Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I hate being sick and chicken...

So I have no idea what this weeks theme is, as usual. I am also sick and totally stressed about freakin finals so there you have it!

So I thought I would talk about insecurities. I think these are things that all obviously have but how we deal with them is so different from person to person. I have a one major insecurity that I have had since I was 9 years old and it is still my biggest enemy today; I have body issues. I have two sides to my family, there is my mom's side which consists of tall blonde haired, blue eyed, skinny people; and there is my dad's side. Heavy, shorter, and full of natural diseases... oh great. Unfortunately I got a mix of both and one major thing was the metabolism of a dead person. Actually they might loose weight faster than I do by simply rotting.

I was always a little bit heavier growing up but at around 9 I knew it. I haven't gone swimming without a shirt on since I was 9 and I don't think anyone has seen me without a shirt on since around then as well, and yes this includes my family. I always have something on.

Honestly being gay I think has only made this worse because when you think gay you think either super skinny twink or beefcake and I don't fit into either of those groups. I am not massive but I am not skinny either. I have a love for water and also one for fashion and so my weight is something that I am always thinking about.

There are a few different guys that I go to school with that I would LOVE to ask out but in the back of my mind I am literally thinking that there is no way they could ever like me because I am not in amazing shape. I freaking hate worrying all the time but at this point I think I have trained myself into thinking this way.

What pisses me off is that I am a great cook and a healthy eater but I think people assume that I am a garbage disposal. I'm not I just have a shitty metabolism. And if you mention the word 'gym' or 'diet' I might punch you because I have done both. I was on a competitive swim team (as in 4-6 hours of swimming a day and meets on weekends) for 9 years, I play tennis, and have had 3 personal trainers. Nothing seems to work so my next step, accepting myself. I have come to the realization that I need to start to love myself no matter what I look like.

This will take time...


  1. I get what you are talking about. I have no where close to a perfect body and I grew up with a brother who did. I was constantly down on myself wishing that one day I would just wake up with the perfect body, perfect complexion, and perfect wardrobe. But I decided I needed to accept me first. And miraculously after I did that I started losing weight. I was happier and that just did something to me. I'm not constantly losing weight but I started looking at my body and thinking it was beautiful. So I definitely agree! love yourself and it wont matter if you have a few extra lbs! P.S. You want a guy who will love you no matter the body weight so don't be afraid because if he has a problem with the way you look, he probably isn't worth your time :)

  2. listen, there's no such thing as fat or skinny. there's no such thing as "a few extra pounds" because there's no one to compare yourself to. You are what you are, and don't go bringing the gay stereotypes into this because you are not a gay sterotype nor do you want to be--you're you.

    not that it matters because I'm a girl, but personally I like someone with some nice love handles. Try looking at yourself in the mirror for several (like maybe 30) minutes. talk to yourself. And look closer till you see all those amazing things that you know make you who you are--see them in your skin, in your wrinkles, your scars.

    I admit, Nathan, I'm surprised that you have these insecurities. I think you're a mighty handsome guy. Just sayin.

    Loving yourself is the best way to go about any problem ;)

  3. OMG I can totally relate to this one! Totally. I've come to find that body type has nothing to do with health. You can have an immaculate diet and run 6 miles every day and still have a gut.

    Tif is on it. Self-love is the way to go. But you're right. It DOES take time. Lots of it probably. Really though, body type doesn't mean a thing because it's confidence and self-acceptance that are what makes someone damn sexy. There's nothing quite as attractive as someone who is happy in their own skin.