Thursday, March 15, 2012

On Love, Religion and Heartache


Meet my father.

Okay not really.  He doesn't look anything like that, but he probably has that sign posted in his living room.

I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me start over.

Ahem.

Although I am not Christian or religious, I was raised in a very strict LDS household and my family still maintains those beliefs.  Rigidly.  We were the kind of Mormon family that you read about in church magazines, the kind who had scripture study and family prayer every morning, who went to church every Sunday, even on vacation.  My dad was bishop.  My mom was gospel doctrine teacher.  We were all perfect little children sitting neatly in a row (ok...this part is an exaggeration.  We were never neatly in any rows.  Eight children sitting still all at the same time?  Probably not.)  Religion is and always has been a huge deal, both in my immediate and extended families.  Every family gathering revolved around religion.  We prayed at ever meal.  We shared testimonies and had devotionals together.  We sang hymns at home and had family night every week.  Religion was my life.  It was how I related to my world and my family.  It is what tied us together and gave us something to talk about.

And then the bombs started to fall.

Leaving the church wasn't enough.  I had to go off and be gay, too!  I was terrified to come out to them.  Previous to coming out I had separated myself from the church, cutting that "bond" and dissolving that "common ground."  I knew that, according to their beliefs, my being gay was considered evil, sinful, and something that could be cured with therapy, but my desire to share my life with them and to be honest about myself outweighed my desire to stay on "safe" ground and to maintain those relationships on false pretenses.  I needed to be me.  I didn't want to hide anymore.  So out I came!

I told my favorite brother and my mom first.  My mom passed the "news" on to one of my sisters and my dad.  My dad (bless his stupid heart), felt the need to write me an epistle (not joking.  It was 9 pages, single-spaced) detailing the effects of sin and how homosexuality was one of the worst of such sins.  He included, at length, descriptions of how homosexuals were possessed by evil spirits of the opposite gender, explaining that that was the reason for their same-sex attraction (my evil spirit is named Brad, if you must know.  I'm rather fond of him), and that repentance and turning away from evil are the only cures.

Well, dad, thanks for that.

My mom was a little different.  When I said, "Mom, I'm gay," she responded with, "are you?"  The kind of "are you?" that you would say after someone just told you they were sick, or that they didn't make the soccer team.  It was that tone of voice.  I can hardly blame her though.  That's a hard topic to dump on someone and expect them to give a good reaction.  Although I can tell that my mom is trying, it's not particularly easy with her either.  She has asked that I not talk to my siblings about my being gay so that she might educate them "as they mature and have questions."  "I will share with the others as I feel they are ready to consider such adult topics," she says.  Adult topics?  Is loving and adoring someone such an adult topic that kids can't hear about it?  My other siblings get to bring their significant others around and can even touch them around the family (which is something I have specifically been asked not to do).

I try not to get angry.  I know that this will be a process for my family just as it was a process for me, but where do I draw the line between respecting my mother and respecting myself?  I'm not going to sit my siblings down and tell them about gay sex.  I'm not going to try to "convert" them to the gay side.  It doesn't work that way, I'm afraid.  I don't want to fill their heads with "evil" ideas and thoughts.  All I want, my only desire, is to be able to share my life with them.  I want to tell them how excited I am, how I finally feel at home in my own skin.  I want to tell them about how I found love, about how wonderful she is, how much fun we have together.  I want to involve them in my life.  I want them to be a part of it all.  That's it.  And the fact that I can't do that has caused a lot of heartache.

Without meaning to, my mom has isolated me, in a way.  She is saying that my life, my love is too "adult" for the kids, too evil for them to know about.  She has to protect them from me. I can talk about school and the weather and Nintendo games, but not my life.  I feel like by restricting what I can share with the kids she is teaching them, without them even knowing it, that my love for another woman is wrong, that I am bad, evil (which, for all I know, is what she believes, so maybe that is her intention.)  Wouldn't it be so much easier (for everyone) if she just told them that I love my girl just as my brother loves his girlfriend?  Why can't they just grow up with the idea that love is love is love?

