Monday, December 19, 2011

Someone is in Mexico City

I have a younger brother who is on an LDS mission.  Of all the people in my immediate family, I have the hardest time with him.  He is.... "benevolent" in his prejudice and pitying in his charity.  He is very misogynistic, and preachy.  We are both arrogant and stubborn, which doesn't help any.  He immensely disapproves of my transition, although he is very ignorant of the entire issue.  My little brother likes the person I'm with, and can see that she makes me very happy, but insists that I'm in for the shittiest experience of my life because of my "lesbianism", ex-Mormonism, atheism, and transition.  He has been barely supportive of me since I came out as a lesbian, and has been very sparing in supporting me when other family members harass me.  He holds grudges like no one else I know: every year, I get an ear-full about how I stopped playing with him and started playing with other friends when I was nine.

We don't get along.

This is also the brother that I grew up with, traded toys with, played games with.  He is only two years younger than me, and the youngest in the family.  We're closest in age and... I don't know, we grew up together, and that meant something.

And now he is on his mission and writes home about the drunks he made fun of, or the foolish investigator who wouldn't accept this as an answer:  "If you pray, and feel good, it means it is true.  If you feel bad, it means you prayed incorrectly."  Or about how Obama says Christ was not the Savior and Obama is wrong!

I am tired of our relationship always coming back to this:  An integral part of my Self is about being trans and being attracted to women.  He is embarrassed, disgusted, and pitying of this.  He is unwilling to educate himself.  So, I am not satisfied, and he is "not satisfied".

Christmas is here, and I wrote him a letter... measly at best because I can't think of anything to say except that I hope he will have a good Christmas.  It is really important to my parents for us to get along.  It makes them happy, and that makes me happy, and they can't for the life of them and all their effort, understand why in some ways, I don't like him.  We all have negative and positive parts of our personality, but it seems like most of his negative personality aspects seem to coincide perfectly with a type of personality I don't want in my life.  Not that I'm breaking off our relationship--- we will continue to have our superficial relationship.  At one point, I told him that he wouldn't have as close a relationship with me as other people who I may consider family.  Perhaps I should be more benevolent, but I can say now that I do not want to make much of an effort to be close with someone who cannot respect me as myself, a man and a person attracted to women.

1 comment:

  1. What a great character description: He is benevolent in his prejudice and pitying in his charity.

    Sorry you have a bad relationship with your brother. :(