Friday, February 3, 2012

Where Do I Have To Go To Find A Honey With Lil Soul

You ever wonder what you are doing with your life? I am. Right now.

I went and saw the Shrink this morning. Love that guy. He’s helping me so much. Today we talked about how I almost went through with my thoughts last Saturday. Let me tell you this, it was freaking terrifying. I thought I was going to lose my mind and take my life. But I didn’t. The next day I finally broke down and admitted that I needed help… a lot of it. Called a friend, started talking to my roommate again, told my mother. People had different reactions. One friend told me to hop on a plane and come back to Portland. Another told me to talk to God. My mother was pretty upset. But I finally admitted that there was something wrong and it made me realize that there wasn’t something wrong with me, there was something wrong with my brain. I kept being ashamed for having these thoughts which in turn added to the thoughts. But now I’m just like whatever, let’s get help. It’s nice. I feel like I’m finally in control of my situation.

But today he asked what I wanted to do with my life. The generic answer is finish BYU, go to PSU and get my graduate and finish off my days in Portland helping addicts. But then I told him what I really wanted. I want to runaway to a beach in Italy, and work at little family restaurant and just live this simple life without my demons from my past following me. And it occurred to me that I could have that. I could finish my undergrad work and just leave the US. Why not?

So challenge of the week. What do you really want to do with your life? And if you’re not doing it, well why not?

Song Of The Week:

Tokyo- Imagine Dragons

A friend played this in his car the other day and I kinda fell in love (with the song, not him). It’s not somewhere in Italy but it still makes me want to get up and dance. So awesome!

And BTW I love you guys! I’m really happy I’m a part of this blog and have a place to talk about this stuff.


  1. So glad you hung on. I had a similar experience about a decade ago. Glad I got help. Glad you are, too! Good luck. And thanks for sharing the music.

  2. It's funny how sometimes the worst moment ever can actually help you... I've had that experience too. And I'm glad that everything's looking up, girl! By the way, this song + the dancing = the best thing ever. I'm in love too. :-) Thanks so much for posting that! Also, I'm really glad that you're deciding to go for the things you really want. Wahoo for dreams!

  3. I'm convinced it's OK to run away. Leave the country, or whatever. There are some of us that just don't fit in the box that society has planned out for us. Although I'm now sitting somewhat comfortably in that box, there was a good 20 years that I didn't. I didn't go out of the country, but I did get out of traditional society, traditional mormon culture. Had I not taken that step, which at the time scared me plenty, I wouldn't be around right now.

  4. I get stepping out of traditional mormon culture. It's not even that I don't believe the Church is true, it's simply I don't want to live with my life with so many constraints to the point where I constantly watching my back wondering if I'm doing something wrong. I just want to live. To do it freely and to do it for me.