Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Conversion to Mormonism

The Mormon missionaries came to my door this week.
Asked if they could share a message of love with me.
They were about the same age as my little brother. Both wearing black suits with dark ties and white shirts.
Very clean looking.
Except for the guy with the giant furry catapillar accross his forhead...worse than Frida Kahlo...
I said sure.
They came in (Addie was at work).
We all sat down and they asked if I'd ever spoken with missionaries before.
I said only Methodist ones (is that right? maybe they were something else)...and Jehovah's witnesses.
They assured me that the Mormons are differnent and they continued to explain that I (me--Miryah Bird) am a child of God.
And a few hours later they had me committed to a baptism for next week. You're all invited to come watch me get dunked under the water while I wear a holy white jumpsuit.

Missionary #1: "Isn't that a lovely notion?"
Missionary #2 (Unibrow guy): [picks at fingernails]
Me: "Well, maybe, but what does it mean?"
Missionary #1: "It means that you have a father in heaven who loves you."
Missionary #2: [looks out window]
Me: "okay...So, that's cool..."
Missionary #1: "Yeah. And one day, you could live with him again and enjoy the full glory of heaven"
Missionary #2: [picks at fingernails]
Me: "That sounds cool too...what's that mean, though?"
Missionary #1: "It means that you can feel the ultimate amount of joy and happiness. And all because of the Savior's atoning sacrifice"
Me:"Yeah, I've heard about that Jesus guy... he loved everybody, right?"
Missionary #1: "Not only does he love everyone, he atoned for the sins of every individual past present and future so that one day they can live with heavenly father again."
Missionary #2:  [scratches his crotch]
Me: [completely disgusted by M#2] You mean like EVERYone?
Missionary #1: Every. one.
Me: "So like even homeless guys and murderers and self righteous bitches?
Missionary #1: [looking slightly frightened and confused with a glance toward the door] "uh...yep. Even those."
Missionary #2: [smiles]
Me: "So, even gays?"
Missionary #1: [more confidently now] "Even the gays."
Me: "hmmm. That's nice."

Awkward pause.

Missionary #1: "I actually have a lot of gay friends in the Church..."
Missionary #2: [tries not to laugh. suceeds...barely]
Me: "Oh, cool. Are you gay?"
Missionary #2: [laughs. does not try to suppress this time]
Missionary #1: "I'm not gay." [jabs #2 in the ribs with elbow]
Me: "But god and Jesus love the gays and they're allowed in your church?"
Missionary #2: [rubs at his ribs]
Missionary #1: "Yeah, absolutely."
Me: "Okay. Where do I sign up? You know, my girlfriend was in your church once and she was so devestated when they kicked her out for living with me...She's gonna be so happy to find out that we can both be in her old church again--and that God and Jesus have changed their minds about loving us gays. Do you guys want to stay and wait til my girlfirend gets home? We could have a couple beers and play Monopoly or something."
Missionary #2: [nods his head, eyes wide, obviously very excited about the beer (or maybe the monopoly?)]
Missionary #1: "We better get going...We've got an appointment with...[jabs M#2 again] [whispers] who was it again?
Missionary #2: "We don't have any appointments until tomorrow...let's stay."
Missionary #1: "No, I'm pretty sure it was today. We have to go."
Me: "Okay, well, maybe beer and games another time. Come back when my girlfriend is home and we'll sign up for your church thing."

They haven't come back yet. So, maybe I won't really be dunked under the holy water and become a child of god?

Happy April First, Fools!

RyBread Wisdom: If you want to get rid of Mormon missionaries, tell them you're gay. If that doesn't work, offer them beer (and monopoly).


  1. Really sad I missed this one. :)

    1. Well, I told them to come back. Maybe they really just have lots of meetings?? :)

    2. More than likely, their "meetings" were simply an excuse to get out of monopoly...kind of like how I always seem to need to wash my hair when our neighbor comes around. You know the one.

  2. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. :)

    1. It was pretty funny. I've never talked to real mormon missionaries. I've only heard about them from Addie. But, she was pretty dead on in her descriptions--these guys were hilarious. Mostly the one who didn't really say anything (and had a giant unibrow).

    2. My cousin is marrying a guy with a giant unibrow. I'm thinking about giving him a gift certificate for eyebrow waxing for their wedding gift...or would that be rude?

      I went on a mission, and some of the elders were awesome, amazing, fun people. Some were self-righteous and a bit hypocritical. I'm sure you gave them a story to write home about :). Maybe that letter will find a spot in the ward newsletter...wouldn't that be fun?

  3. Did this really happen or just a figment of your awesome imagination?

    1. This really happened. But that picture I got off the internets. It is not of the missionaries who visited. Although they had similar expressions at some point during our little chat.

      I was gonna twist it all up and make it sound like I really was gonna join the Mormon church, but I just couldn't do it. So, maybe it's a joke to the missionaries more than anything?

      No offense to any of you real Mormons. I mean, I admire what you're doing, but that religion (along with every other religion) is just not for me.

    2. Ry, even as a missionary I had a hard time trying to get people to convert because I don't think there's one religion that fits every single person on this earth. And it seemed wrong to teach people a few tidbits of information and then expect them to commit their entire life to something. If it's really true, more learning will only help, right? What's the rush? I wasn't a very persuasive missionary but I did meet some amazing people who I loved and still miss. I would have paid to be in the room while you tormented them - so funny!

    3. Tiffany, I agree. I was going to serve a mission...but the cloeser hte time came the more I wondered if I could really do it. Maybe it's just hte expectation people have of converts--to give up their families and their entire lives to be in the church. I couldn't ask anyone to do that. I agree though, that there is no one church that is truly for everybody. I think once the religious folk as a whole come to understand this, maybe we'll actually be able to love each other better...maybe?

      Anyway, this was too funny. :)

  4. I have a few stories about being a missionary and having gay "investigators" invite us over. Looking back, I could have had a lot more fun... ha ha ha