I find it a little strange that family is where it seems to be the hardest.  Isn't that where the love is "unconditional?"  Why, then, do all of my friends support me 100% and love me wholeheartedly while my family struggles?  My mom is trying though.  I think.  She will invite me and my girl to lunch, to family parties (as long as we don't touch each other).  She is starting to acknowledge that my girl is not going anywhere, that she is a part of my life.  We've even laughed about it a few times.  I have appreciated her efforts.  They have not gone unnoticed.  But I do dream of the day when it will be "normal" to them, when I will be able to show up to a family event with the girl I love and not feel like I have to walk on eggshells.  I don't feel comfortable around my family.  I don't feel at ease.  I watch how the kids play and I LOVE how they love me.  To them, I am still just Jo.  I am still just their sister, the one they love to play with.  They don't care.  What does it matter if I'm gay?  Will it really change anything for them?  All they do is love.  And it feels good.  But will that change when my mom finally allows me to be myself around them??

I know they are trying (well...some of them), and I know they will have their own process with it all, just like I did, but sometimes I just wish I could tell them to get out of their little "religion" boxes long enough to see that I'm still me.  I'm still the daughter/sister/cousin that they adored and loved growing up.

Strange how the thing that used to tie us together, that used to be our common ground, has become the thing that separates us and makes us different.


I can see both sides of this one.  Maybe it's because I was raised in the religion that is now causing me to be an "other" to my family?  I don't know.  I'm sure it will get easier with time (I hope.)  I so much want my relationship with my mom back.  We used to be best friends.  We used to tell each other everything, to confide in each other, to share our lives with each other.  Now it feels like I am just another weight on her shoulders, a "problem" that she vents about to her friends.

Of all the relationships that I've lost over the years, I miss that one the most.


This has turned into an unorganized ramble, but I've needed to start writing about it.  Forgive the length.  Many of the people that read and post on this blog come from similar backgrounds.  How is it for you?  Share if you want.  I'd love to hear your stories and thoughts.

39 comments:

  1. I had that family too, plus a side dish of unmitigated rage and violence that was used to run the family instead of love.

    I'm so sorry. In many ways, I had to find another family to invest my love into. I wish you the best of luck with yours.

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    1. I think a lot of us form a "family of choice" as we grow older and create our own worlds, and I am grateful for that option. Those friends have been an incredible support group. I'm happy to see you've found one as well. :) Thanks for your thoughts.

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  2. My mom is trying her best. I told her about a friend that I had that was a girl and she asked "is she your girlfriend?" As soon as she asked that I explained that no she wasn't but I did have a crush on her. She then found some excuse to get off the phone rather abruptly. I was really hurt. She asked first so why should I not share? But bless her heart she called me back a few minutes later and apologized. I appreciate that is trying so hard but I did notice that the person who accepts me most is my best friend. And I love it because she is a VERY active member of the Church. She's just a very good example of what unconditional love is.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your story, Dupree. I think a lot of people are in the same shoes, Mormon or not. Maybe it's because our families are the ones we grow up with, they are the ones who carry these ideas and expectations about who we will be and what we will do when we grow up. Perhaps that is the reason they seems to be the ones to take it the hardest when we don't turn out how they had imagined.

      Still, I don't think I have it that bad, even though it hurts. I still talk to my mom. Many people are totally alienated from their families after coming out.

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  3. I love you Jo. I wish there was some way that I could help. Sadly I can't change the way others think. I think that she is coming around, slowly but surely. As for dad, well he can just go to hell. I completely agree with you when you say "To them, I am still just Jo. I am still just their sister, the one they love to play with. They don't care. What does it matter if I'm gay? Will it really change anything for them?" It won't change! Yeah, they will have their different ways of dealing with it but really I think they will be fine.

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    1. You're right. :) And I've come to realize that even if they don't accept me as I am, I have accepted myself, which is where the real happiness lies. Love you!

