For a Woman to Be Fully Informed

I've been hearing/reading/seeing a lot about contraceptives and abortions.

Maybe some of you have heard about Obama's mandate for contraceptive coverage (if not then check out the link HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, or HERE) Basically, Obama's plan is to require free insurance coverage for birth control for women. Apparently religious freaks (excuse me, fanatics...ahem, I mean...um...people...??) feel like it's a violation of their religious freedoms to be required to supply free coverage for birth control. I can only imagine what these people's views are...Probably that sex is for baby-making only (oh, and that it's the MAN's choice about when sex will happen, even though he'll most likely be a fucking bastard and leave the woman alone and pregnant with a child that SHE will have to take care of). Hmmm. There was not a single WOMAN on the witness board (take a look at the 2nd HERE), Representative Carolyn B. Maloney, Democrat of New York, asked: “Where are the women? It’s outrageous that the Republicans would not allow a single individual representing the tens of millions of women who want and need insurance coverage for basic preventive health care services, including family planning.” Why ask a woman? It's not like she's going to be the one AFFECTED by it at all.

I love a good war against religion. They're pretty devastating in the minds of religious people...probably because that's the only place they occur...

What really pisses me off about this whole thing is that these religious dudes say that it violates their religious beliefs to provide affordable contraceptives for women, or for insurance companies to provide free birth control to women--because sometimes these religious organizations have to provide insurance coverage for people (I've never heard of religions doing that, but okay, whatever). It's not like women are REQUIRED to USE the birth control. If a woman is religious and believes all this bull shit about birth control then she doesn't have to use it! What these priests and rabbis and bishops or whoever are trying to do is keep their people trapped in their stupid little religious rules. News flash, religious dudes, your ladies are going to have sex anyway (whether it's forced on her by some jackass like yourself who thinks he can run other people's lives or of her own free will). And damn, if these religious guys have their tighty-whities in a wad over contraceptives what in the world do they believe about ABORTION? Would they rather have women aborting their babies than simply using contraception and preventing those fetuses from even developing a tiny bit? Or maybe they'd rather have impoverished, single mothers struggling to take care of their children alone (because we all know few men are going to stick around to take any responsibility).

Now, if that isn't enough to tighten my jaw and make the hairs on my arms stick out all crazy, there's some law being considered about trans-vaginal ultrasound in Virgina, Texas, and Iowa. People are lovingly referring to it as Government-Sanctioned Rape. You can read about it HERE, and if you think that's already biased then maybe HERE for the bill.

(Taken from the 1st HERE)

During the debate Republican State Del. Todd Gilbert said:

“the vast majority of these cases [abortion] are matters of lifestyle convenience.” And, 

“We think in matters of lifestyle convenience and in other matters that it is right and proper for a woman to be fully informed about what she is doing.”

I agree with this statement by Todd Idiot Gilbert in one aspect. It IS right and proper for a woman to be fully informed about what she is doing--about sex, and her body, and the consequences of not using birth control. Every person ought to be informed on sex, and their bodies, and the consequences of not using birth control. But most importantly, I think that everyone needs to be taught that sex is NOT BAD. Once people understand this then it won't be a huge fucking issue about rape and abortion and STDs. People need to be informed about the feelings in their bodies, about healthy ways to release those energies, about how to respect other people, and more importantly oneself in every aspect--including sexuality.

Okay, sorry to get all political over here (not really sorry). And, to you religious people, I don't hate YOU. I just hate your religion, your beliefs, and you know, your ideas that it's okay to let women get fucked up and then make them deal with the consequences alone. :)

Rybread Wisdom

What it Takes For a Woman to Be Fully Informed: one word--COMMUNICATION.

This means that a parent who has a daughter will tell her that once she hits puberty she's gonna want to dry hump her pillow sometimes, and baby, that's OK. Not only is she going to start bleeding from the lack of egg fertilization (aka not being pregnant), she's gonna have white-ejaculation-stuff (great words, eh?) come from her vagina to lubricate it--BECAUSE OUR BODIES ARE MEANT TO HAVE SEX!

