I'm feeling a little blegh-ish today. Maybe it's because I just got back from an amazing vacation and haven't yet adjusted to being in the "real" world. Maybe it's that morale is really low at work and it's hard to be there. Perhaps it's because I'm feeling lonely today, which doesn't really happen that often, and my girl is off at a conference in another city. This apartment feels really big without her.
Or maybe it's because I'm discouraged. A lot of things have come up this week that have made me realize how heartbreaking it can be to be gay or different from the established "norms." Some of them are as follows:
- A very dear friend came out to his family as gay and wasn't accepted. At all.
- Another good friend wasn't invited on her girlfriend's family vacation. Even though they've been dating for a long, long while, the girlfriend's family likes to pretend my friend doesn't exist.
- I'm reading a book in which the main character is a gay middle schooler who gets made fun of and teased mercilessly for being a "faggot."
- Still another friend is deathly afraid of telling his best friends that he's not going on a Mormon mission. He is worried they will not want him around because he is going against what is "expected" of him in that community.
I know I go on and on about living your own truth and following your heart and being honest about/with yourself and blah, blah, blah....but it's hard shit sometimes. Disappointing the ones we love is never easy. I think there is always a part of us that wants to please them, that want's to be mommy's little girl or daddy's champ. In some ways it would be so much easier to pretend, to live the life we are "expected" to live and to retain the good opinion of our loved ones. That's not to say that living authentically ultimately means disappointing everyone, but it might for some.
Sometimes I just don't understand. How can we be so selfish? Why is it so hard to just LOVE people, to let them be who they are, to allow growth and change and movement in the lives of our family and friends? Why do we get so stuck on ideas and beliefs that we can't just open our hearts? Why do we let our minds take over and push our hearts into the back seat? WHY???
These thoughts have really made me evaluate the way that I love. Do I offer love to everyone in spite of any differences we may have? Do I let my head get in the way of my heart? Are there any prejudices I have because of ideas I've picked up along the way that I need to look at?
Everyone knows that quote about being the change you want to see in the world. Well, world, this is where I'm starting. We can all use a bit more love. Is it really so hard??