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  4. I am honestly weeping right now. Weeping with you, for you, and for myself. I always wanted the big Mormon family you have growing up. I obviously never got it. None of my extended family are members but they can be extreme in their own right. My immediate family is small but I think part of the problem I have with coming out is the petite nature of my family. Like you, I'm the oldest. I'm also the only soon. And, for years, we've kind of joked that my middle sister is the 'black sheep' of the family. When I come out, however, she is going to look like Saint Mary. Now, I wish my family didn't have this vein of religiously approved bigotry running through it. I am rambling here but I want you to know I love your posts, all of them. And more importantly, I love you - 100 percent and without conditions! Take care my dear friend!

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    1. Also, Brad? I wonder what mine's name is... Shaniqua. Yup, that's it.

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    2. Thanks for your love. You can be in my "family of choice" club. :) And I'm diggin Shaniqua. :)

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    3. I don't think I mentioned earlier but mines Ricky :)

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  5. I think it's hardest on the moms. But, maybe I only say that because my dad was never around so I have no idea what he really thought, except that if I had told him before his cancer when he was strong enough to beat me then he would have whipped me til I was straight. My mom loves me exactly the same, and she treats me exactly the same as well. I know she wished I had kept dating that nice boy she liked and eventually married him in the temple and then had half a dozen babies...but she loves everyone. She loves anyone I bring home with me (lover or friend). She hurts inside because it's so hard for her to reconcile my love with her religion, but, unlike most Mormons, she knows how to truly love people without making judgments.

    I think for your mom, it really just needs time. She probably misses your friendship more than anything else, too. Thanks for this post. Very honest, and exactly the kinds of things we all experience. It's nice to know we're not alone.

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    1. Your mom is cool.

      And yes, I know it's a time thing. Time heals a lot of things.

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    2. Your dad would have beat you into liking boys? I know from reading some of your past posts, that your dad died recently, Tif. So I'm just curious about what kind of relationship that was...

      I'm glad to know your mom treats you the same (assuming that was good). But, I think the heartache she feels is just like what Jo talked about--it's the expectations that our family has for us and then the disappointment of that not happening that shakes their world. Adjusting to a new way of seeing their friend/family is hard, even if they're still good at maintaining that love.

      ditto about the post. I like these sorts of topics (the gritty personal ones) becasue I feel like I'm getting to know you so much better, Jo! and everyone who comments.

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    3. :) My mom is pretty cool.

      And so is your mom.

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    4. Ry, I didn't have a very close relationship with my dad. For most of my growing up years until I got into college I was terrified of my dad. He was opinionated and had a past of physical violence. I hated the way he treated my brother, especially. But, as far as beating me straight, I didn't care. He was too weak to do anything by that point. And frankly, I didn't care what he thought. If he wanted to make it an issue between us, it would have been more of an ache for him than for me (although I admit that I say this with some anger towards him, and of course, a part of me truly loved my dad--that's probably why I"m so angry at him even now).

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  6. Possessed by demons? your dad seriously thinks you have an evil man demon in you making you gay? Like, for serious? Where do people get ideas like that?

    Your family reminds me a little bit of Addie's. She still hangs out with them sometimes, but they never talk about being gay and if I go to a family activity (very rarely happens) it's uber uncomfortable...for everyone.

    I think parents are so weird. They think that protecting their children means not discussing things--ultimately I think it damages them far more. By letting the little ones see that love is love no matter what the gender/age/whatever then it makes things easier on them. If they develop this idea that gay is bad then they have to go through the heartwrenching process of dealing with their sister who is gay, but never really seemed bad.

    I hope you can find a good place with your mom again.

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  7. Joanne,
    It was with great sadness that I read your blog. Sadness, because of the almost unspeakable pain that I knew I would watch your mother endure as she heard (from others) your words regarding her "flaws" and "shortcomings" broadcast on the world wide web. I have tried to help her in any way I can as she tries her very best to navigate her new life as the divorced wife of a gay husband and the mother of a gay daughter.

    I put the word "gay" in front of the words 'husband' and 'daughter' because it seems that both of you have put that aspect of your lives before all other things. Your mother would give her life for you. She loves you so much, but you ask her to condone your choice to be homosexual, actually you demand it--in your actions and words (yes, the birthday T-shirt was brutal).

