I would have given up my eternity if it meant I could have just one lifetime with you.
I wish I could somehow make people understand how I feel right now. But that’s selfish. I don’t want people to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this. But anyway it makes writing a bitch. How can I write when I can’t even think? Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I need to write to get out what is inside of me, clogging up my soul, somehow making me heavy and empty at the same time.
How does one explain that feeling? Being weighed down and empty at the same time? How does my mind fucking do that? I guess I should give it props for being able to play tricks like that. My mind is spinning.
So you might be wondering what the quote has anything to do with anything. I thought of it when I was younger. I thought I was pretty profound back then. I was dealing with joining the Church and being in love with a girl. I guess we know which one I would have chosen. But that’s not an option, I guess it never was. But I still love her, and I guess I always will. And that has my mind spinning.
I hooked up with a boy. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. I wanted to curl up on my bed and be alone. All day long that’s all I’ve wanted. I wonder when I’m going to start to want company again. But not right now. Right now I just need to figure out what the fuck I thought I was doing and what this means to my sexuality. I think I might just be straight up lesbian. And that has my mind spinning.
I miss a lot of people. Want to call them up, even when I know it’s impossible. I want to go home even though I don’t have one. I want to run away but I don’t have anywhere to go. And that has my mind spinning.
I need a pause. I just need a minute to get my head straight. I need to realize that people are dying and starving and my mediocre problems are nothing. I need to love myself more, even if that seems impossible right now. I need to be alone. But I also need a hug. Someone to hold my hand and tell me I’m not a fuck up. I need to need to not be alone. I need to figure out a lot of shit and then maybe my head will stop spinning.
Blown Away- Carrie Underwood
"Some people called it taking shelter
She called it sweet revenge
Shatter every window till it’s all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door flown away
Till there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left to yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,