It loomed over my head this past week. I grew more anxious and nervous thinking about it. I have long since wanted to do. I needed to do it. I knew that once I did it, that things in my life would begin to improve. But still, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe I was fearful of the change. Maybe I was afraid of being brutally honest. Finally, on Friday, it happened. I don't know why; perhaps I just grew so tired and fed up of weighing the decision in my mind. But I mustered up the courage and the balls to do what needed to be done, what would make things easier for me and those around me.
I made an appointment with a therapist.
With all this buildup to my dialing a phone number and scheduling an appointment, I began thinking about stigma. In larger society, mental health has long been a topic that people never discuss. Moreover, seeking help or treatment for one's struggles with mental health is seen negatively: psychotic, weak. For me personally, I don't really care what other people have to say about me seeing a therapist. It's not them that have to live in my body, my mind, and go about life in my shoes. It's me. But what I found astonishing was how much I fought my own self in making the appointment. I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do, if maybe I just waited things out, I would start to feel better. In hindsight, societal views on therapy may have subconsciously influenced my actions. Mostly, however, I knew that I was just getting in my own way: fearful of change, progress, and confronting my past. Something I've long done and need to learn to stop doing.
I don't know what therapy will do for me, but I hope it will open new doors and help me to resolve issues I've long fought with. I don't see it as a way of saying, "I give up. I can't fix my problems." Rather, I see it as a way of saying, "I need to develop introspection, and therapy will not only help me in doing so, but also provide perspective and insight onto influencing factors unbeknownst to me, but visible to a knowledgeable professional."