I've mentioned before that I've been through some sexual abuse in my life. It's a very painful subject to talk about, and after my grandmother's recent death, I figured that I should be writing about more light-hearted things.
One of my abusers tried calling me today, after telling him twice two months ago that he needed to leave me alone and that I wanted no contact. Since then, he has tried texting and calling me, but at first, he only did so within the first two weeks, and then once two weeks after that. It's been two months, and he tried calling me tonight.
I've had a swirling pit of nausea in my stomach since the beginning of this evening.
Girls-on-girls is a common trend in porn and in media--two girls kissing and loving upon each other in order to get attention from men. Love between two women being exploited for a male voyeur's pleasure disgusts me to where nausea is creeping up my throat as I write. Before someone suggests the other side of the matter, I can also see how a woman could also exploit that love and how love between two men could be exploited by the pleasure of a female voyeur/porn-viewer. However, the former is displayed more common than the latter in American media and culture.
After my experience with this individual, I do feel that porn is harmful to a person's well-being and psyche. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, since this is a blog oft read by Mormon individuals. I wasn't as convinced beforehand. Granted, this was a case where the individual had been undergoing such hardcore porn for so long, I believe he's past seeing most women as more as servants and tools to his own ends.
There are horrific questions that everyone that goes through sexual abuse considers at some point: Do I deserve it? Do I deserve the pain I went through and am going through?
No. No one does. No one ever deserves being given the choice between sexual abuse and whatever threats an abuser may make.
Why did God let this happen to me?
This is a question that each person needs to figure out for themselves. In my case, I believe that each sentient creature's free will needs to be respected. On the other hand, I also haven't exactly been on the best terms with God throughout my life.
After my experiences, I would beg anyone reading this blog that has been through sexual abuse to get psychological help. There are LGBT psychologists that can help you if you identify as LGBT, and you never deserve to have your love twisted into a fetish meant to grab the attention of those who you have no interest in. You deserve all of the real love that you desire, and all of the relief that you can imagine. Two straight girls making out in a club to get the attention of guys is not the love you share with your girlfriend, or the love you wish to have with that girl you've quietly loved for years, but never acted in out of respect to her.
In the meanwhile, I'm getting a restraining order on this guy.