This also means that in health class (and at HOME) teachers and parents don't just talk about how she can get pregnant from having sex some-odd percent of the time. They talk about what her options are, and they need to tell her that celibacy is fucking HARD (I mean not-fucking hard?), and that if she chooses that route then good for her, but remember she still has the option of masturbation (and her pillow) and her sexuality doesn't have to be killed and locked in a closet. They need to talk about options for if she's gonna have sex, because let's face it she's gonna have sex at some point! and she shouldn't go into blind and uninformed. There are all kinds of contraceptives--condoms, the pill, the patch, those awesome things you insert into the vagina that latch onto a man's penis when he isn't supposed to be in there. . . The important thing to remember is to be prepared for it. If you're gonna have sex, make it an active, thought-out choice and protect yourself. Why don't we teach this in schools? Why don't parents think to tell their kids about this MAJOR part of LIFE? I don't have the answer to that, but I think it's time to change it (and maybe dance about it).

Testing Testing Can You Hear Me?

Because it was Valentine’s Day this week I want to talk about a friend love and a beginning infatuation. As for the friend love. I was madly in love with this kid during high school… and after. But then one night he came to Utah. I was shuttling him to and from the airport and I had to wait a while for him to be on his date with a friend of mine. I figured it would suck, that I would spend the entire time pining over him. But turns out I didn’t. I did homework and when my thoughts would wander they would find themselves on this boy I was crushing on.

So fast forward a little bit and I’m having a discussion with the friend love kid and he asks me about said crush and I totally gush over him. So he’s like why don’t you ask him out. Now I have countless reasons for not asking him out. One, if he said no it would be awkward because we work together. But what if he didn’t say no? That’s always the question. And I hate that question. I’m the type of person who rushes through a test just so I can get the answer. So… Here’s the testing and me shamelessly using the blog.

Can you hear me? You like my posts every week but do you actually read them? If you don’t know who you are, here’s a hint: I can’t glare at you or stand within a foot of you without wanting to kiss you which is why you always get pushed away.

If you can hear me and want to give it (me) a chance comment yes where I post this on FB.

If you can hear me and don’t… comment no.

If you can’t hear me… well then none of this matter :P

One And Only- Adele

On Love, In Love, With Love

Love seems an obvious topic this week.  It was Valentine's Day on Tuesday.  Biggest love day of the year!


And now it's over.  


The grocery stores are filled with carts of pink and red things at bargain prices.  Better go now so you can stock up on your heart-felt, glittery treasures for next year!


Okay wait...before you stop reading because you think this is going to be a V-Day hater post, it's not.  Far from it, actually.  I LOVE love, and I love celebrating it.  I think it's just my disgust of commercialized holidays eeking out.  Moving on....


I love Valentine's Day.  I've never been one of those bitter women who hate it because they don't have an "other" to call their own.  I've been single on all but 1 of the Valentine's Days I've been alive for, but I've never hated the holiday.  It had always just been a day to celebrate love in all it's many (MANY) forms.  But Valentine's Day came with a lot of firsts for me this year:

• First time I've ever had a "real" Valentine (unless you count that time in 4th grade where my orchestra buddy dropped a box of chocolates and a paper heart-shaped pouch stuffed with valentines on my porch and ran)
• First time (in my almost 27 years) that I've had a Valentine whom I absolutely adore 
• First time I had a message spelled out on the floor in chocolate-caramel kisses
• First time my Valentine has ever showed up at my place of employment wearing electric pink tights and a superhero cape (still laughing about that one)
• First time I've ever felt so much love for somebody.  Ever.  I never knew this was possible.  It catches me by surprise most everyday.

Love has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because there is so much of it.  I never knew my little heart could feel so much, and it's not just romantic love.  It's LOVE.  

I just love.  

Everything.  