    Knowing her beliefs as well as you do, you know that for her to accept homosexuality as anything other than the choice to engage in sin is to deny the existence of God. You have chosen not to be Christian or religious, but you are not content until she does the same. How can you ask that of her? Religion is not a "box" for her. You know that. She is one of the kindest, most selfless people I know.

    She is trying so hard to keep you in her life, no matter how much pain and suffering your choices cause. That's what a parent does. She has the obligation to raise her children as best she can. You should repect her rules and appreciate her efforts in your behalf. In her "venting" as you call it with me, she has always expressed her love for you and admiration of your many talents and qualities. I wish you would respect her enough to keep your "ventings" between you and Tiffany. If you could witness the abject agony I witness with every activist statement you make, I think you would stop excoriating her publicly.
    Sincerely, Scotti

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    1. I just want to point out the being gay isn't an aspect of your life, it is your life. I won't speak for Jo (even though I don't think I'd be wrong in saying this) but for me being gay isn't a choice.
      As for venting on the blog, that's what it's for. Or at least that's what I use it for. Venting to people I know will care about me and understand the things that I'm going through that my family just can't understand. It's a safe place.
      So I don't know you Scotti but it sounds like you really love Jo's mom, which is awesome, she needs support too because I'm sure it's hard for her. But I love Jo and I'm proud of her for sharing her story :)

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    2. Scotti, I'm sorry about your perceptions of this post--that you seem to have taken it the wrong way. I read this as simply a sharing of feelings and personal experience, but maybe that's because I know Jo on a very personal level. We all have something in common though: a great love for Jo's mom. Sure there may be some pain involved--but that's how relationships are. We're emotional beings experiencing only our own worlds and views.

      I just want to try to clear up a few things that seem to have been misperceived.
      First, I gave Michelle the t-shirt NOT Jo. So if actions and words have been demanding, it is my fault. But second, that was not meant at all as a demand for acceptance, and maybe I was deceived at the time of exchange, but "brutal" is not at all how I would have described the situation. And third, being homosexual is not a choice. Trust me, honey, if I could have chosen my orientation I would be straight. It has been a very painful, agonizing, tear-filled process of finally accepting the idea that I will never be attracted to men the way I am to women, and I, like most others in my position, fought and resisted my feelings for a long time. Maybe you will never understand how hard it is, but please don't make it out to be this choice to be evil. You attached the word gay to Jo because you seem to think she has put that aspect of her life before everything else, so let me ask you this: are you married? Because if you are, then you probably put your "straightness" first in your life as well, and so do a lot of people you know. I don't mean this in a sexual way; I'm talking about love. For some reason it seems to be okay for every straight person to live in a happy little life pursuing love and making it their entire life and building whole families on that one thing, yet it isn't okay for a gay person to do the same. Maybe it goes agains your beliefs, but you know what your lifestyle probably goes against my beliefs somehow, but frankly I don't care. I loved my father who smoked and drank and had stacks of porn magazines sitting on his kitchen table, and with the exception of smoking, I never once asked him to change his life or to subdue any part of himself just because of my personal beliefs. I'm not saying this to glorify myself or to make any judgement or commentary on anybody else's life, but rather to illustrate the idea that everybody has different beliefs and opinions; we can still love each other and be friends. Love is love is love. Regardless of how you look at it. Love is love is love. From mother to daughter. Daughter to father. Lover to lover. Friend to friend. Jo has not put "gay" first in her life. She has put LOVE first in her life and that is illustrated through her aching heart, her tears, and her hard work in trying to maintain a relationship with her mom.

