Disclaimer: This is highly religious and highly sexual, therefore making it highly personal. If you have a problem with any of the three, I am warning you so you can turn back now. If you want keep reading, please do. I would love for you to hear my story. If you like it, leave me some love; I definitely need it. If you don’t, leave me some hate. I’ll understand, even if you don’t.
I dislike lying. I feel like people should just tell the truth always and be honest about their feelings, because otherwise what is the point of even creating relationships? I’m a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to everyone for so long I barely even know who I am, and I’ve decided to come clean.
I’m a pansexual. Cool term right? I was way happy when I heard it, finally something that completely described me. According to Wikipedia, a pansexual is someone who is gender blind, someone who doesn’t notice another’s gender. One girl described it as “all pansexuals are bisexual but not all bisexuals are pansexual.” To me it means being attracted to a person’s personality. My friends used to joke about how I had crushes on the “not-hot” guys but that was because I just could look past a douche bag attitude even if the guy was hot. Sure, I’ll drool over Taylor Lautner all day but it’s superficial. I’m a substance over style kind of gal. But that also means I don’t care what parts you have. So yea . . . I’ve been attracted to women. A few actually. And here’s the kicker. I’m a Mormon.
Yep, I’m a Mormon. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was baptized about three years ago. It’s been a rough ride. Lots of times I turned my back on the Church and said I wanted to live my own life. Why? Because I liked girls. Because I liked coffee. Because I like a list of things that just aren’t in harmony with the Church. And I was too confused to make myself in harmony with the Church. I thought Christ and God didn’t love me, couldn’t love me. That made total sense to me because I didn’t love me, didn’t accept me. I still have problems loving myself. But then something amazing happened. I won’t share all the details, but I knew God loved me and was paying attention to me. It was amazing. But I didn’t get it. I sinned. I liked girls. I damaged my temple; chemically, emotionally and physically. I’ve drank. I’ve cursed. I’ve blasphemed. Drank, cursed, and blasphemed all on a SUNDAY! But in that moment I knew God loved (and forgave) me, and even saw part of the plan He had for me.
I would love everyone. To me there isn’t hetero or homo; we’re just people who deserve love. Need love. I need love, you need love. We need to love ourselves.
So that’s all my two cents for the week. God loves us all, I love you all. I still dream of a temple marriage and to raise my children in the Church with an open mind to all people. And accept the fact that I can be attracted to women. . . It’s not the end of the world. I just hope we all realize that no matter what, it’s never the end of the world. So many times I thought about taking my own life because I hated feeling so out of place. I didn’t because I was terrified to meet God and deal with that shame. I still don’t exactly have a place, in a way I have two. My LGBT life and BYU/LDS life, both living in harmony.
And now you all know. I hope you’ll understand that this has always been who I am. And also that ‘coming out’ is a terrifying yet liberating process. Only four of my friends and one member of my family know I’m a pansexual. My very close people who have shown me support and love. But I want my other friends to know and more importantly I want the rest of my family to know. And I didn’t know how else to tell you. So yea. . . I hope you all still love me after this. Because no matter what I’ll still love you.
Another disclaimer because I know my family will be wondering :)
BYU Honor Code:
Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or attraction and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.
One's stated same-gender attraction is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity. Homosexual behavior is inappropriate and violates the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings.
And on a happier note the Song of the WEEK!!
What else could I do besides Glee’s version of I kissed A Girl. Santana was forced out of the closet and I didn’t want to put myself in that position, so I decided to come out on my own terms. Plus I have a HUGE crush on her and now I can say it without fear :) <3
Glee- I Kissed a Girl
And number two! I hinted at it in the title. I heard this song in the gas station the other day and I thought that that line was perfect. I haven’t been able to be honest in so long. But past are the days of hiding.
Kris Allen- The Truth