I love the guy at Smith's that stocks the produce and always smiles

I love the cat outside my window that lurks in the bushes and chases birds

I love my plants

I love my coworkers

I love the sky

the mountains

my little leaf tattoo

the lady I bought a table from this week

my fellow bloggers

I just feel so much love.  And I was asking myself what the difference is.  Why, in the past couple of years, do I feel this way?  Why am I exploding with love for everything?  I've been in relationships before.  I've had "stability" and "acceptance" and, and, and....

I've concluded that there is one major difference lately (lately being the last 2 or so years, and there are a few differences I could point to, but this is a major one)...I LOVE ME!  I have finally learned to love myself just as I am.  Finally.  I don't have to be uber talented or stick skinny or loved by everyone or accepted by my family or independently wealthy or in a relationship.  I just have to be me.  And once I learned to love myself, it allowed me to shift my focus outward, to share the amazing amount of love I felt (and there is an amazing amount of it to be sure).  Self-love has made everything else brighter.  My relationships are sweeter.  My plants are greener.  My love is...reder....

I wish I could give you some magic answer for finding self-love, but it will be different for everyone.  It's part of your own unique journey. But I will say this: it's okay to be selfish.  You're not going to find self-love by focusing on something outside yourself.  Give yourself what you need (time, space, vacations, chocolate...).  Listen to yourself.  You best know your answers. 

Moral of the story:  The key to happiness is loving myself.  So you should all love myself, too.  Oh no wait....that's backwards. :)

Truly
It all comes down to love
Honestly
It all comes down to love

Undeniably
It all comes back to you
Sincerely
It all comes down to love

Unforgettably
It all comes back to you
It all comes down to love
It all comes back to you
It all comes down to love

-Janet Jackson

We Interrupt Your Regular Scheduled Programming to Flood Your Residence With Remnants of a Roman Fertility Festival. (Was this title long enough?)

I just got back from a fun night with my boyfriend. For Valentine's Day, I made him awesome food since I can't afford more than that, currently. He gave me a book on Old English culture and literature. Obviously he knows me too well, he must die...no. He gives great massages and is one of the silliest people I've ever met. He lives. Forever, forever with me. Yes, that sounds good.

It's coincidence that V-day would fall on my shoulders because I've never been that big a fan of it. I always feel like there's some huge expectations made by the other party (if you're in a relationship) and if you're not in one, you feel like the entire world is shouting into your ear as you were sleeping that morning, "HEY HEY HEY LONELY GUY, LIKE BEING LONELY? YEAH I LOVE DOING EVERYTHING I WANT WITH MY TRIBE OF SWINGERS AND THEN I CAN GO HOME TO MY HUSBAND AND MY WIFE WHO WILL GIVE ME ALL OF THE INTIMACY I WANT. HOPE THAT LONELINESS GOES WELL FOR YOU!"

The entire world reminds you that it's having an orgy of hand-holding, cuddling, hugging, sweet nothings and (potentially including but not limited to) orgies. Even the water you drink as you crawl out of bed has been through fish sex at some point, you hatefully mutter. School, work, church, you're blasted with tales of love and greetings of "Happy Valentine's Day!" By the time it's all over, you've cried at least once and all of those chocolates have entered the vast wormhole that is your mouth and stomach. (True story.)

I'm going to sum up all of my thoughts of this holiday in this picture.

Yes.

And if you feel lonely, don't be afraid to talk--just to reach out for an ear. I'm pretty sure that this holiday is not to celebrate the relationships that are, but also the ones to come.

I'll listen to the sound of your loneliness even if it feels like no one else will (not to say the other bloggers won't. I've been through a lot of V-days (vagina days?) and mundane days where getting someone to listen to me was like screaming at a stone wall and expecting an answer.)

Happy day of past, present, and future love,

-Amber

Turn It Off

A lot has been on my mind this week. Mostly because I wrote a blog post on my personal blog defending the repeal of Prop 8 and then posted it on my Facebook page. I know that might not seem like much of a stretch because I’m now contributing to this blog but it is a pretty big deal for me. Why? Because I am not out of the closet (I’m not out because I don’t know really how to define myself but that’s probably another post for another time).

