“You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast? … Well, that’s what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you’re not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you. You can’t see that you’re about to fall.”
-Gillian Owens, Practical Magic
Once upon a time I was a little girl. I would sit with my mommy and we would watch Practical Magic. I would spin around in circles to see what it felt like to fall in love and I would dream of the perfect boy for me. When I was younger it was pure fantasy. I wouldn’t take one of the guys from class I had a crush on and mold him; I would create him. He would have dark hair and bright eyes. An exotic name. He’d wear converse and probably skate. Because those things mattered right?
At some point I grew up. My friends and I stopped joking about Build A Boyfriend Workshop and concentrated on the boys we were going to school with. However none of them were concentrating on me. But like I said I grew up, I wasn’t dreaming up boys, I was dreaming up scenarios for those boys. What my first kiss would feel like. What it would feel like to hold someone’s hand (I’m 20 and still don’t know what that is like). What it would be like when the room parted at prom and he was there waiting for me. What it would be like to be asked on a date (yea still hasn’t happened)? Yea I know… dorky as shit.
But then I hit college. All these people I didn’t know. You didn’t just crush on the kid you’ve been in the same class as forever. You had to work at it. Even at BYU they make it easier with all the shit they make you do together (FHE, Home Teaching, Church). And still I kept dreaming…
I have a journal that I keep my random thoughts in. Mostly it’s just lists. Like how many people I have kissed, the people I’ve considered kissing (substantially bigger than the first), my confessions, my quotes, my dream house, personal work philosophies, how I plan to raise my children… my hopes, dreams, and realities. One of my favorites though is the life titled “The Perfect [Wo]Man” that I’ve been working on for the past couple of months and through a series of crushes. And while it’s nice to dream of, it’s also a good reminder of the person I should try to become so I can be someone’s perfect woman.
So I’m going to try to write this list like it is in my journal because I would add random thoughts to previous entries and add emphasis. J
Can receive gifts as well as give
Not dumb but not too intellectual
Must like music
Doesn’t talk down to me
Remembers the little things
Smiles when you are on the same track
Doesn’t feel the need to clog up silence
Makes me want to be my best and that that is simply enough
Can handle my weirdness, sarcasm, stupid jokes, and my tendency to laugh at almost anything
Understands my spirituality
Knows I’m Pan and is happy about it
Doesn’t say “gay” or “retarded” inappropriately
Tries not to judge
I can touch them
Not who you want to spend Friday night with, it’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with.
Is my 2AM
Texts me back (or just texts me first)
Wants to help
MANS UP AND TELLS ME HOW HE FEELS
…Or just leaves me alone
Texts me asking about a post a minute after I post it because they pay attention to that junk
And that is it for now.
So I actually wrote this post earlier in the week (shocking I know) and now I have more to add to that list. I spent four hours just BSing with R tonight and I thought of more things…
Like I want a guy to know the color of my eyes.
Or that we can talk for hours and I still have things to say to them.
It was also great because she mentioned something that was really important to her and I was like well I have something like that. For her it was intellectual conversations and for me it was music. I don’t want to be with someone who judges me for dancing off beat or singing off key. I want to be able to reach flow at a concert and forget the words to songs and not have it be awkward. Oh and if I start crying because they just did a cover of my favorite song that reminds me of my dead grandmother they better not laugh, and they should probably pretend like they didn’t see me crying because I hate it when people can see that I have emotions… Now lately I’ve gone to more concerts and I remembered that the musical scene is a place I want to be. But I also remembered how awkward it can be to think about all the people there and how they can see you at what to me is such a personal moment. I don’t know. It was a slightly errant thought that has obviously eluded me.
Anyways. It is now way passed my bedtime and I bid you adieu. Till next week when I discuss why I quit my job I love and possible ramifications.
As for the song. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals.