Friday, January 27, 2012

Thoughts Aren't Tendencies

So I had written something mildly morbid and a bit personal and didn’t really want to share it. But I couldn’t think of anything light and happy and I didn’t really want to say something light and happy anyway so here’s my slightly depressing blurb for the week.


So I go to therapy. People do. And I’ve been learning a lot from my Shrink but what it has really done is to help me recognize when I learn things on my own.

Here’s some more back ground info. I was suicidal. Still kind of am but not in the “I’m about to go by a gun” way but more of the “I think about my death way to often to be normal” way. And it really freaked me out because two people in my family have committed suicide and I don’t want to.

But sometimes I just feel like I have no control over my emotions. So I go to therapy.

But I had a mini thought the other day and all the crap above this is just prelude to that… I don’t want to die. I was driving down a slick mountain and I WAS TERRIFIED. And it occurred to me if I was really afraid of my death then I obviously can’t want it enough to commit suicide.

So there’s my thought for the week. If you ever consider killing yourself, go out, get scared out of your mind, and maybe you’ll realize that fear is a just a warning for our survival; if we are truly scared, we truly want to survive.

Glee- Get It Right


  1. Interesting thoughts.
    Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there who never thinks about taking their own life at some point during their existence. Particularly during my teenage years, I thought about it a lot. I don't necessarily think about it too much now, except for what smart ways there are to do it for a time when I decide it's time to die--like when I'm 87 and just done with this cycle, ready for the next reincarnation. (I'm going to be a butterfly in my next life, I think. )
    I don't think it's a bad thing to contemplate suicide or death. Particularly not death. I think some people are too afraid of death. I also think that in some ways we look down too much on the idea of suicide. This sounds wrong, but we see people who have killed themselves and think, "oh they didn't get the help they needed" or "what a shame, that's so sad". Maybe it is sad and maybe they could have used a bit more love--people can always use a bit more love--but maybe we don't know when they're time was up or what was right for them.
    This still totally sounds wrong. Maybe don't pay attention to what I'm saying; it isn't coming out right. What I mean is I don't think we should be scared of death the way most people are. It's a beautiful thing and part of everyone's process.

    Dupree, in no way am I saying you should kill yourself. But, you don't have to beat yourself up over thinking about it. You certainly don't have to feel bad about sharing it with us. Honestly, I think if we talked more about issues like this then maybe we'd have less of those "how sad" kinds of suicides. But the truth is most people probably think about it at some point. And the ugly truth is that most people don't want to talk about it or hear about it, and that's when we get some of the "what a shame" deaths. Silence is what kills people.

  2. I just want to give a shout out to you, Dupree. Writing about scary topics (and what we really think about them) is hard. We tend to think we have to put on a happy facade all the time in order to be accepted or whatever, but I think there is HUGE importance in talking about hard things. When we let our deep, dark secrets out into the light and talk about them, they suddenly don't become quite as scary. So don't you ever apologize for writing about "depressing" or "morbid" things, and especially don't apologize for writing about what's personal. That's where the real stuff is. After all, this blog is called Breaking the Silence, so kudos to you for doing just that. :)

  3. Ry, those are interesting thoughts and I enjoy your point about silence. And Dupree, I completely agree with Jo. Way to break the silence! And you're completely right, too. People go to therapy. People become suicidal. I've been in both of those spots, as have friends of mine. And it's weird that people don't really talk about it more... So I'm glad that you open the discussion in your posts. It's important and completely great that you do!

  4. I just want to echo Ry, Jo, and L. Fauset here. Don't ever hesitate to write about the personal stuff--particularly the hard, "dark," and scary stuff.

    Maybe this is a topic to talk about more. I went through a period of time where I was certainly suicidal. Mostly, I just thought a lot about wanting to die, but not really wanting to take any action about it...which, I'm glad about now. But, I did a lot of self-destructive things--like cutting. We'll talk about that issue soon, I hope, in the next discussion panel :)

    Thanks for breaking the silence on this one. We definitely need to read, hear, write, talk about these things. :)