Anyway, as I read the shit storm of comments on both my blog and my Facebook page, I started to feel the anger, frustration, sadness, and bitterness well up inside of me that I have tried to hide and reconcile since I was 14 years old. Reading all of these comments from “friends” telling me and whomever else decided to read or contribute that “faggots… are fucked up” and that they are contrary to God’s plan, unnatural, etc., really reminded me of the self-loathing that I have carried with me for nearly half my life.

Days later I am still fighting these feelings off and I am doing all I can to remember that I have worth; that I may be “fucked up” but it’s not because of who I’m attracted to. It’s hard and as I strive to love myself I am sure that I will continue to battle off these feelings of insecurity as I make every effort to accept who I am –all of me.

I guess the hardest part of that acceptance stems from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I realize I am preaching to the proverbial choir here but it is such an integral part of my being that I don’t know how to turn it off any better than I can turn off my sexuality.

I have taken breaks from the church but I always seem to find my way back into it. I graduated as my stake’s valedictorian from seminary, I gave two years of my life to the church as a missionary, and I graduated from its flagship university, BYU. Because I am so vested in the Church and because it has played such a huge part in my life, the insults that come from ignorant members bite harder and hurt more than anything else.

I know a member of the church who raped and molested his daughter only to be welcomed home from prison with open arms. This same pedophile that stood every Sunday and bore testimony to me about the importance of honoring my priesthood confessed to heinously defiling his daughter 3-5 times a week over a seven-year period. He went to jail for a year and half and then moved back into the ward boundaries. His wife welcomed him home and so did the ward and the stake. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been re-baptized and that his temple covenants have been restored. It literally makes me sick.

But, don’t worry, if I come out as gay or bisexual or whatever the hell I am, I will be excommunicated and considered fallen from grace.

I am getting angry, starting to ramble, and I need to end anyway. As I send you off into another week, I want to share one of my favorite songs that describes something I’m sure all of us can relate to. Thanks for all your strength and for your examples.

All my love,

MJ

Silence Has No Place In Love-Making

I thought I'd start off in a similar vein as I left on last week.
Sex. Intimacy. Love-making.

I found this cool post, which actually you should ignore because it's hella confusing. Go straight to the comics at the bottom because they make a lot more sense. http://campus.feministing.com/2010/10/27/on-the-critical-hotness-of-enthusiastic-consent/

I liked the idea of giving positive consent and it reminded me a little bit of when Addie and I started getting a bit more intimate. It seemed like we were both really quiet when things got more physical and we didn't ever say anything. This bothered both of us. But it's hard to talk about sexual things, so we kind of just let it slip through the sheets until one of us (and I really can't remember if it was me or her) mentioned something about it. We both agreed that we wanted more feedback. We wanted to know what worked, what felt good, what didn't feel good, what could we do better/different/more often???

Once we opened up a line of communication it felt a lot more comfortable to be close in almost every way. We both made an effort to say something as simple as "That felt really good, babe" if we liked it. Or, "Damn you're good at that." One of my favorite's that Addie is so awesome about is telling me that I'm beautiful. I love hearing her say that. She tells me a lot, and I still can't get enough of it.

Rybread wisdom: If you ever get that feeling in your gut telling you to speak up then do it. Especially if it's got to do with the one you love. Just say something. Say it. Your relationship can't go anywhere, can't get any better, can't flourish unless you actually talk about things. It's hard sometimes to bring up sensitive issues, but those are the ones that need to be talked about the most. (Just a note: I joined this blog because of the breaking the silence theme/idea. Probably most of my posts will be about communication in some way. It's that important.)

The Four Suites of Dupree

Clubs- I love going to clubs. Just dancing period! I went to a dance on the floor of the Marriott center last night… SO AWESOME! I hadn’t been going out much this semester and it was so nice to just free myself for an hour. I love dancing and I LOVE CLUBS! My club side is my fun-loving crazy side.

