This past weekend I got to spend a lot of car time talking with a really awesome person. One of the great things that I gleaned from our conversations is the term "coming in". We were discussing the topic of "coming out" and the processes that a lot of people go through when they're coming to terms with their own feelings and desires and all that. But, my friend told me that she didn't like the term "coming out" because it doesn't describe her process at all. "Coming out" seems to imply knowing something for a long time and finally deciding to shout it out to the world. Personally, I've reached that point in my life where I have "come out" (see my youtube channel Both Sides Now). But that wasn't the whole of my process. There was a time when, instead of parading around in a fancy mask and pretending to be everything every Mormon should be, I had to come in. I had to listen to that truth inside me and learn to accept myself the way that I am. I'm not saying that I can't change or grow or become better, but the best thing I ever did in my life was to come in.
One of my favorite songs is Dark Come Soon by Tegan and Sara because it's my "coming out" song.
Another reason I love it is because it reminds me of my own "coming in". The lyrics that I identify with the most go like this: "Everything I say, I say to me too. Everything I do, I do to me too. So what. So what I lied. I lie to me too..." I wou
ld sing to this song very angrily when I felt like someone didn't understand how I could pretend to like a boy and then be lesbian all of a sudden. Or how I could be such a good Mormon girl and then be lesbian all of a sudden. I felt like I lied to myself for a long time, and it hurt more to think that I lied to myself than it did knowing I lied to anyone else. Coming in and seeing my own truth for the first time was what helped me get to the happy state that I'm in right now. I know that I can be honest with everyone. More importantly, I can b
e honest with myself.
Just to add a little religious bit here, my favorite scripture has always been
Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hear my voice and open the door,
I will come in to him and will sup with him, and he with me.
Being able to see my process of accepting and loving myself as "Coming In" has also made me think about how much easier it is to let Christ in to my life. Before I came in to myself, I was guarded and I withheld a lot from the people around me. I was very judgmental and self-righteous. I didn't know how to let love into my heart. I didn't know how to see the good in people. I didn't know how to relate to others and to come to understand, accept, and love them the way that Christ does. I believe that coming in helped me learn to let others in, and that has been the best blessing of all because I can now truly live my religion of Love.
A special thanks to Victoria ;)
~Live your own truth~