Friday, April 20, 2012


I’ve started so many posts for today but I couldn’t finish any of them. I can barely finish any of my thoughts lately. My reality is becoming blurred with my dreams and I fear I’m slowly losing my mind.

I’m lost.

I might find my bearings when I go home to Oregon tomorrow for the week. I haven’t been there for more than a day in a year and a half. But what if I don’t? What if I never figure out what I’m doing? I feel so stagnated. And I figure this will change once work starts up and I have a definite purpose but what about in September when work is over and school begins and I don’t know where to go?

And even beyond the realm of what I am doing next year. What about the ex-best friend who was so disgusted by my attraction to girls we are no longer friends? How do I let that go and move on? Or the girl who I can't broach the subject of me liking her or figuring out if she likes me? How do you do that?

So while generally it’s the other way around, I need advice today. What should I do?

Cough Syrup- Glee

Life is too short to even care at all, oh
I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control

If I could find a way to see this straight 
I'd run away 
To some fortune that I,
I should have found by now


  1. Hey dupree, This is your friend Kiaya from aspen grove. Well I have been keeping up on your blog posts of recently and I have to say I am impressed with your courage and honesty. Around the time I was at aspen grove I too found myself in a situation where I had to decide whether or not to stay at BYU. I was in a relationship that was quickly moving out of the realm of the honor code. Not to say that we did anything wrong but simply that the relationship did not match my understanding of the BYU honor code. I too found my self lost and confused. No amount of help from my family or friends could help me understand how I felt inside. Finally I realized that I needed to live by my own honor code. I decided BYU was not the place for me because I felt that by saying I wanted to live by their honor code I was breaking my own. So I left aspen grove, I left BYU, and then I got married. I guess the point of me telling you this story to let you know that there are people who still stand behind you, still think you are awesome and still love you no matter your decision about BYU. The real question is what decision will make you the happiest, what will make your life better, and that smile that I once loved to work with all the brighter? It's not going to be easy, it wasn't easy for me. But it was worth it in the end. I am now very happily married to the man that I love. I live my own honor code and I feel accomplished even though I switched to less prestigious school.
    Basically my bottom line is if you ever wanna hang out or talk or whatever don't hesitate to send a text or give me a call. And remember you are a hot babe! :) (i'll send you my number on facebook)

  2. Thank you, Kiaya. That means a lot! It was a lot of fun working with you too! And thanks for your number :)

  3. You want me to beat up this ex-best friend of yours?

    1. I want you to fess up what happened with the girl in your post from forever ago! Not gonna lie I've been wondering what happened with that. :P

      But no it's fine with her. We parted amicably but I wish she would have just been honest from the start and was able to accept who I was.

  4. I'm old. Well, compared to most of you, I'm old. And I still second guess my decisions and in some ways I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I wish that I had trusted myself more when I was your age - somewhere in your gut you probably know what you want to do. But then there are all these other voices and questions and "what-if's" running around and it's hard to hear your own voice. I think you'll figure it out - and if you don't, you might get sidetracked for awhile and then figure it out later. But in the end, you'll find your own way and be okay. You are smart, and strong, and you'll be okay. I wish you lots and lots of luck in figuring it all out. I'm still trying to learn how to trust my gut and block out the negative voices. It's not easy. Sending lots of compassion and hugs your way!

  5. Sorry, Dupree, it took me so long to respond. I am in love with the song you shared and when I saw it in the episode I was a hot mess for hours after. Like hours upon hours. Anyway, I just want to echo some of my previous thoughts. You are loved and cared for by so many and even though BYU really sucks sometimes, I think it has made all of us stronger in one way or another.

    I was talking to Jo the other day and mentioned that BYU was my $65,000 mistake but she said that it was exactly what she needed. She didn't necessarily like it but it was what she needed to push her in the direction she needed her life to be.

    I don't know if that's the case for you but I hope you know that we are rooting for you and whatever you decide we will all support you!

    Love ya.

  6. Dupree, I'm sorry you feel lost. I've been there a bit too. I can't really promise anything specific, but I don't believe you'll feel lost forever. I didn't. Worst case scenario: even if you were metaphorically wandering in a wood and couldn't find home, you could always make a new home. You're brave enough and you have passion and honesty and sincerity to make a good life for yourself.

    The only thing I can tell you to do is keep living. Get up each day (once you want to :-)), seek out songs and people that make you happy, find ways to give yourself thinking time that you'll enjoy (like walks, cooking, making things: whatever does the trick for you) and take things one day, one week at a time. I think you'll find yourself and your way. And there's always prayer... I know people have different results, but it's one of the things that helped me the most. I'm mentioning it in case it could help you. But, really, you've got this, Dupree. I'm sure of it.

    Whatever you feel or however slowly time might pass, we're here for you. And I think I can speak for everyone in saying that we admire you and love you.

    Have an amazing time in Oregon!!!