Spades- I get depressed. I’m in a really messed up place in my life right now. But I’m getting better. I can see my depressed/suicidal thoughts and look at them through a different perspective. Just this week I was so frustrated with the testing center I thought “I could just KILL myself right now I’m so angry… But I should probably take this test first.” I thought about that for a second and then started giggling. It’s SO SILLY! What’s a test when thinking about taking my life? I was able to step back, laugh, and finish my test and have an okay day. My spade side of my life is the one I’m just starting to accept. I can have bad thoughts… as long as I realize what they are and let them go instead of piling them up and obsessing over them.

Diamonds- I think of perfection when I think of diamonds. Perfection is something you hear a lot about in the Church. I’ll be talking to my mother and she’ll hear that a person in the Church made a mistake and she’ll be like “well that’s hypocritical”. I don’t get it? I’m not perfect… Does that make me a hypocrite? I think we are should be striving for perfection but I know there is no way I am going to get there. Especially not by myself. My diamond side is my LDS side.

Hearts- Hearts=love! Love just reminds me of my work. I LOVE MY JOB! And as embarrassing as it may be, it’s the only place I feel really loved. My bosses appreciate me and my co-workers seem to genuinely like me. While living with a roommate who used to be my best friend (we’re trying to patch things but it’s just awkward sometimes) and not talking to anyone in class and not having a lot of friends I hang with, it can get pretty lonely. But when I work I feel like I’m part of a team, a family. My heart side is my loving and being loved side.

Hear Me- Imagine Dragons

I LOVE THEM... now. I'm kind of a music slut. But I got my tickets for their concert in March so that's a lil commitment right?

Keep Out!

"Never, and I mean never, allow anyone else's ideas

of who you can or can't become sully your dream or pollute your imagination.

This is your territory, and a KEEP OUT sign is a great thing to erect at all entrances to your imagination."

-Wayne Dyer

When I was a kid, I built forts.  Lots of forts. I had forts in the backyard and in the field made from wood and nails that I borrowed from the construction sites nearby. I had forts in my bedroom made from blankets and pillows. I had forts that I made by digging deep, deep holes in the ground, covering them with thatch and weeds. I had forts that came pre-made, such as the tunnel created by the way my mom and dad's huge waterbed met up against the wall. I played in multi-level forts that my cousin built in trees near his house. I built forts on the roof with the back of the basketball hoop as one wall and the angle of the roof another. Forts were a VERY important part of my kid-hood.

Perhaps it was a result of my avid reading of “Calvin and Hobbes” that taught me to put “Keep Out!” and “Do Not Enter!” signs up. Perhaps it was just my need for a space of my own, but my forts were mine. They were MY happy places. Mine alone. My forts were the places I could be safe; the places I could be 100% me. No expectations. No rules. No anything...except what I allowed in. They were places I could go and just be, places I could let my imagination out to play. I had a very physical boundary that separated me from everything else and allowed me a space. The universe and everything in it were mine when I was inside my fort.

When I went to college I lost that. I forgot how to give myself space, how to create boundaries.   I forgot how to use my imagination.  And looking back I think my lack of me-space, my lack of free imagination, is a big reason I went so crazy, why I was so depressed.  Why I felt so suffocated. The hardest of hards is a lot more manageable when you have a safe space, a sacred space, within which to experience it all.

Eventually I learned to go to the mountains. That became my new me space, but there are lots of options. Go to the bathroom (my mom would often go here to read because it was the only place to get away from the kids). Go to the park. Go to the library or the coffee shop. Find a place that's yours. Find a place where you are allowed to be you, 100%. 

But as I've finished school and once again started building my own spaces I've realized something. Safe spaces don't necessarily have to be physical. Sometimes that isn't a possibility. Sometimes you live with messy roommates or have obnoxious neighbors. Whatever the case may be, it is possible to find that happy, safe, sacred space inside yourself. Let your imagination be your happy place. Let it be the place where nobody else's opinion matters one damn bit.  And don't buy into the idea that imagination is just for kids. Allowing my imagination a space has proven to be more important in my adult-hood than I ever thought.  We seem to believe that using one's imagination is for kids and that we grow out of the need for it.  Not so!

