Wednesday, November 7, 2012

"Surprise! I Know!"

"There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love." -Oscar Wilde, The Picture Of Dorian Gray

So, I save my favorite quotes. Sometimes they leave such a strong imprint, I don't need to write them down. But, regardless of me memorizing them or not, they are quotes that I find powerful. But, for some reason, I wrote this one down. I can see why I might have. It sounds very true. But, especially after yesterday's revelations, I don't think this is true. At least not to a perfectly sane person.

I wrote this quote down so I obviously believed it once upon a time. So, why I am opposed to it now? Because, yesterday, I had a little blast from the past. I was talking to one of Brian's older brothers yesterday. Just a reminder, but his older brother was unable to move to America with the rest of the family and Brian has been unable to see him for over three years, since he moved to America. He hero worships this brother. Just loves him. And so it was a little bittersweet talking to "Clyde." 

Brian has been trying to communicate with me through Clyde since I vowed not to talk to him. But, this time, it seemed Clyde was just being friendly. So I responded. Luckily, I was right, Clyde was just being friendly, not trying to talk to me for Brian. As the conversation got going, though, Clyde dropped a bomb shell. "So you know, I know Brian is gay and it seems you are the person [he's been] obsessing about." (Forgive his bad grammar, English is his second language.) 

I had no idea that Clyde, who has been away for three plus years, knew about me and Brian! Upon further inquiry, I found out everyone in Brian's family (two older brothers, younger sister, dad) excluding his mother know that Brian is gay, known about me, and is okay with it. Known since he was 12 apparently. The only person (excluding his mother) who isn't okay with Brian being gay is Brian himself. 

I ended this relationship over six months ago. It had been sporadic before, but I ended all remnants in a moment of passion in April. Yet, here it is. His brothers still think we are dating. Brian still talks about me all the time. And we haven't talked for six months. 

It was easier to not talk to Brian after about three months of my decision to break all ties. I wanted it as clean as possible so we could both move on. But this news (both confirmation of Brian's dependency on me and the fact Brian's family doesn't care he is dating men) gave me a strong desire to call. But I didn't. I made a resolve, and I'll stick to it. No matter what remains of my feelings. I made a resolve and, unlike my old self, I will keep this. I will.

A more pleasant quote I once wrote down that is (slightly) relevant to my life now in regards to my half Asian:

"Have I lost my mind? Or have I, finally, found my heart?"
-Orsen Scott Card, Xenocide


  1. WHAT??? Brian is out? But he isn't okay with it yet...hmm.
    You know I have always compared your Brian to my Satan (not actual Satan the pseudonym one) and if Satan had come out and was interested in me... well I would drop whatever and be with her, half asians be damned. You definitely are in a more healthy place than myself. Good for you :)

  2. Brian is not out. His siblings and father just know. Clyde said two things: 1) He acts gay and they have been able to tell since he was 12. 2) Despite the fact Brian doesn't think anyone knows he kissed a male back in Brazil, apparently it is common knowledge. Brian is not out. His family just knows but he doesn't know they know.