Tyler said: "From what I have observed both in my life and in the experiences of others, many who lose the faith and seem to distance themselves from spiritual relationships will opt to throw their energy into less spiritual and possibly unhealthy bonds with others. For example, it makes sense that one may feel that their sexual energy and freedom is stifled due to their religious beliefs, and they may immediately seek instant and frequent sexual satisfaction in order to "make up for lost time." After years of devotion to developing strong and healthy spiritual lives and relationships, it makes sense that those who lose the faith would pursue just the opposite."
I feel like I'm on a quest. I'm trying to find some good Mormon-type values in the realm of gays (but mostly lesbians) and it seems really hard. I don't feel at all successful in my searching. Perhaps what Tyler said is true. People lose faith. They lose faith in God, faith in Christ, faith in mercy, forgiveness, love, salvation, redemption. And when they lose faith in humanity and in themselves they turn to what the world has to offer. Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. I've noticed that a lot of gay and lesbian Mormons tend to pursue the opposite of what their religion advocates.
I'm not trying to point fingers. I admit. I've tried it. I went off the deep end and disregarded everything that I once stood for. A large part of it was curiosity. I'd never gone against the teachings of my church. I didn't know what it was really like. I soon found out that it is everything all my church leaders and fellow members said it would be. Degrading. Disastrous. Destructive. It didn't make me happy.
But, how do I embrace every aspect of myself and feel happy? If I adopt every little piece of my religion down to the stuff about homosexuality being evil, then how do I love myself? And if I deny my religion to the point of never opening my scriptures again or never falling on my knees, then how do I live with myself?
For a long time it seemed to me that if I couldn't get married then what did it mean for me to follow the rule about abstinence until marriage? Would I then have to be single and celibate for my entire life? Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. People live those kinds of lives all the time. Monks and Catholic nuns, for example. I thought about becoming a Catholic nun once. I decided I didn't want to be married to Jesus, so a friend of mine suggested I become a Mormon nun. If there were Mormon convents then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But the truth is, the LDS church only knows how to talk about two things. Marriage, and children. If you don't have these two things then you are either too young for that step in life or you're doing something wrong and you need to get yourself an opposite-sex partner quick so you can make babies asap. There's really no place in the church for gays and lesbians, and that's tough.
I don't want to feel like I have to throw my values away because I'm lesbian. I know that it's important to not be physically intimate with someone until after marrying that someone. I know that alcohol is not good for the body, neither for the spirit or the mind. I know the value of having faith in a loving God and maintaining a close relationship with that same loving God. Can I not have those things with another woman?
Maybe I can't.
So, what I have to do now is live my life according to my own standards. I have to make a place for myself.
I will stick to my personal standards and not lower them for any reason or anyone.