I've been really lucky of late to have happy physical places to reside.  Both with people and without.  I've even been learning how to build a happy place while living with other people...something I was never able to do before (perhaps this will be a topic for a future post).  Still, my imagination remains a beautiful space with a big KEEP OUT sign on it.  It's still my sacred me-space.  

But this is just my experience. Do you guys have happy, safe, sacred spaces, whether physical or not?

PS I still build forts. 
Just sayin'.

The Journey Through...What?

You met me at a very strange time in my life. 

(Narrator -- Fight Club)

I actually have yet to see Fight Club (big, big shame on me.) I used to tell lovers that it was a strange time in my life to somehow console them over all of the weird things I was going through at the time. I had been trying for years and years to adjust my life to something that was more traditional, more conservative. My parents had told me time and time again that if I was going to be happy, I would put away the things I considered fun and freeing (anime, conventions, protests, helping with non-profit organizations.) I would become more of a Mormon socialite and disassociate myself from those people I considered my friends. 

In that November of 2008, I decided to live as honestly as I could, as authentically as I could, a lifestyle that Jo and MJ have discussed in the comments of the blog-post just below this one. That involved a lot of changes, and a lot of spiritual experiences that I did not expect. My parents weren't happy with me, but I was finally happy with myself.  

Over the last month, I've tried seeing how much I could bring my life back into line with what I wanted to find in that dismal yet pivotal November. I was able to get myself out of Utah for a while. In fact, I went to a place called Altun Ha: 

It was a vast place of mounds, old temples, and endless forests. It was about 60 minutes north of Belize City, if I remember correctly.

Everything there held a sense of ancient majesty, even the allspice tree on that shapely hill.

A good adventure can screw your head back on right, and I was lucky enough to get to go on a Central American cruise with my family. We had a lot of fun and it was great to connect with my aunt, whom I've never really gotten to know over the years.

I talked with my boyfriend about a lot of things that I had been holding back, consciously and unconsciously. It was hard, but our relationship is the better because of it. I have found a place for spiritual growth that I highly recommend and enjoy. I love the people, the rituals, the practices, and the food there. It's very welcoming and assuring of God's love, which is something I've rarely felt in LDS services. I would say which place, but Utah is not often kind to those who don't fit into a very particular enclave, let alone religion.


Religiously and romantically, I've realigned myself and rediscovered my drive for life, that fanged, slavering thing that drags this mind and body onward. It's as if you tied a wheelchair to the back of a jeep with a ten foot rope, and placed a retired NASCAR driver-turned-cocaine addict in the driver's seat, and a severely ADHD hippie dying to go to Burning Man in the passenger seat. If you open the engine, you'll find a nuclear bomb made from the scraps of a desire to become an anthropology professor. 


Want to sit in that wheelchair? Come on, it'll be fun. You don't know where you'll be in ten minutes, let alone six months, but it's quite a ride.

Part of this realignment and refreshing of who I am also has let me come to terms with the fact that I don't really fit a stereotype of bisexual, nor do I like most of the things that lesbians/other bisexuals like. (L Word? They're all so pretty and there is enough sex going on to put Utah's Men-Looking-For-Men Craigslist page to shame. Ladies, just stay away from the Women-Looking-For-Women page, it's sad and most of the people there are just straight couples looking for threesomes. I don't mean to offend those that are into that, but that's not for me. Tegan and Sara? It's not hard to compose their music. It's about all sorts of lady-loving, which is fine by me, but goodness, does anyone know of funk LGBT bands? That takes quite some talent to create, IMO.)