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    3. Fourth, if you had seen the way that Jo interacts with her family, you would know that she DOES respect her mom. She DOES follow the "rules" that have been established because she is willing to do what she can to maintain a relationship with her family. And, in case you didn't read the post at all, Jo DOES appreciate Michelle's efforts--she mentioned this SEVERAL times in the post.
      Fifth, I understand in some ways what you mean, however it is foolish to say that Jo's choices are causing the pain and suffering in her mother's life. The true pain is coming from Michelle's desire to love her daughter and maintain a relationship with her while trying to reconcile that desire with her religious beliefs. I say this because I know how hard it was for me to reconcile my feelings with my religion, and frankly it led to a lot of self destructive behavior (like cutting) because I needed punishment, because God couldn't love me, because I wasn't good enough, I was a sinner, etc. etc. I know it must be hard for Michelle because I have seen my own mother's struggle with trying to reconcile her love for me with her devotion to her church. I'm sure my mother's heart aches a tremendous amount over this. I can't change that. It's her process. Not mine.

      Similarly, this is Jo's process. And Michelle's process. Not yours. Not mine.

      I will say that Michelle is an excellent lady. I admire her a lot. I love her dearly. And you certainly had it right when you said she is one of the kindest people I know.

      Thanks for reading the blog.

      <3
      Tif (the lover girl)

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    4. Dear Scotti,

      I don't know you but I feel the need to respond. I want you to know that I have known Joanne for more than a dozen years. I went to high school with her. We had mutual friends and mutual interests. I don't think that I could have called us close friends then but I can tell you that our friendship now is strengthened with each passing day. I can also tell you that as I have reconnected with Jo over the last several months, she is a much happier, genuine person today than she was while she was in high school. That sense of peace and happiness, I believe, is a direct result of her authenticity with herself and her family. I applaud her honesty, I cherish her candor, and I share my love with her.

      I don't have the pleasure of knowing Michelle but I imagine that she is a wonderful woman. And, similarly, as her friend, I am sure you are a good person, too. May I just say that your comments here, however well-intentioned, are some of the most hurtful, painful things I've read in some time.

      I am a new contributor to this blog. I've only been writing for it for a couple of months but the peace and acceptance I've gained through sharing my voice has given me an incredible sense of strength that I haven't had in years. But, after reading your comments, it showed me how much pain and sorrow I have left in my heart. Not because I am gay, but because there is so much hate and misinformation in the church that starts at the top with some members of the quorum of the 12 and filters down to the general church membership.

      Furthermore, I can't speak for Joanne's father but if he is gay, that's something I don't believe Jo has ever mentioned on this blog and you have just 'outed' him to this particular audience. Assuming you are correct in your claim, what benefit did he have in getting married and fathering eight wonderful children? If this is the case, would you prefer Jo marry, have children, and then leave her spouse to care and raise them alone?

      As a man who grew up in the church and one that is still trying to reconcile who I am within the church, with church doctrine, and with God, I can tell you that I think about squashing my sexuality as deeply as possible - every day - and just then getting married. But to what end? To father a family and potentially break my wife's heart and hurt my children because I decide one day I can't do it anymore? Isn't it better that I address this issue now before potentially affecting numerous others by default later down the road?

      I have been to counselors, listened to reparative therapy, studied everything the church has to offer on SSA and homosexuality. What I have come to understand is that the leaders of the church seem to change their views and proscribed action plans for gay members so often it's hard to keep track of what we, as homosexual members of the church, are supposed to do. The most recent counsel is to suffer in silence and hope that the millennium cures us of our unrighteous desires. We are NOT counseled to get married, we are asked to remain single, alone, and completely celibate.

      What a life.

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    5. I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to watch the majority of my friends from high school and college, and all of my mission companions get married and start their family while I am told not to. That it's not a blessing I get to enjoy in this life. It literally rips my heart out of my chest while Elder Packard and other hate-filled members of our church dance on it while openly mocking our pain and sorrow. All the while questioning "why a loving Heavenly Father would make gay children?" Well, I don't know why he makes us but he does. Why would any gay person, especially members of our church, CHOOSE to be gay when it is followed by immense amounts of pain, sorrow, anguish, and heartbreak? Why?

