Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Days of Summer I

There are three things that I would like to address in this post, which is my first post of my series of 'Days of Summer' posts, which finish in September. They correlate with a few goals that I have.

Primary Goal - Become more aware of lesbians, lesbian issues, bisexual issues, and both cultures.
Secondary Goal - Be more aware of my interplay of feelings as an autistic, a bisexual, and a rape survivor.
Tertiary Goal - Finish my current renaissance fantasy manuscript, but that correlates less with the content of these posts and more with the idea that I just want to get it done.

After reading Tiffany's post on Coming In, I realized something. I came out as bisexual, but I never came into the bisexual or lesbian cultures. This is partially due to my own fear of dealing with my own sexuality, something I barely understood in high school and only slightly more during college. I've had friends go in, and I've watched distantly, not joining them in their revelry and celebration and consumption of things typical to lesbians and bisexual culture. Frankly, it's scared me more than a few times.

However, I do have to repeat that before I identify as bisexual, I identify as an autistic person. My senses and how I perceive things on a sensory level comes before my sexuality--at least for me. Just as immediate to me is my identity as a rape survivor. I say survivor and not victim since words will put you in mindsets and purvey particular perspectives. I'm trying to stick to the traits of the former and not the latter. Especially by shifting to agnosticism from Mormonism, being autistic, having been raped, and dealing with my bisexuality, I have a lot to victimize myself for. However, since strengths can be derived from all of those things, it's something I've worked to transform from hindering to enabling.

I've wanted to stick a lot of my dislike of lesbian culture to my own personal preferences and being autistic. I don't connect with people in the same way that most do, and a lot of lesbian interaction subverts or plays around with a lot of different social rules between girls. That actually scares me. I'm not against the idea at all, but it's a challenge for me to work with. However, I've made the goal to at least become more familiar with different memes, media, and patterns within bisexual/lesbian culture in order to at least keep my bi card renewed.

Like I said before, I'm not a big fan of Tegan and Sara. However, after giving all of my albums of them a second chance, I realized I liked a few. I revisited some of the songs that I liked, and Missing You and Walking With a Ghost now have double-digit play counts on Songbird. It's not that I don't like the lyrics of Tegan and Sara. I love having girls scream in the background "I LOVE HER!" What I dislike is their instrumental arrangements and their vocal performances--it comes off as mediocre to me. Call me a snob, but that's how I see it. 

That's been my progress so far on opening my mind this week. There's also something else from an earlier post that I'd like to clarify.

I have no hard feelings against experimentation and finding out who you are. None. It's when you flock to a label or a name and do everything in your power to become that label for perceived acceptance--that bothers me. Believe me, if you want someone who does not feel that experimentation of heart and soul are necessary for life, you're talking to the wrong woman. However, experimentation can lead to harming others, and repression of experimentation can lead to self-harm--I know both of those things very well. Self-expression should always be healthily processed and unhindered in that process in the right time and place.

Before I step off the soapbox, there's another topic I want to address.

I've been heavily questioning my sexuality over the last two or three months. I've been tempted to rename myself a pansexual and an asexual at the same time. That would make most people at least quirk an eyebrow, if not more. At one moment, the thought of both straight and lesbian sex sounds awful and disgusting. I just want to curl up in someone's arms, and sometimes, not even that. What never changes is that I want the deep, emotionally intimate connection and relationship, the empathy, and the assurance that no harm will come between us.

From my reasoning, it would seem that my rape situation at seven years old still affects me deeply, which I've come to terms with. I'm not completely at peace with what happened, but I've accepted the idea that I might never be at peace on that matter. However, I'm determined to get to the bottom of why at one moment, all I'll want for days and weeks at a time is to be held or just to be protected. Then, I'll suddenly shift gears and be on fire for love and lusting after nearly any possible person (more often 5-6 people in particular at a time) and be attracted to nearly anyone around my age. I can say that I'm romantically and sexually attracted to any range of gender, but being attracted to anyone is not always a constant. 

Thankfully, I've been able to come to a peaceful resolution with my boyfriend on that matter. We're working through it and we're both doing everything possible to keep me from overstimulating on an autistic level and from reliving rape. When it happens, we've been able to work through it just fine and he's worked hard to make sure that the situations that lead up to those reactions don't happen. That's what love is--working to make the other partner happy, and that shouldn't be limited to any combination of gender.

Anyway, I've been ranting, haven't I?
Chew on those thoughts for a while, and tell me how it tastes.

Keep on keeping on,



  1. Nice post. I love reading what you have to say because you have such a different perspective on life than anyone I know. I feel so fascinated with seeing life through different lenses. Yours is one of my favorites.

    You don't have to like Tegan and Sara to be lesbian or bisexual. But, I will say that I like them because their lyrics are good and their music is simple.

  2. I do have to add one more thing, just so I feel like everything is clear. When I say coming in, what I mean is coming into yourself and listening to your own inner thoughts/feelings.

    While your goal to be more aware of lesbians, bisexuals and their issues and cultures is really good, don't feel like you have to become a part of them in any way. Perhaps I say this because anything I've experienced on terms of lesbian culture has been very different from how I want to live my life.