Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Coming Out - Complications at Fifteen (Part Two)

This is Amber--continuing from Part One: Stereotypes.

I want to relate my story of constantly coming out by going into further detail of when I first came out to myself and a few others.
 There are four vivid experiences of me coming out to adults where it went horribly wrong. To put it simply, my parents' process in coming to understand and accept my existence as a bisexual has been a very long one. It has required ample patience from me and from them. I love them dearly, but I wouldn't wish this situation that I'm in with them on anyone. As I'm writing this, I'm trying to move out of the house as soon as I can, because the situation of my different social and religious beliefs are just too much for them to handle.

I had an LDS Seminary teacher start ranting at me about how bad pagans and witches were when I tried telling her that I was a pagan and a bisexual--and when she exploded at me for telling me how horrible those Satanists and those devil worshipers and those magic-workers were going to be the end of society. "Not to mention the gays!" she added on, before I could say anything about my bisexuality or pagan beliefs. She dropped me off at school just as she said that phrase, and I trudged into my high school, not able to think of much else besides the fact that she would have people like me put away in mental institutions.

My bishop was so bad that it's a story for a different day.

In essence, my initial coming out to respected adults was nothing easy. As several close LDS people that I loved were adverse or outright hostile to my feelings, I clammed up for a long time.

Fortunately for me, I had been so inured and brow-beaten about being an autistic individual that shutting up about being bisexual was easy and it was something I could easily hide...so I thought.

Coming out to my friends was a slightly different story, almost the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I had so many people wanting me to completely embrace it immediately that it hurt. More than one of my non-LDS high school friends openly asked if I was lesbian in my junior year, and there were a few instances where a few girls groped me in trying to get me turned on. It became very clear to everyone that I had no intention of dating girls, I did not appreciate unwanted sexual advances.

When I'd remember having a few girls grope me, and I'd shudder, linking female touch to unwanted touch, going back to when I was raped at a young age. No, no, no, I shuddered. I didn't want to be handled without my consent. The last time girls tried to convince me in my sexuality was when I had been thinking about being raped, and my rage and terror were enough to drive me to express myself quite openly to one of my best friends. I was in tears, crying as I asked why they would do something like that to me, and she went to make sure that all was made right. After that, they apologized profusely, never did it again, and did everything they could to rectify what had been done. However, I had gotten to the point that I couldn't even approach this girl as a friend without thinking I'd harm her in ways that others had harmed me on a romantic and sexual basis. 

While I had a crush on this adorable, talented girl (who will be nicknamed Ellie) with cute scarves, gorgeously braided black hair, dark eyes and perfectly dark skin and big glasses, I was also crushing on a particular boy at the same time. It's pretty typical for me to crush on many people at the same time, usually a guy and a girl--and crushing twice as heavily on the guy as I am on the girl. I thought that maybe I was rebounding onto her because I couldn't have the guy that I had been crushing on for five years. While I silenced my feelings for her and moved onto longing after a different boy that did not return my affections, I always wondered what it would be like to date girls.

I hid it away behind my mask, and that was just one time of many where I have ventured my sexuality forth into the world. It could be why I fear a second adolescence, thinking that I might just become sex-crazed for the same gender and not return to liking guys. It may be why I'm always hesitant to accept myself as being fully lesbian and a fully straight person at the same time.

All I know is that I want to accept myself for who I am. Coming out to others validates that acceptance for ourselves because frankly, no man is an island. People are social creatures and to an extent, we do psychologically rely on each other. We all need to know that we love each other despite our differences.

I just hope that we can have a day where we can come out without fear of being brow-beaten, smacked down, disowned, etc. Love is what we all need.


1 comment:

  1. Your story makes me sad. It also makes me feel like I had it really easy...because I did have it easy.

    Amber, you are such and amazing, beautiful woman!
    thanks for sharing your story.