So I have no idea what this weeks theme is, as usual. I am also sick and totally stressed about freakin finals so there you have it!
So I thought I would talk about insecurities. I think these are things that all obviously have but how we deal with them is so different from person to person. I have a one major insecurity that I have had since I was 9 years old and it is still my biggest enemy today; I have body issues. I have two sides to my family, there is my mom's side which consists of tall blonde haired, blue eyed, skinny people; and there is my dad's side. Heavy, shorter, and full of natural diseases... oh great. Unfortunately I got a mix of both and one major thing was the metabolism of a dead person. Actually they might loose weight faster than I do by simply rotting.
I was always a little bit heavier growing up but at around 9 I knew it. I haven't gone swimming without a shirt on since I was 9 and I don't think anyone has seen me without a shirt on since around then as well, and yes this includes my family. I always have something on.
Honestly being gay I think has only made this worse because when you think gay you think either super skinny twink or beefcake and I don't fit into either of those groups. I am not massive but I am not skinny either. I have a love for water and also one for fashion and so my weight is something that I am always thinking about.
There are a few different guys that I go to school with that I would LOVE to ask out but in the back of my mind I am literally thinking that there is no way they could ever like me because I am not in amazing shape. I freaking hate worrying all the time but at this point I think I have trained myself into thinking this way.
What pisses me off is that I am a great cook and a healthy eater but I think people assume that I am a garbage disposal. I'm not I just have a shitty metabolism. And if you mention the word 'gym' or 'diet' I might punch you because I have done both. I was on a competitive swim team (as in 4-6 hours of swimming a day and meets on weekends) for 9 years, I play tennis, and have had 3 personal trainers. Nothing seems to work so my next step, accepting myself. I have come to the realization that I need to start to love myself no matter what I look like.
This will take time...