So I have a few friends who are also gay and we tend to hang out all the time which is amazing. Well we always end up talking about the gayest stuff and most of that is about relationships and coming out etc. It is so odd to me because we are in totally different boats and yet we all get along so well.
They talk about how this is the time in their lives that they are coming out to family and friends or planning to. It is such a hard time in the life of every gay and I am glad that I am past that point. My whole family knows and treats me just the same; they love me no matter what. All my close friends know and if someone asks me I am more than willing to answer honestly; I am pretty out and it is such a sense of calm.
They are still going through this part of their lives and it is hard and not pleasant most of the time. Then they move on to the topic of relationships and how wonderful they make their lives etc. I love hearing these stories because it makes me optimistic for the future but at the same time I can feel myself being consumed with envy.
Envy because I have never been in a relationship ever, and I mean ever. (As in never held hands with anyone or had a first kiss kind of ever.) They have had so many experiences and have grown so much from them and I can help but get jealous and wish that I could speak from their point of view. I tend to end up silent and sulky which isn't fair to myself and more importantly not fair to my friends.
I envy them for their love life and I always wonder, Do they envy my life at all? I am out, I have a family that loves me for it, I am in a sense freed. Do they envy me, because I certainly envy them. You never know...