^ (media snob that's been over this twice already, but is finally accepting it for herself) ^

I also realized that in my many attempts to keep my life pure in the sense that it is pure to who I am, I found that a few friendships that I broke off in 2008 would be a good idea to reinvest in. Many of those people that I have told "You met me at a very strange time in my life," have gone away in one way or another. It's time to water old gardens of friendship. There are three particular people that I am looking to reconnect with, and I hope they don't hate me for some of the things I've done. Some of the things I did, pushing a few of them away were wrought with the excuse of "I'm at a really strange time in my life," and yet, that time is never going to end. Ever. Normality is a nebulous mist that can't be held by any one person, but it seen by all, distorting everyone's view of each other.  

Anyhow, while I'm in the doldrums of unemployment and dying to get work, I am keeping myself sane and journeying through the continuous liminality that is life.

How're y'all doing at it?

-Amber

Dreaming For More

I love watching movies and television shows. All of them. Okay, maybe not all of them. I hate scary movies (a la The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Devil Inside, etc.) and some “B” films can get pretty ugly, too. But, as a general rule, I love watching almost anything; they let me escape from the monotony that can overtake my day-to-day life and give me an opportunity to live vicariously through the characters on screen. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to be Eric on True Blood, Lip on Shameless, or Scrooge McDuck (there’s a theme here – gorgeous, brilliant, and incredibly wealthy…)?

Anyway, I’ve watched two films recently with character dialogue that really resonated with me. In the sci-fi thriller Inception, Eames, played by Tom Hardy (another favorite of mine), tells Joseph Gordon Leavitt’s character, Arthur, “You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.”

Similarly, in the drama “The Kids are Alright,” Julianne Moore’s character, Jules, announces to her new client, “I am of the belief that more is more.”

Incredible, right? I thought so too.

As children we are admonished to reach for the stars. We are encouraged to be anything we want to be, that the sky is truly the limit. Then, somehow, we “grow up.” Reality sets in and we are given adult expectations and we forget how to dream. We are convinced we must settle for what we have and not strive for what we want. It’s sad, really.

So, blog buddies, I am recommitting and I am putting you under oath (and covenant) to throw off the shackles of adulthood and DREAM BIG! More IS more, my friends. Don’t lose your vision of who you want to be and what you want out of this life. I seem to forget on a daily basis but I am going to do better. I hope you do too.

What are some of your “big dreams?” If you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine…

Happy Monday!

All my love,

MJ

Strip Poker

One freezing winter day after a stroll around the duck pond, Addie and I sat trying to figure out what we could do for the rest of the day. I threw out a bunch of ridiculous ideas, and then said "Le'ts play strip poker!" I don't know how to play poker. Neither does Addie. But we do know how to play Go Fish. And Monopoly. And Scrabble. We came up with some simple rules for our own games and changed the names of a few of them. One of our favorites is Go Strip. We vary on the rules for this one, but tend to go with the one that if the other person gets a set of 4 then you have to take off an article of clothing. Or for Stripple (scrabble) the other person has to take off a piece of clothing if you get a word longer than 3 letters, and they have to take off 2 things if you make a really good word--like fuck, zebra, or wanderlust. Basically it makes getting naked a fun process (not that it isn't already), and it really spices up board games and card games that can get pretty old and boring sometimes. It almost always turns into a giggle fest for me and Addie, which is why I love it so much.

Intimacy is meant to be enjoyable and to bring two people close to each other in a very important and unique type of relationship. I learned this from my parents. However, it seems a lot of people have very different ideas about intimacy--such as the way that Addie's family approached it (basically that sex is meant for baby-making and that hugs and kisses aren't appropriate anywhere anytime). Building a relationship with Addie has been a scary process for both of us and we've had to re-adjust to each other and learn to speak each other's language, but we've found that an important aspect of our relationship is keeping intimacy fun--whether that means playing Go Strip, or having tickle wars, or pretending we're strangers who just met in a bar... I don't have a lot of time to get more in-depth with what I wanted to say, so I'll leave you with some

Rybread Wisdom: PLAY. loosen up, have fun, and maybe play a game of strip poker (or whatever your favorite game is). sex/nakedness/intimacy does not have to (and NEVER should) be serious/obligatory/painful.

THE PRIZE GIVEAWAY!!!!!

