Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Other Side

For me, there are two sides of being bi, and at the same time, there is no difference whatsoever between those sides. Perhaps I'm being slightly Taoist about it, but it's not the attraction that I want to talk about. I want to talk about what happens when you don't necessarily choose someone because their gender is priority in your choice for a temporary/life partner. Today, I want to talk a little about that choice.

I love my boyfriend dearly. I've looked at him and sometimes wondered, "Would I still like you if you were a girl?" My imagination being what it is, I peeled away the masculine features and could see a very feminine form of him. I was still physically attracted to the different perspective that my eyes took--and I still was attracted to him when I brought my mental perspective to him being a man.

I've struggled a lot with my bisexuality while being in this relationship because I'm still not totally comfortable with it--despite the years of experience that I've had with it and all of the talking and emotional processing that I've done with so many people. My boyfriend's parents were uncomfortable with the idea of me being bisexual at first, but they warmed up to me. What's funny is that I have started to feel bad that I didn't have gender as a filter for who I loved--feeling bad for the chance that he ever would feel like I'd love anyone else more than him.

Then sensibility came back to my mind. He can suck it up or leave if he can't trust you.
He has never pressured me into changing for him, except that he's noted that he does not want a polyamorous relationship.While I agreed, looking forward to the awesomeness of monogamous love, a little part of me whispered, Oh...okay. Part of me asked myself if that's what I really wanted, and that part of me still wonders.

He's a great friend and a great lover, and the only way  I could ask for someone that could connect closer to me would be myself. I've never met someone that can handle so many aspects of me that have turned off or pushed away other lovers. It is a big priority to me that someone can handle my autistic outbursts, quirks, and sensory overloads. It's less of a priority that my partner be able to be a man or a woman whenever I please.

Personally, I can say that in choosing someone that I want to be with (short or long-term) I choose the person that I love the most in the most ways. It's not like people are dropping out of the sky for me, but out of all of the people I know and have known, I tell myself which qualities I like and to what intensity I like those qualities. My boyfriend is amazing on so many of those levels.

While not every bisexual will want to be in a polyamorous relationship, I have to ask those bi people: How do you choose between the two?  Do you crave female and male relationships, or do you just stick with one partner? One gender? One (insert hair color here?)

Stay awesome! You were born this awesome!



  1. I love having your perspective because I think the bi thing is often shunned by both the gays and the straights.

    Anytime I start thinking that I could marry a man (for the sake of my religious beliefs and my desire for a family) I always get this feeling that I will miss women. And that I might end up cheating on some emotional/spiritual level if not physically. I don't like that idea.

  2. I'm stuck with that perspective whether I'm with a man or with a woman, and it's torturous. I strongly felt that way while having a girlfriend, and I feel less strongly about it while with my boyfriend (who is the best one I've ever had after a string of horrific boyfriends.)

    The question still remains, though, and I don't think there is an answer to it besides choose and live with it--because physical attraction isn't everything in a relationship.

  3. I do think people are unfairly wary of bisexual people. As if feeling unsatisfied in some way/potential for cheating on some level is restricted to only them, when it clearly isn't. My mom asked me if I'd really be okay with dating a bi girl (as my girlfriend is bi) because of this misconception (well, probably mostly because she doesn't want me dating/interested in any woman...).