      Again, I cannot speak for Jo but I can speak for myself and I come from an incredibly similar situation. While it is painful for parents, it is even more painful for us as the person trying to navigate a world filled with prejudice and hate while reconciling how we fit into families and religions that shun us, call us sinful, and in many cases throw us by the way side because we no longer fit the stereotypical mold.

      I have thought about killing myself every day for more than a decade because my mother told me if I came home early from my mission, it better be in a body bag. I tremble to think of what she will tell me when I tell her I'm gay. Will she tell me that she wishes I was dead? I don't know. I do know, however, that I have told my self since I was 14 that I would be better off dead because at least then my parents wouldn't have to deal with the shame and remorse of having a gay son. Unfortunately, comments like yours today have reminded me of those feelings and I am at a loss on how to personally overcome them.

      Scotti, this is long and I doubt you even considered reading this to begin with but let me end by saying the Savior commanded us all to love, even as he did. Christ forgave all and judged not; it is my hope that you, I, and every other member of the church can look beyond our own shortsightedness and try to love as fully as He does. If Christ can marry a prostitute, I'm confident he can love his gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender brothers and sisters.


      Jo,

      I love you dearly and I continue to weep with you. Literally. I think the world of you and I envy your strength and your courage and I hope you know that I am here for you ALWAYS. Anytime you want more squash, call me. I also make a mean variety of desserts if we need something sweeter. Just sayin'.

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    6. Dear MJ,
      That was beautiful. Thank you.

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    7. I have been thinking and thinking about how to respond to all of this. First, I want to say that I appreciate all of these comments. Yes, all.

      Really I'm quite heartbroken. There are so many things to say, many of which are probably pointless. Arguing about religion and intentions won't really get us anywhere. I just want to make it clear how much I love my mother and also that I have never questioned her love for me. There are no words for the connection I share with her and the intense amount of love I feel. Yes, the changes in our relationship have been hard, and yes, I have my frustrations, but I respect my mother. I have talked with her specifically about this post. We have shared tears and laughter about it. I'm not saying there won't be pain at reading my experiences, but I am in no way attacking her. If anything, I am just expressing the heartache I feel at the distance. This blog is called "LGBT Voices" and is a place for sharing our experiences as a part of that community. This is a hard journey to be sure, for both sides, and I am not ignoring her pain, nor glorifying my own.

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    8. I loved this post. I have written about five different responses. None of which feel like what I really want to say...

      So, Jo, I love you. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you for putting yourself out there and blessing my life with your words.

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    9. Thanks for reading, Jen. And for your comment. Love to you.

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  8. Jo,

    I know I'm in kind of a different boat than most of you, but this is something I've thought about a lot because I'm a parent. I can't comprehend parents who reject their kids for being gay - or really for any other reason. And I admit that I'm a little judgmental from that point of view...but my heart aches for you - and for your parents because they're missing out on having a relationship with you.

    I hope for their sakes, and yours that they'll both come to a point where they see that you're still you - nothing has really changed.

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    1. This is lovely and gorgeous. I feel a little creepy because I read this blog and am so in love with your posts and wish I were your friend and I don't even know you, really, so I'm sorry to be a bit of a creeper. Anyway, thanks for having the courage to share this. I honestly don't understand how parents who believe in an unconditionally loving God can reject and hurt their children in ways like this. the same thing would happen with my parents if they caught even the vaguest HINT that I was even SLIGHTLY bisexual, which happens to be the case, which would pretty much RUIN THEIR LIVES. It really frustrates me. I really hope your family comes around-it might just take time. I think you're a great writer and a great human. Thanks for sharing things like this :)

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    2. I appreciate your comment. And you're not creepy. :) I love when people comment on my posts, even if I don't know you. My heart goes out to you if you are in a similar situation. Family seems to be the hardest to tell for most people. I think it's because we love them so much and so badly want to please them and to retain their good opinion. I can't say I've been "rejected" by my family, things are just hard sometimes. Hard because I want them to be as they were and they never will be because we are all growing and changing. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. Please comment in the future if you feel inclined. :)

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    3. Jo, after I commented I wished I had changed my wording...I'm sorry for using the word "reject." That wasn't a good word to describe your situation. I love my little boy so much I can't imagine him doing anything that would put distance between us, so it's hard for me to understand parents allowing something like homosexuality to distance them from their children. But if I think about life a little more realistically and without jumping to judgement...I realize that there have been times in my own life where I've done things that my parents didn't really like, and didn't understand, and even though they loved me, there was distance. Relationships go through all kinds of phases and growth...people change and their understanding increases. I'm happy that you have a relationship with your mom that allows for communication - that you were able to talk to her about this. I loved your blog post - and the loving responses of the other bloggers. You are clearly loved :).

