I’ve been thinking a lot about my cousin’s death. She committed suicide last July. We were really close growing up but when I moved to Utah I just kind of put her (and the rest of my family and friends) in a box labeled Oregon and forgot about her. I remember the week she died I was thinking about calling her and I never did. I remember that way back when I was in high school I really wanted to talk to her about some boy drama I was having and I never did. And then when I was coming out I wanted to tell someone in my family and almost called her up but then remembered she was gone.
I don’t know why my cousin took her life. I think about her everyday and can’t wait for the chance to see her again and tell her I still love her even if I don’t understand. When my therapist asked me if I had suicidal thoughts last week I told her it didn’t matter either way, I couldn’t do that to my family. I couldn’t leave people behind questioning what went wrong. I don’t blame my cousin. Her life is her decision. But I wish she would have called me and I wish I would have called her.
I wish I wasn’t left here thinking I could have saved her if I only I would have picked up the phone.
I wish there weren’t so many things left unsaid.
Things Left Unsaid- Disciple
If I Die Young- The Band Perry