So, I'm sick. But it is just a silly cold. I wake up feeling crappy, take some DayQuil, and I'm all better. You know, slight irritations still exist, but nothing I can't handle. I'm a tough boy. I'll be okay. So long as I stay on DayQuil.
But NyQuil is a different story. Just need to preface this by saying that I've never had either of these drugs. This was the first time.
So, I'm about to go to bed so I take some NyQuil. It is suppose to make you drowsy while surpressing a cough, right? Well, apparently NyQuil doesn't do that for me. Instead, it gives me a massive headache that does not allow me to sleep. And when I do fall asleep, it is a light, hazy sleep. With VERY vivid dreams.
I dream a lot. And my dreams are generally quite vivid, but harmless and even light-hearted. Recently dreamed about being a competitive interior designer inside of a dome that you had to pay to breathe. Dupree also made delicious Halloween donuts that I submitted into a competition which she won. So, as you can see, very light-hearted dreams that usually do not pertain to real life.
Last night though, with my restlessness atop the headache from the NyQuil, did not produce such a dream. Instead, it gave me something of a nightmare that, unfortunately, really does show some of my hopes/fears from real life.
My roommate Matt, who is now on a mission to Brazil, and I were close. I considered him my best friend. He knew I was gay. He knew about my struggles in life. And he genuinely cared about my conflicts and helped me work through them. I felt close to him. When he got a girlfriend, I was actually jealous of her. He spent more time with this chick than me. But alas, the point still stands. I miss him and I am (again) getting a bit bitter towards the church for taking him away from me.
In the dream, Matt is back from his mission early. And I wasn't celebrating. I wanted him back, true, but I wanted him to serve a full mission just as he wanted too. But then I find out that he is only back for a week because of some weird rule (that only exists in the dream) that allows him to come back for that week so they can transfer him to San Fransisco because he has had experience with gay people (mainly me). So, I want to maximize my time with him. So, what do we do? We go shopping (again, something I hate in real life, but dreams change everything).
While shopping (at Radio shack) we come across a 25$ Umbreon stuffed animal. And I forgot my wallet. So, Matt offers to pay for it (that is how much he trusts me apparently. I will pay him back is the idea). This entire time, we have been talking to an old, married couple about how close Matt and I are and why Matt is back. And as soon as we mention gay people, they get this sour look on their faces and proceed to rant about gay people.
I'm horrified. Matt's horrified. So, finally, I interrupt the old lady and state, with emotion, that Matt is an excellent missionary and my best friend and has been a great help in my life. Oh, and I'm gay. And, dreams being what they are, they change into my grandparents. They try to stop me from running away just to express their anger and disappointment. They even try to convince Matt to do the same.
Guys. I can't stress how much this part of the dream meant to me. This part of the dream woke me up and I legit could not tell for five minutes what was dream and what was real. That is how realistic everything was. The first part of the dream contrasts too much with the second part. Happy to sad. Matt and acceptance to grandparents and intolerance. I don't have dreams that relate to me. I don't have dreams that wake me up thinking "is this real?"
I want Matt back. I also want him on a mission. But I can't have both.
I want to step out of this closet. I want people to accept the real me. But, again, I can't have both.
Maybe this is why the dream is so disturbing. It allowed me to have Matt back (if only for a week) and still allowed him to have a full-time mission. But it wouldn't allow me to say I'm gay and promote tolerance. Almost as though Matt coming back early while still serving his full-time mission is more realistic.
And that is why I will not take NyQuil again; massive headaches with depressingly philosophical dreams.