Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Sexual Abuse

I've mentioned before that I've been through some sexual abuse in my life. It's a very painful subject to talk about, and after my grandmother's recent death, I figured that I should be writing about more light-hearted things.

One of my abusers tried calling me today, after telling him twice two months ago that he needed to leave me alone and that I wanted no contact. Since then, he has tried texting and calling me, but at first, he only did so within the first two weeks, and then once two weeks after that. It's been two months, and he tried calling me tonight.

I've had a swirling pit of nausea in my stomach since the beginning of this evening.

Girls-on-girls is a common trend in porn and in media--two girls kissing and loving upon each other in order to get attention from men. Love between two women being exploited for a male voyeur's pleasure disgusts me to where nausea is creeping up my throat as I write. Before someone suggests the other side of the matter, I can also see how a woman could also exploit that love and how love between two men could be exploited by the pleasure of a female voyeur/porn-viewer. However, the former is displayed more common than the latter in American media and culture.

After my experience with this individual, I do feel that porn is harmful to a person's well-being and psyche. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, since this is a blog oft read by Mormon individuals. I wasn't as convinced beforehand. Granted, this was a case where the individual had been undergoing such hardcore porn for so long, I believe he's past seeing most women as more as servants and tools to his own ends.

There are horrific questions that everyone that goes through sexual abuse considers at some point: Do I deserve it? Do I deserve the pain I went through and am going through?

No. No one does. No one ever deserves being given the choice between sexual abuse and whatever threats an abuser may make. 

Why did God let this happen to me?

This is a question that each person needs to figure out for themselves. In my case, I believe that each sentient creature's free will needs to be respected. On the other hand, I also haven't exactly been on the best terms with God throughout my life.

After my experiences, I would beg anyone reading this blog that has been through sexual abuse to get psychological help. There are LGBT psychologists that can help you if you identify as LGBT, and you never deserve to have your love twisted into a fetish meant to grab the attention of those who you have no interest in. You deserve all of the real love that you desire, and all of the relief that you can imagine. Two straight girls making out in a club to get the attention of guys is not the love you share with your girlfriend, or the love you wish to have with that girl you've quietly loved for years, but never acted in out of respect to her.

In the meanwhile, I'm getting a restraining order on this guy.



  1. Thank you for this.

    And yes, definitely get a restraining order.

  2. Yeah, good for you pursuing the restraining order. I'm sorry you have to go through this and wish you the best!

    I agree about the disgustingness of the "girls-ono-girls" trend you mention. Interestingly enough in light of your comment about women using romance between men, they do. Women are far and away the majority consumers of "m/m" *literature*, i.e. gay (or maybe not "gay" because often--apparently--they're not directed at a gay audience, necessarily) romance novels. Interesting how the different sexes approach pornography and the visual versus the emotional bent that seems to dominate on either side.

    It's kind of tangential, but I was just reading something about this kind of literature, oddly enough, otherwise I probably wouldn't have commented.

  3. WOW WOW WOW> I never know quite what to say about this sort of thing, having experienced various forms of sexual abuse myself...
    have you had some kind of therapist or anything, Amber? And you think it helped? Do you know anything about how one might find a good one? Or know where to look for those that are LGBT friendly (like not trying to tell you you're gay because of being abused and that you can get fixed...)

    restraining order is a brilliant idea!