I love Addie I would say "Fuck YES. I am so fucking in love with her that there are not words enough to tell you about it." After six years of loving each other, eating together, doting on our dog, Bootsy Wootsy, and all the things that happen in relationships, I am so fucking in love with Addie. She is the coolest, raddest person I know. I cannot imagine being with any other person in the whole entire world. So, when I see people who want to start a family and have children and start careers and include somebody in their journey of making money and changing diapers and sometimes going on vacation together, I want to know that they love each other.

Maybe it's because I came from a family with two parents who love and adore each other even now. Two people who were not afraid to show affection at home and in public. Two people who are more than happy to be alone together again. I expect marriage/committed relationships to involve two people and two people only--the two making the commitment. This means that even if a pair of people want to have some babies together, they are not getting together/married just for that purpose. They are marrying each other because they love each other beyond expression. And that if for some reason it didn't work out for them to have children, they would still be happy living and working and being together every day.

RyBread Wisdom: Don't watch television because it will rot your brain--even if there are really good tv writers out there who come up with brilliant stories based on and threading together a myriad of fairy tales. But, also, in avoiding such things, don't forget that "happy endings" (and beginnings and middles) exist--that "true love" can be a real thing and you don't have to sacrifice that moony, I-fucking-love-you-more-than-anything sort of love for financial security or for a good-business-deal sort of relationship. What I mean is, Once Upon a Time is a pretty okay TV show. But mostly, don't settle for a check-list "perfect match" if you can't say "I am so in LOVE I can't even contain myself or my joy" because love is the real purpose of life.

Please Bite

Hi there!  I'm Mz. W.

It's not technically my day to post, but I wanted to introduce myself a little before next Wednesday when you can expect to see my first post here on LGBT Voices.

I am in love with a woman, live with my boyfriend, was married to a man with whom I have two cute as hell daughters.

I have  a penchant for mischief and I've been kicked out of more than two bars in Salt Lake City alone. (always a good time). Every Saturday I play football with my friends and my favorite color is the shade of blue that is a swimming pool on the hottest day of summer.  It's not always fun and games though, I am currently working toward finishing my MBA in Operations Management.

I love women. I like men.

I can't wait to tell you stories, and I would be happy to answer questions.  Things I want to discuss: sexuality (of course), coming out and not coming out, comparisons of man and woman, forgiveness and forgiving, self acceptance and many other things.

Talk to you on Wednesday!

living out by e

I've been afraid of my roommate finding out that I'm not straight, so I try not to link my blog to my Facebook, and I try not to say anything "too gay" around her.  Well today, while watching Erica Hahn and Callie Torres make out on Grey's Anatomy, and cheering at the touchdown (side note: I love that the narrator mentions "Which team are you batting for" right as they kiss hahaha), my roommate asked me, "Are you bi?" For a second I thought that I had misunderstood her, so I pointed at myself and asked, "Me?"  She nodded.

For a split second, the world stopped and I thought of 100 different outcomes.  She could take it well.  She could freak out.  She could run and hide.  She could kick me out.  She could take it well THEN freak out.  But I am SICK of living in the stupid musty closet.

So I nodded.  That's all I did, I nodded.  She smiled and said, "That's cool.  I'm not freaked out or anything.  My bestfriend, not *****, but another one, she's bi.  I think a lot of people are bi these days, like it's the cool thing to do."  I laughed and said, "Yeah, I've got a theory about that." And told her how I think that VERY few people are a solid 0 or a solid 6, that almost everyone, under the right circumstances and with the right person, could go either way.

So now I'm out of the closet. Again.  The only person I was worried about finding out has found out and hopefully everything will work out okay.  So here's to hoping! *raises flagon, then chugs*

Playgroups

One day my husband comes home with the children in tow, and announces to me that he just had the weirdest conversation. We had recently moved back to a small suburban neighborhood and were eager to ease our children's readjustment by involving them with old friends. My husband, J, had just come from the church where most of our neighbors congregate on Sundays, so I was eager to know how things had gone.

Apparently the odd conversation happened with a woman I'll call C. Now, every neighborhood has a group of parents that seem to be at the center of all the planning in the area. They know about every birthday, every soccer game, they are in the PTA, and they usually have a hand in every play group. My neighborhood is no exception to this rule. C is a major player in our local group.

After service she approached my husband, commented on how the children had grown, made polite conversation and then asked if my children and I would be going to the weekly play group because, "we would so like to see the kids there."

My husband politely explained that I wouldn't be doing much of that sort of thing because I was now working full time, but that he would be the one primarily taking care of the kids. Before he could ask any more about the play group, what time it was or where, she quickly lamented how it was just "too bad" and "I guess we'll just have to see the kids some other time." She didn't stick around to say much after that.

I was dumbfounded. I knew it was an overwhelmingly conservative neighborhood, but I never thought we would be dis-invited from a playgroup because we had a stay at home dad instead of a stay at home mom! It didn't take long to remember old conversations about how uncomfortable these women felt if a man was in their home if their husbands weren't present, cautionary tales of old neighbors who had had affairs because they had served on the same neighborhood board, and flippant observations that they won't speak to long to male neighbors at neighborhood parties because who wants the hassle of dealing with a jealous husband. I realized that it all came down to SEX. Men and women can't be together because , well ... Sex.

This is concerning on a number of levels. Under that umbrella of thinking, I can't be alone with the men because God forbid one of them want me. But I can't be alone with the women because God forbid I become sexually attracted to one of them!

So where does that leave me? Where dose that leave any of us who identifies as something other than a sig-gender heterosexual. Hell, where does that leave our families? This woman (as well as, I assume, the other parents since no one has broached the topic since) was more than willing to through my husband and my children under the bus for her "propriety." What would happen if they knew I wasn't the "safe" option to be alone with.

I'm the one that is more likely to find any of them attractive. I'm the one more likely to get turned on by a room full of women. I'm even the one that is most likely to sleep with one of them, given the chance. Would my children loose ALL of their friends if these people knew? Would our young family loose the few contacts that are still willing to say hi to us in the grocery store or on a walk? To be honest the list is short enough as it is.

I vented my worries and concerns to my husband. After my energy was spent I stood in my little green kitchen wondering if I was ever going to live a fully authentic life. J came up and wrapped his arms around me. After a moment he said with a smirk, "So, hypothetically, which one of our neighbors would you do if you had the chance?"

I swatted him playfully and said, "Well none of them now!"