Friday, December 9, 2011

Honesty Is Honestly the Hardest Thing For Me Right Now

Disclaimer: This is highly religious and highly sexual, therefore making it highly personal. If you have a problem with any of the three, I am warning you so you can turn back now. If you want keep reading, please do. I would love for you to hear my story. If you like it, leave me some love; I definitely need it. If you don’t, leave me some hate. I’ll understand, even if you don’t.

I dislike lying. I feel like people should just tell the truth always and be honest about their feelings, because otherwise what is the point of even creating relationships? I’m a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to everyone for so long I barely even know who I am, and I’ve decided to come clean.

I’m a pansexual. Cool term right? I was way happy when I heard it, finally something that completely described me. According to Wikipedia, a pansexual is someone who is gender blind, someone who doesn’t notice another’s gender. One girl described it as “all pansexuals are bisexual but not all bisexuals are pansexual.” To me it means being attracted to a person’s personality. My friends used to joke about how I had crushes on the “not-hot” guys but that was because I just could look past a douche bag attitude even if the guy was hot. Sure, I’ll drool over Taylor Lautner all day but it’s superficial. I’m a substance over style kind of gal. But that also means I don’t care what parts you have. So yea . . . I’ve been attracted to women. A few actually. And here’s the kicker. I’m a Mormon.

Yep, I’m a Mormon. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was baptized about three years ago. It’s been a rough ride. Lots of times I turned my back on the Church and said I wanted to live my own life. Why? Because I liked girls. Because I liked coffee. Because I like a list of things that just aren’t in harmony with the Church. And I was too confused to make myself in harmony with the Church. I thought Christ and God didn’t love me, couldn’t love me. That made total sense to me because I didn’t love me, didn’t accept me. I still have problems loving myself. But then something amazing happened. I won’t share all the details, but I knew God loved me and was paying attention to me. It was amazing. But I didn’t get it. I sinned. I liked girls. I damaged my temple; chemically, emotionally and physically. I’ve drank. I’ve cursed. I’ve blasphemed. Drank, cursed, and blasphemed all on a SUNDAY! But in that moment I knew God loved (and forgave) me, and even saw part of the plan He had for me.

I would love everyone. To me there isn’t hetero or homo; we’re just people who deserve love. Need love. I need love, you need love. We need to love ourselves.

So that’s all my two cents for the week. God loves us all, I love you all. I still dream of a temple marriage and to raise my children in the Church with an open mind to all people. And accept the fact that I can be attracted to women. . . It’s not the end of the world. I just hope we all realize that no matter what, it’s never the end of the world. So many times I thought about taking my own life because I hated feeling so out of place. I didn’t because I was terrified to meet God and deal with that shame. I still don’t exactly have a place, in a way I have two. My LGBT life and BYU/LDS life, both living in harmony.

And now you all know. I hope you’ll understand that this has always been who I am. And also that ‘coming out’ is a terrifying yet liberating process. Only four of my friends and one member of my family know I’m a pansexual. My very close people who have shown me support and love. But I want my other friends to know and more importantly I want the rest of my family to know. And I didn’t know how else to tell you. So yea. . . I hope you all still love me after this. Because no matter what I’ll still love you.


Another disclaimer because I know my family will be wondering :)

BYU Honor Code:

Homosexual Behavior

Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or attraction and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.

One's stated same-gender attraction is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity. Homosexual behavior is inappropriate and violates the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings.

And on a happier note the Song of the WEEK!!

What else could I do besides Glee’s version of I kissed A Girl. Santana was forced out of the closet and I didn’t want to put myself in that position, so I decided to come out on my own terms. Plus I have a HUGE crush on her and now I can say it without fear :) <3

Glee- I Kissed a Girl

And number two! I hinted at it in the title. I heard this song in the gas station the other day and I thought that that line was perfect. I haven’t been able to be honest in so long. But past are the days of hiding.

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it.
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads.
And we don't believe it.
Tryin' to be perfect
Tryin' not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now...

Kris Allen- The Truth


  1. I learned a lot from reading your post. Thank you. I had heard the term pansexual before but did not know what it meant and now I do. I believe my former therapist would be described as pansexual. She told me she fell in love with people for who they were, not for which gender. She also self identifies as gay but perhaps pansexual is the more accurate depiction.

    Happy day!

  2. I didn't know what "pansexual" meant either, but now I do. Thanks. It's cool you're able to share you're story, and I hope that this will be a positive experience for you.

  3. In my experience, honesty and love go hand in hand. They're practically best friends. But that doesn't mean honesty is easy. I appreciate the honesty in this post, and I'm sending lots of love your way, Dupree. Lots. :)

  4. Thank you guys! I really appreciate it :)

  5. I've wondered if I am pansexual or bisexual. I've had crushes on all ranges of gender, so I suppose I could be called one. For most people, I usually explain that I'm bisexual and then describe it in a way that would sound more pansexual. However, when I've said pansexual, I usually get the response of "So you like everything, including goats?"

    Thus, I call myself bisexual and most people waddle on in their muddled, befuddled worlds.

    We're not most people, though. :)

    Thank you for sharing this. I need to write on my opinion of being LDS and LGBTQ. I have nothing but love for people who choose both. While nice on paper, I find it impossible in practice.

  6. Dupree, I thought I commented on your post and then I realized that I actually only commented in that email. But, I'd like to say that you are brave. Honesty is hard, but you'll find that it's absolutely wonderful.

    You're teaching me a lot, and I love it. That's exactly what the blog is for--break the silence, spread the word, teach us ignorant folks a few things. Thanks.

    Also, don't forget that no matter what, you've always got people who love you exactly how you are, including every choice you make.

    lots of love from me! :)

  7. Dupree,
    Thank you for taking the time to share your self with your family and the world. We are all better for having read your story. I hope others that may be unsure of themselves see your bravery and find the courage to be themselves. We are all beautiful exactly the way god made us.
    Love, Mom

  8. Thank you for being brave, and honest. I have a very close friend who is currently trying to understand her sexuality, and from your description I think she may be pansexual as well. Your courage in posting this may help her feel like she's not so alone. I hope you have tons of support and love from your family and friends, and that they can understand that you are still the same person they've always loved. If they struggle with it, maybe they will eventually find their way to more understanding.