A lot has been on my mind this week. Mostly because I wrote a blog post on my personal blog defending the repeal of Prop 8 and then posted it on my Facebook page. I know that might not seem like much of a stretch because I’m now contributing to this blog but it is a pretty big deal for me. Why? Because I am not out of the closet (I’m not out because I don’t know really how to define myself but that’s probably another post for another time).
Anyway, as I read the shit storm of comments on both my blog and my Facebook page, I started to feel the anger, frustration, sadness, and bitterness well up inside of me that I have tried to hide and reconcile since I was 14 years old. Reading all of these comments from “friends” telling me and whomever else decided to read or contribute that “faggots… are fucked up” and that they are contrary to God’s plan, unnatural, etc., really reminded me of the self-loathing that I have carried with me for nearly half my life.
Days later I am still fighting these feelings off and I am doing all I can to remember that I have worth; that I may be “fucked up” but it’s not because of who I’m attracted to. It’s hard and as I strive to love myself I am sure that I will continue to battle off these feelings of insecurity as I make every effort to accept who I am –all of me.
I guess the hardest part of that acceptance stems from my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I realize I am preaching to the proverbial choir here but it is such an integral part of my being that I don’t know how to turn it off any better than I can turn off my sexuality.
I have taken breaks from the church but I always seem to find my way back into it. I graduated as my stake’s valedictorian from seminary, I gave two years of my life to the church as a missionary, and I graduated from its flagship university, BYU. Because I am so vested in the Church and because it has played such a huge part in my life, the insults that come from ignorant members bite harder and hurt more than anything else.
I know a member of the church who raped and molested his daughter only to be welcomed home from prison with open arms. This same pedophile that stood every Sunday and bore testimony to me about the importance of honoring my priesthood confessed to heinously defiling his daughter 3-5 times a week over a seven-year period. He went to jail for a year and half and then moved back into the ward boundaries. His wife welcomed him home and so did the ward and the stake. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been re-baptized and that his temple covenants have been restored. It literally makes me sick.
But, don’t worry, if I come out as gay or bisexual or whatever the hell I am, I will be excommunicated and considered fallen from grace.
I am getting angry, starting to ramble, and I need to end anyway. As I send you off into another week, I want to share one of my favorite songs that describes something I’m sure all of us can relate to. Thanks for all your strength and for your examples.
All my love,