If you ask me today, however, I’m less excited. In fact, I’m second guessing my decision to go and I’m a little disappointed.
Don’t get me wrong, I still am ready to leave Utah (it will always be home but I am truly sick of it right now). I also think my new home, Cincinnati, is a beautiful city and I know there is a lot more professional opportunities back east than there are here, but I’m sad.
Why you may ask? Because I’ve started seeing someone and I like him – a lot.
I haven’t dated anyone, male or female, consistently for over a year. Because it’s been such a long period of time in between relationships, I forgot how wonderful it feels to care about someone and realize that they feel the same way about you, too.
I forgot how beautiful it feels to share your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with someone; to connect on a level that you really can’t reach when you’re ‘just friends’ or interacting with family members.
Similarly, experiencing sensual, intimate moments with someone who you care about and are attracted to can be euphoric.
As I’ve mulled over the last few months of exchanges with this guy, I am beginning to realize how far away from my former faith and church I’ve come. In previous experiences and romantic interactions with men, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt and fear and dread. Now, however, I feel peace, tranquility, and even love.
Perhaps my change in feelings can be attributed to this guy. I mean, I have to say I think he’s pretty wonderful. But, honestly, I am more inclined to believe that I am finally starting to discover my own divine worth; that I am who I am and that is okay – regardless of what family members or neighbors or anyone else may say or think. I am finally to a point where I believe I’m a good human being who deserves to love and be loved.
As I think back on my years of commitment to celibacy and “Christian service” (rather than coming in and out as gay), I am saddened. I have so much love to give and I cannot fathom (anymore) the idea of not sharing my love with someone. I am still trying to figure out where I stand with God but, from what I do still believe, I do not think that He wants or expects me to hide my love – or anyone’s love for that matter.
If He exists, He IS love, right? At least that’s what we’re taught. So that is how I am going to govern my life and my relationships.
Now, is my new ‘beau’ my future husband? I don’t know. I do know, though, that I am in the right place at the right time and when I move next month, I will address the changes and challenges as they happen.
Until then, though, I am going to enjoy some wonderful company and a blossoming friendship and relationship. Any time's a good time to love, right?