For all of you who know about the "I'm okay if you're gay" t-shirts, well, they're here. And they're gorgeous, if I do say so myself.

Designed by your very own Thursday blogger, Jo, here's a sneak preview of da da da daaaaaaaa!!!!!

the PRIZE GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!!

This is the front:

And here's the back:

So, if you weren't already motivated to win the prize giveaway, I hope you are now. Here's a reminder of what you can do to get points:

1pt for blogging about the blog

1pt for tweeting about the blog

1pt for face booking about the blog

2pt for writing a legitimate comment on a blog post from either last week or this week

5pt for a referral who mentions your name in a comment on any post saying you referred them to the blog

Where Do I Have To Go To Find A Honey With Lil Soul

You ever wonder what you are doing with your life? I am. Right now.

I went and saw the Shrink this morning. Love that guy. He’s helping me so much. Today we talked about how I almost went through with my thoughts last Saturday. Let me tell you this, it was freaking terrifying. I thought I was going to lose my mind and take my life. But I didn’t. The next day I finally broke down and admitted that I needed help… a lot of it. Called a friend, started talking to my roommate again, told my mother. People had different reactions. One friend told me to hop on a plane and come back to Portland. Another told me to talk to God. My mother was pretty upset. But I finally admitted that there was something wrong and it made me realize that there wasn’t something wrong with me, there was something wrong with my brain. I kept being ashamed for having these thoughts which in turn added to the thoughts. But now I’m just like whatever, let’s get help. It’s nice. I feel like I’m finally in control of my situation.

But today he asked what I wanted to do with my life. The generic answer is finish BYU, go to PSU and get my graduate and finish off my days in Portland helping addicts. But then I told him what I really wanted. I want to runaway to a beach in Italy, and work at little family restaurant and just live this simple life without my demons from my past following me. And it occurred to me that I could have that. I could finish my undergrad work and just leave the US. Why not?

So challenge of the week. What do you really want to do with your life? And if you’re not doing it, well why not?

Song Of The Week:

Tokyo- Imagine Dragons

A friend played this in his car the other day and I kinda fell in love (with the song, not him). It’s not somewhere in Italy but it still makes me want to get up and dance. So awesome!

And BTW I love you guys! I’m really happy I’m a part of this blog and have a place to talk about this stuff.

How Free I Am

I've had the lyrics to "Changer" by Anais Mitchell rolling around in my head all week.  This has long been one of my favorite songs because of it's heartbreaking lyrics, the beautiful melody (particularly during the bridge) and the simple instrumentation, but these words have been sticking out:

And out in the waking world
Nobody understands
Exactly how light it is
Exactly how free I am

One of the most heartbreaking things about my coming out (both as gay and as, well....myself) has been the distance that has come between me and my family.  They're not particularly fond of the gay thing, and who can blame them really?  It goes against their entire belief system.  I know they still love me in their way, but of the ones that know, only one of them treats me like a regular human being and doesn't have a problem talking about it with me.  That, to me, says leaps and bounds.  I don't know that he agrees or disagrees, but he hasn't let our differences in belief create some giant chasm in our relationship.  We can talk about being gay right next to a conversation about dinner or our crazy aunt.  He accepts that it is a part of my life and has made me feel like it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not, but that he'll love me anyway.  I have appreciated the way he has approached it and am so grateful to him for that.

That said,  I have also come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have my family's approval; that this will never be an easy topic.  And I don't need their permission or their acceptance to be happy, even if it breaks my heart that I'll never be able to bring the one I love to a family event, act totally normal, and have it be okay.  Truly, though, in spite of it all, I am happier than I have ever been.  Ever.  And going back to the song lyrics, "nobody understands exactly how light it is, exactly how free I am."  I don't feel like they do.  I often feel like they are all too busy mourning the fact that I didn't turn out how they had hoped, that they really can't see how much happier I am now that I am following my own heart.  They can't see how light it is, how free I am.  But there are those who do.  And above all, I know the difference.  I can feel the difference.

And that is enough.