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  9. It's like you took my life (maybe fast forwarded a couple years as I'm still not out to my mother) and made it into a blog post. Carry on, sister. Here's to a brighter tomorrow.

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  10. Thanks, Sappho! Clever screen name, by the way. Love it. Unless of course that's your real name, which makes it even better. :)

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    1. A carefully selected pseudonym. Glad you could appreciate it - I think some people don't get it!

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  11. This was a beautiful post Jo. I feel like maybe our gay demons are friends ;) (True story, my grandfather gave me a blessing where he blessed the demons out of me to "help" me not be gay anymore).

    Really though, there are moments when I feel like I'm reading my own words, or the words I would write. I'm the oldest of nine kids. I feel like my Mom keeps me from talking to my siblings about adult things, but I get frustrated because, like you said, I'm not going to be talking about how I made out with my boyfriend last night, etc. I just want them to know that he's special to me. And I don't think holding hands, or affection would kill them, but I'm not even asking for that. Right now, I don't know if I'm ever going to go home again. I can go, but there's been no sign that he can come, and I don't want to go home for the holidays without him.

    My Mom didn't want me to tell my siblings I was gay. I did. They were fine! None of them has the same predjudices my Mom had growing up. All of them just love me, the same as they did before I was gay.

    Except my mother. I feel like my mother must love me, but she has a funny way of showing it. I would never treat someone the way she treats me because I'm gay. I got volumes of letters from my parents when I first came out. My dad had me read books about how to unbecome gay.

    My story is different in that I actually tried to not be gay. For 10 years after coming out to my parents. I even got married for three of those. It's been rough. But ultimately, like a lot of people, I realized I had to be true to both what I wanted and needed. I love my family, but I refuse to let them use that against me to get me to do what they feel is right.

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    1. *Before I told them I was gay. I was gay all along, lol, just more closeted before.

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    2. Thanks for your story, Alex. I like hearing stories. :) Mostly I love that we can all relate to each other, and support each other as a result.

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  12. WOW. your dad...people will pull any and all crazy stories to try and explain the misunderstood. Possessed by demons? Where did he get that idea? My dad told me he prayed about me being gay and said that he got an answer telling him it's wrong, so therefore I need to leave it. I told him that I prayed about it for YEARS and got the answer that God loves me as gay, and he said, "Your answer doesn't match mine, so where are you getting your answers from Derek??" I replied that MY DAD is getting his answers from his fear and misunderstanding whereas my answer brought me peace. Our parents, I swear...you bring up the perfect point that why is it that in our families, the place of unconditional love, is it taken the hardest? These explanations, 'possessed by demons,' only seek to hurt and divide when we should all be growing together on this journey through life. I feel for you. And my mom is still my biggest champion. She said, "Derek, I've come to realize that if I am truly to be like Christ, he NEVER turned anyone away and accepted EVERYONE in his midst...you will always be welcome in my house, I will always accept you as you are, because I love you." THAT is the true Christian spirit, and I can say that things are getting better in my home. I just hope with time, they'll let me tell my siblings too so that we can all share life together instead of seperating me from my loved ones. God bless, Jo. We've got a harder lot in life because of circumstances we're born in, but we do have each other. My friends have been the greatest strength I've ever had, I can honestly say that, so stay strong and live long :)

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    1. Honestly, the "possessed by demons" crap has brought more laughs than heartache at this point, even though it has separated me from my dad. Thanks for sharing your story, and for commenting. :)

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