Monday, March 10, 2014

Dealing with my Bubble

I have a bubble!

It has kept me "safe" for many years. But it is under attack! By what you might ask.


I've decided I should probably have some friends.

Yep. That's it. That's all it takes to hurt my bubble.

The internet has been kind to me. It has allowed me to get to know people and find more authentic ways to express myself. It's been great! But now those relationships are moving from online to IRL... and I am so not prepared.

Let me explain.

I relate to people in a very physical way. Sexual and non sexual forms of touch are my bread and butter. This has gotten me in trouble in two major ways. I have never been able to keep a male friend for very long. Eventually one of my bros will decided he wants to date me and when that goes badly the whole group feels obligated to shun the offending temptress. (By the way guys, it really sucks when you do that.)

On the other hand, since I know I'm more attracted to females I have long since shut down physical contact with other women so that they wouldn't get "the wrong idea" and to "keep myself safe". (Yes I hear the chorus of men crying at me that I'm working backwards. I hear you, let's move on.)

However, A LOT of women are touchy with their girlfriends. Which you might say, "But you're a touchy person, why do you care?" Well here is the problem: they even like to do the sneak attack move where they give you a hug you weren't expecting. Or they move into grab something you were struggling with and they inadvertently rub their arm against yours.... Just writing about it I'm distracted! (That sneak-attack-helping-me-with-something did happen once and I couldn't talk strait for an hour.)

So I'm realizing that is my bubble. As long as I can see you coming and completely control the situation, I can continue to block out most of the people I'm attracted to. It's how I have survived my heterosexual  world. But you can't do that! The world is full of situations we cannot control which means that one of these smart, funny, beautiful women I'm trying to make friends with will probably ring that sexual urge bell... And It Terrifies ME!

So it's time to take the advice I keep telling my guy friends, over half of the world is female. If I want to stop being a lonely shut in, I need to learn to deal with the fact that I'm going to be attracted to people, because just shutting them out is wrong. For everyone.

Yes. I am a 31 year old woman with the stunted sexual maturity of a 13 year old, desperate for friends but so terrified that I may be attracted to people that I shut people out or just forget to ... make ... words... good?

So this is my pathetic little plea. For those of you who have read to this point: If someone you love is gay, bi, pan, queer, trans...whatever... encourage them to go through the awkward discovering your sexuality thing the same time as everyone else. Because it HAS to be done. By everyone. There's no point in delaying the inevitable. Particularly when delaying just adds an element of creepy to an already difficult situation.

1 comment:

  1. just wrote this whole thing, but you know how internet stuff is... anyway, i'm writing about my similar problem with men and women tomorrow and i think that's REALLY interesting! it's so easy to be friendly with men (and they always want it..) but with women, i'm awkward and nervous. which sucks. because i really like women. and therein, i assume, is the problem.